I stop when I reach the water. Cold waves lick at my feet. The sun hangs low over the horizon, blinding my eyes. And a scream rips out of me.
I walk forward. The water climbs my ankles, my calves, my knees.
I want to find him.
Hands grab me from behind.
Catherine yanks me back. I slam into her chest as she pulls me against her, her arms wrapped tight around my shoulders.
“It’s okay,” she says, breathless. “It’s okay.”
“No.” I shove at her, reaching for the water again. “I will find him.”
“No, Carmen.” She drags me back, and I scream into her, my fists pounding against her chest.
“Why?” I shout. “Why?”
She has no answer.
No one does.
She pulls me down into the sand and sits, easing me back until my head rests in her lap. The ocean stretches out in front of us, its waves still reaching us. And it’s cold, so cold.
“Remember,” I whisper, my voice breaking, “you said people want another ending.”
I choke on the words. “I want one. I need him back.”
She strokes my hair, her tears dropping onto my face.
“I don’t know if I can miss him more,” I cry out.
She says nothing.
I stare at the water like it might give him back if I look hard enough. Like the ocean will open and spit him onto the sand. But the waves keep coming.
I close my eyes, and his face rises in the dark. His eyes find mine. His lips part, but no words come, and I hear the silence he hides behind. I know now that not all of it is his fault. He didn’t leave to save himself. He did it to save me. But I would have fought the war with him if it meant keeping him close. I was ready to fight for him. But he didn’t even stay long enough to tell me I am losing.
I choke on my own words as I push him away. If I could take them back, I would say so many different ones. Even if I know it wouldn’t lead us to where we are now, maybe he would still be here.
My heart hurts. I prepare myself to lose him. I knew that one day he might leave, because that’s what people do. But I couldn’t prepare myself for all the pain. It hurts so much.
Tears come, but they don’t fall for what we lost. They fall for everything we never get to become.
And I can’t say goodbye, because I can’t lose what I never got to have.
And I can’t say what tomorrow will bring, because I don’t see tomorrow without him in it.
FOURTEEN
CHAOS
My eyes are open, fixed on the ceiling mirror. It reflects the entire room beneath it, everything that moves and sits still.
I am lying on a leather tattoo table, staring at the back of the artist who is part ofthe Fallen Saintsmotorcycle club. The logo is stamped across his leather jacket, a white spray-painted circle with horns and two Xs for eyes.
His hands work at my neck, shaping wings into my skin. Today I earned my wings. I am part of the gang. The machine buzzes in my ears, and all I feel is the needle pressing in, dragging heat and sting across my flesh.
I close my eyes, and 2016 rises up behind my eyelids, a night when all of it started.
