“What way exactly did you want it to go?”
I flinch slightly. I don’t remember us ever fighting. We’d have our little spats when one of us was too tired or moody as a child, but we never really fought.
“I … we … Cody and I …” I squeeze my eyes shut and open them, taking a deep breath and blowing it out. “We kissed one day in the hog barn. It was unexpected, but not impulsive. I’ve liked him for a long time.”
“You had a crush on my brother and you never bothered to tell me?”
Her words sting, bringing fresh awareness. I haven’t just been hiding from her for the past two months. I’ve been hiding my feelings for Cody a whole lot longer.
“You always said you didn’t want any of your brothers to even flirt with me.” I pause. “That’s not an excuse. It’s just … I knew you’d have an issue with it. And Jace. I knew he would lose it. Like he did. Besides, I never knew how Cody felt about me. Not until that day we kissed.”
“So?”
“So we started seeing one another secretly. It wasn’t some maniacal plan. We just kept wanting to see more of each other. We needed time to figure out whether what we felt was deep enough to make it worth the possible fallout. And it was farrowing season. And then you announced the wedding. Once we knew we were serious, we decided it would be best to tell everyone after.”
“So you kept seeing my brother and hid it from me … for months?”
“Almost two months.”
She shakes her head and drops it into her hands, her elbows on her knees. “I’m trying to digest all of this.”
I sit quietly.
McKenna looks up at me. “It’s not about Cody, Carli. I always wanted you as a sister.”
I nod, careful to give her space to say whatever she needs to say.
“You betrayed me. You kept a secret from me. All the times I wondered why we weren’t spending enough time together since I got back this time. All the nights I asked if we could hang out? You were with him?”
“Not every one. But some, yeah.”
She’s quiet again.
“I feel like our friendship is a lie.”
Nothing has ever felt like a knife to my gut before. I feel the blade in her words.
She stares at the ground. A chasm spreads between us—new and vast.
McKenna swipes her thumb across her cheek. “I don’t know how to un-feel that yet.”
“Your friendship is everything to me, McKenna. Everything. Hiding Cody from you was a mistake. And I regret it. You finding out the night before your wedding …” My breath stalls. “I’d do anything to reverse or erase you finding out today. I betrayed you. I kept a secret that I should have shared. But you are my best friend. Our friendship isn’t a lie. I lied to you. I hated doing it. But I told myself it was for your good. It obviously wasn’t.”
McKenna tucks her lips in, chewing the bottom one.
“I love you, Mac,” I repeat. “And someday, I hope you forgive me for how I went about all of this.”
“You and Cody. Are you serious? Or is this just something you two are getting out of your systems?”
“We’re serious. Like, naming our kids serious.”
A small smile dawns on her face. “So, we’ll really be sisters one day.”
I sob. I can’t help it. “Yes.”
She starts crying too and then she stands and sits next to me and we hold one another, crying into each other’s embrace.
“I love you, McKenna,” I say, pulling back. “And I’m so sorry.”
