Finally, she stepped aside and let me in. Walking over to the couch, she plopped down and gestured for me to do the same.
“You wanted to talk. So talk.”
It wasn’t that easy. I knew I needed to do this, but I didn’t know how to start. Pacing, I decided to start at the beginning.
“You know I was raised in foster care. And you probably know that some of those homes weren’t exactly the best.”
“Yes, Alyssa told me.”
I already knew that, but the rest…none of this was easy. “I didn’t exactly have the best grades in school. I didn’t try very hard because I was more focused on—” I sucked in a breath, going all in. “On staying alive. And when I aged out, I tookrandom jobs. Anything to pay the bills. I slept on the streets a lot, and that’s where I met Archer. I think you know he’s not just your average townie.”
“Somehow I guessed that,” she mused.
“Josie, I didn’t exactly have an easy life. I did what I had to in order to survive. And then I didn’t want to change who I was. I was happy living the way I did. But that life is not conducive to what we have.”
She pursed her lips, cocking her head at me. “And what is it you think we have?”
It was the biggest fuck off I’d ever heard in my life. She didn’t even have to be nasty about it. Just those simple words and the look she was shooting me said it all.
I had grossly underestimated how bad this was.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I like you?—”
A laugh with a hint of derision slipped from those beautiful lips.
“I’m serious.”
“Well, I’m glad you like me, JR.”
God, all this was coming out wrong. I shoved my fingers through my hair, pacing her living room once again. “I more than like you, okay? But with the way I live?—”
“Oh, please,” she scoffed. “Spare me the bullshit.I’m not good enough for you. My life won’t fit with yours.It’s all bullshit, JR. Tell me one honest reason you’re not good enough for me.”
I almost said the words.I’ve killed people.But as I stared at her, the idea that she would see me like that was too much. I didn’t want her to think of me as this horrible person who did bad things.
Maybe that was selfish of me, but wouldn’t it be better if she just thought of me as a coward?
“That’s what I thought,” she huffed. “So, what you really came to do was give me more excuses. Well, I’m not interested, JR. I knew from the start the kind of man you are. It was no surprise that you couldn’t commit even the slightest. You know, Alyssa came to me and actually wanted me to try to have something real with you. And do you know what I told her?”
I shook my head slowly.
“I told her that I wasn’t interested in trying to fix a man.”
Ouch. “I didn’t ask for that.”
“No, you didn’t. Which is why I told her it could never be anything more than sex. See, you might see me as something you have to have in the moment, but there will always be something holding you back. Whatever reason you felt you had to come over here and explain? It’s all pointless. You will never change, and I will never see you as anything more than a good fuck.”
Okay, that was slightly harsh, but there was probably some truth to that.
“So, all of this really isn’t necessary. What we had ran its course. I don’t need explanations, and I don’t need you to come over here to let me down gently. We both knew this would never be more than it was, so let’s just leave it there. Alright?”
There was really nothing more to say, no matter how much something inside of me was urging me to say something to change her mind. But I couldn’t because I liked her too damn much to hitch myself to a woman who would inevitably end up regretting ever having anything to do with me.
I would move on and continue to live as I did, and she would find some other man who would treat her right and be able to tell her about the shit in his past without mentioning that he killed people for a living.
But even as I thought that, something sharp twinged in my chest, telling me it wasn’t going to be that easy to move on. I had never in my life met someone like Josie, who so easily gave herfriendship and kept pushing through all the crap to get to know the person underneath.
Except that she didn’t know me. She understood the person I was today, but not everything that would make her turn away from me and run.
