She tilts her head, causing her towel to sag slightly to the side. The same brown eyes as mine stare back at me as if trying to pluck the information out of my head. “So you’re saying we’re going to live in this place? We’re not returning to our new house?”
Hm, that’s not quite what I mean. I bite my lip. “Not necessarily—” I pause. “More like, maybe Kyler will stay in our lives, and the motorcycles.” I unwrap the towel and rub her hair dry.
A frown forms on her pretty forehead. “And Brooks?”
“Brooks?” I glance at her questioningly.
“Is that one staying too? I like Brooks. And can I play with Brandon then? Can I play with other children after school, or do I have to stay inside the compound?” She turns to me and I let her hair down.
So many questions… I totally get it, but it’s also incredibly difficult to answer.
“Of course you can play with other kids, honey. As soon as everything is resolved.” I force a smile on my face and do my best to make it sound lighthearted.
Suddenly she stiffens, and the smile on her face gives way to a glum look. “Is Kyler going to be my new dad then? Because thenI don’t want to stay here.” She shakes her head vigorously. “I do like Kyler, Mom, but…”
And then she bursts into tears.
I immediately pull her into my arms. “Hey, honey. Of course you don’t. Kyler will not be your new dad. You only have one dad.”
“But, where is he? He left…” She presses her nose into my neck.
My heart breaks into ten thousand pieces. “Oh, honey, Dad didn’t leave.” My throat thickens, and a tear slides down my face. “Bad men took Dad away, but Dad’s here.”
Gently pushing her back slightly, I tap her chest over her heart. “Dad’s always in here, sweetheart.” I actually hear the crack in my voice.
“But I don’t feel him, Mom. I don’t hear him anymore. I don’t know what Dad’s voice sounds like.” Her own voice breaks.
I pull her closer to me. “Shit, girl.” Immediately, I clench my jaws together. I don’t want to curse in front of her, but damn it. My daughter says she’s forgotten what her father’s voice sounded like. “I have videos on my phone of you and Dad. Shall we watch them later?”
She nods with her head pressed against my shoulder. “Can we do it now?”
I hook my arms under her buttocks and lift her up. With her in my arms, I walk to the couch. “Get your blanket, and in the meantime I’ll make us tea.”
With a deep breath, I walk to the kitchen. Once I’ve turned on the kettle, I take another deep breath. I pour two cups full of hot water and put a tea bag in each.
With two cups in hand, I return to the couch and pass her one. Then I sit down next to her and take my phone out of my pocket. I’m scrolling through the videos and photos up to a few months ago, finding a video of when Connor and Rebel were readingtogether. After clicking it, I hand my phone to my daughter. Rebel slumps down against her pillow, with the cup in one hand and the phone against her knees, which she has pulled up under the comforter. Silently, she watches it.
If I’d known he wouldn’t be around for long, I would’ve filmed the whole thing for her. Then I would’ve filmed all the conversations between them, all the stupid moments that seemed so ordinary and even meaningless at the time. Moments that would never come back.
She presses the play button three times and then stops. Slowly, she looks up at me and says, “He’s not coming back, is he, Mom?”
Biting my lip, I shake my head. “No, honey. Dad’s gone. But you should know he didn’t want to leave, Rebel.”
Her gaze becomes determined and then she nods. “Kyler is being nice to us.”
I pull her against me and press a kiss to her head. “Okay, I’ll think about it. Shall I call Teagan and ask her to come over with Gaby soon?” She nods cautiously. “Okay. I’ll arrange it. Now get some sleep, because it’s a school night.” I tuck her in and press a kiss to her forehead.
After turning off all the lights except for the light from the kitchen hood, I head to the bedroom. I close the door behind me and walk into the bathroom. After I undress, I check the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes reveal that I’ve been sleeping like shit for some time, and it’s also abundantly clear that I’ve lost weight. I don’t even have to step on the scale for it.
“Fuck this.” I grip the edge of the sink and hang my head. A few minutes later, I spin around and turn on the faucet.
Stepping beneath the warm water, I close my eyes and lean my head back. I’m submerged, the water pressing down, and I instinctively open my mouth to breathe. For a moment, this allows me to focus solely on the shower rather than the messmy life has gotten. These unanswered questions consume my mind, leaving me with a sense of dread that I won’t find answers for them. And those are just the questions that got me here. I manage to push them away, my thoughts drifting to Kyler. A warm feeling floods through me at the thought of him, but there are so many other feelings.
You’re moving too fast. Your feelings for him never faded. You wanted to leave the club. You have no good reason you left. Think of Rebel. Rebel doesn’t think it’s a problem. Rebel is only seven; she’s too young to decide. She’s as safe here as anywhere else. You love him.
You love him.
You love him.
