We haven’t spoken a word since we left. There is just this silence between us. I told myself maybe he feels sorry for blaming Carmen for every little thing that happened this week. But when I look at him, I see his worries are bigger than her. She is just a punching bag for him to vent.
He used to do the same with me when I was younger. He never raised a hand at me, not once. The damage came from his words. I was never good enough. I always had to be a star. His golden boy. The proof he could tell everyone that he raised a good son out of the problem he got.
So many times, I tell myself we all carry some kind of trauma within us, and somehow that reflects on what we do. But he chose to be the worst version of himself at home. Outside, we are a happy little family, living a happy little life. Inside our four walls, we are anything but happy.
I tilt my head and look at him. His hand rests on his jaw, his Rolex hanging loose on his wrist as he scans the road. We turn onto the shorter trail toward the cabin in Julian that he owns. He looks worried, but he is so closed off that we have never even hadan open conversation. We talk. Words come out. But we always leave things unsaid.
You good?I sign.
He turns his head toward me and nods.
Why so much hate toward Carmen?I sign.
“She reminds me of myself when I was younger,” he says. “I want to help her, but she is so damn stubborn, and I can’t stand it.”
Don’t you think she needs more care?I sign.
“She needs discipline,” he says, not locking his eyes with mine before bringing them back to the road. “And she has none.”
It’s always easier to control a person who doesn’t know how to talk back. Carmen is the complete opposite. She is loud and messy. She can’t bite her tongue, so she uses it as a shield. I know I manipulated the situation of him choosing her to adopt, but he made that decision. I didn’t force him.
I turn back to the window, watching the road pass by, trying to think of anything else. But somehow, all I can think about is her. She got under my skin, and being close to her feels like a drug I can’t escape. I need her like a fucking addict.
“Be honest with me, Judas,” he says with a sigh. “Did anything happen between you two? You know I can’t have you two…” He clears his throat.
I tilt my head toward him so fast I could snap my neck.
No.I sign.
“Sure?” he asks, his brows pulled together.
I nod, surprised by how easy the lie comes.
“I know teenagers and hormones, and I can’t have you two…” he starts again.
Dad,I sign.Stop.
If he knew the thoughts I have about her, what I want to do to her, he would lock me up.
“Fine,” he says. “I trust you.”
I wouldn’t. I thought to myself.
I can’t trust myself.
As we approach the cabin, the lights are on.
We slow down as we approach, and I notice he’s surprised, his brows lifting.
“What the hell?”
Is anyone in?I sign.
“No,” he says. “No one has a key.”
He turns off the engine and opens his door. I remain in the car, following his every move as he approaches the cabin.
He reaches out for the handle, and the door opens.
