“No idea. We were chatting, and the conversation meandered.”
“It doesn’t explain why another MC was interested in Connor, or why they would be interested in me now.” I bite my lip. What had Connor gotten himself into anyway? None of this sounded like him at all and I don’t understand.
“True. Do you know if he somehow was connected to the underworld?”
“Who? Connor? No. God, Teagan, Connor was as ordinary, nice, and boring as they come. I didn’t want to continue living the MC life. I saw so much with my father and Connor made me feel like I could escape that. He offered me safety and loved me.” An enormous sigh leaves my chest and my gaze shifts to the tabletop. Absent-mindedly, I trace the grain with my index finger.
“And what? Is that the only reason you broke everything off with Kyler?” Teagan tilts her head. My cheeks burn and I dodge her gaze by looking behind her at an older couple. “Layne, is that it? I always thought you didn’t love him anymore, that Connor made you happy.” She shrugs. “That he’d somehow stolen your heart.”
I press my lips together and continue drawing circles on the tabletop. “I loved Connor,” I mutter softly. And I really did—do, even if it’s different from how I once felt about Kyler. Connor was my safe haven and I’ve been wondering from the start if Connor was right, just before he died. When he exclaimed they had the wrong guy.
“Oh, thank god, because he wasn’t that much of a jerk that he deserved to be married to someone who didn’t actually like him,” she blurts in a sarcastic tone.
“No, I did.” I let out a deep sigh. “Kyler and I are… God, how do I explain this.” My eyes go to the ceiling before I dare look at her.
“You guys are like fucking fireworks. You think I was blind all these years? I never understood why you dumped him, but then again, I didn’t know what else was going on between you, either. I always assumed something happened between the two of you, but now…”
“Kyler knows the reason I chose Connor, if that makes it any better,” I whisper.
Her eyes grew wide. “What, you told Kyler you were moving on with Connor because he was in the MC?”
I shrug. “Sort of. I told him I didn’t want that kind of life. That I was looking for something more stable, where I didn’t have to worry about my husband getting shot every day. That I loved Connor, too, and he could give me that. Isn’t it ironic?” Look where that got me. My eyes burn and I look away quickly.
“Shit, Layne.” She puts her hand over mine and squeezes it gently.
Why did I tell her this? It’s something between Kyler and me. And actually Connor, because he knew the reason too. I had told him I loved him, but I also loved Kyler. And now Teagan knows, too.
“You know,” I start. “It’s for the best if I let it go. I know nothing about Connor’s death and I probably won’t see Kyler now that he knows I don’t know shit. I need to focus on Rebel and on the future. Let the police do their job. Hopefully, I’ll finally get justice for Connor one day.” An ugly sound similar to a sob comes out of my mouth. No idea where that suddenly came from. As the daughter of the former vice president of the Renegades, I’ve always been told you can’t rely on the police.
Teagan snorts and shakes her head.
“What?” I look up at her, wrapping my hands around my empty coffee mug.
“You really believe you won’t hear from Kyler again?” Her eyebrows rise.
“Why should I hear from him again? We’ve got nothing in common anymore.”
“Because I don’t think the whole thing surrounding Connor’s death is over. How could it be? And besides… you know Kyler.” She brings her cup to her lips and she takes the last sip, tilting her head back. “Plus, I just explained to you I don’t think he’s ever gotten over you, and now that you’re telling me this, I think he thinks he’ll get his chance.” She puts the cup down hard.
I chew on my lip. “First, Connor’s barely dead for two months. I was fucking married to him, I loved him, Tea. I didn’t just choose the first person I met to get over Kyler. And if,ifI finally give this a chance and open myself up to him—which would be really ridiculous, because I’m not the only one I need to think about anymore, Teagan.” I exhale deeply. My worst nightmare for Rebel has come true: she has to grow up without a father.
Teagan looks at me expectantly and so I continue. “Let’s say I somehow start a relationship with Kyler and she gets attached to him, that he becomes a stepfather of sorts, which, by the way, I can’t imagine at all.” I gasp. “Then what if what I was afraid of years ago actually happens?” I drop against the back of the chair. “Then, she suffers another loss, losing someone she loves when they are still relatively young.”
“That’s what you’re afraid of? That she’ll’ have to lose a parent like you did? Two?” she frowns.
“I guess so,” I sigh.
“Laynie, you can’t protect her from everything. Besides, neither of your parents died because of the MC life. So do you want her to never have a father figure again, or never see how happy her mother can be?” My best friend puts her elbows on the table and leans toward me. “Is that what you want?”
No, that’s not what I want, but at the same time, I don’t know what I do want, either. They haven’t even found Connor; his death is a mystery, and he deserves better. I loved him and I don’t want… I can’t just start a new relationship. Not to mention what it would mean for Rebel. I put my chin in my hand and look at my best friend.
“I don’t know what I want.”
Six
Thedetective’swordskeepreplaying in my mind. What was Connor doing with Koslov? As far as I know, the Bratva doesn’t have any connections with the Knights. I sigh and push the power button of my coffee machine. My mind just can’t make the connection and it makes me furious. After I put a cup into the machine and my mug under it, I push the button again, which lets the hot, black gold trickle into my mug. The scent spreads through my condo, relaxing my muscles.
I startle when someone thumps on my door. With narrowed eyes I call out: “It’s open.” Within a second, the door bursts open and Pax storms inside.
