I lift my hands and sign.I kissed Carmen.
His smile drops. “You did what?” He stands, then drops beside me on the couch, knees angled toward mine. “Man, why?”
I lift one shoulder.
“Is this why you’re drunk?” He chuckles, then lets out a low whistle.
I shove at his arm.Stop.My hands shake as I sign.I fucked up.
“What about Ella?” He asks it out loud, then signs it.She will chop your balls.
Ella and I are just special friends,I sign.
“Special,” he repeats, unimpressed. He nudges my shoulder harder this time. “You know I won’t judge you. I’ve done way more fucked up shit than kissing my newly adopted sister. But I’ve been to juvie. I’ve seen girls like Carmen. She’s vulnerable and already broken in places. Don’t push her away before you even get a chance to get her.”
I stare at my hands.
She made it very clear she doesn’t want to do anything with me.I sign it slowly, like that might make it true.
“Right,” he laughs. “No one who doesn’t give a shit defends you like that at a party.”
I snort, shaking my head as I look at him.
“Alright,1cabrón,” he says, hauling me to my feet. “Time to get you home.”
Nico drops me off in front of the house. My bike is parked at his place. He didn’t let me drive drunk, even though I wanted to speed through the shame that was crawling under my skin.
I struggle to walk. Everything spins. The garden moves in slow circles, and my stomach lifts like I am stuck on a rollercoaster that won’t stop. I see the balconies in front of me. Spinning. Moving. I can’t show up drunk in front of Dad. I can’t listen to another lecture tonight.
I am an adult. I got this,I tell myself.
I grab the railing and pull myself up, my grip slipping before my fingers finally lock. Pain flares as my hands take my weight. I scrape my knee on the edge. When I manage to swing myself onto the balcony, I sit there for a second, breathing hard, the house still spinning. Then I stumble forward and ease the door open.
It’s dark. Too dark to see anything. I move by memory, straight toward the bed. I don’t even bother taking off my clothes or turning on the lights. I just collapse onto the mattress.
When I shift my hand, I feel something soft on my left side.
Pillow,I think.
I press my face into it and grab it tighter. Just as my eyes slide shut, something hard slams into my face.
A short scream follows, and the lights turn on.
I jerk upright, my head swimming. I blink once. Twice. Then a sharp slap lands on my cheek, cutting through the fog.
“What the fuck, Judas?” Carmen says.
I look around and realize this isnotmy room.
My legs refuse to work. I can’t move.
“Are you fucking drunk?” she asks, getting up.
She takes my hand, pulls me up, presses me against her shoulder, and somehow manages to make me stand. She curses in Spanish under her breath. My head tilts to the side, losing balance, pressed into her tank top that feels warm, with the sharp scent of soap. I am too dizzy to look up.
She drags me to the bathroom and shoves me into the bathtub. I go down hard, my ass hitting the cold bottom of the tub. My hands fall uselessly at my sides, my legs half in the air. My eyes barely stay open, just enough to see her grab the shower head and turn on the water.
The cold hits me like a slap.
