I wanted to push, but I didn’t. I knew I was the cause of her tone, of that flat look in her eyes, the gulf between us. I didn’t deserve her smile, dammit, but I also didn’t deserve the sandwich I just devoured. “Like I said, I appreciate it but don’t feel compelled.” I stood and went to the fridge, bringing two beers back to the table.
We sat at the table in silence, staring at each other, daring the other to break first.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “I shouldn’t have left it the way I did earlier, but I couldn’t look at you, couldn’t see the pain in your eyes without seeing Zoya’s pain too. I’m an asshole, a fucking asshole.”
Her eyes flashed wide and then her eyes darted away. She no longer looked angry or hurt, just kind of sad. “I get it,” she finally said barely above a whisper. “It’s the same look, the same expression that my parents and my brothers wore for years.”
“That’s not it. Just hearing what you went through made me wonder what kind of shit my daughter saw. I should have been there for her, I should have taken her out of that situation sooner,” I muttered.
“You never told me about her mom. You were going to, maybe now would be a good time,” Eliana said as she glanced at me.
Well, fuck. I picked at the label on my beer bottle and let out a final sigh. “Trish and I were never serious,” I began.
She froze for just a second and then nodded, leaning back in her chair to give me her full attention. “Okay.”
“It wasn’t even really a relationship,” I explained. “We had fun, I guess for a few months. She didn’t ask for much and I didn’t give much. That’s about the size of it.” We partied together and fucked if we were the last two standing. “She disappeared and I didn’t think about her.”
She frowned. “You didn’t worry that something happened to her?”
“No,” I answered, taking a slow pull of my beer. “It happens a lot. Girls come to Vegas to make it big and when that doesn’t work, they end up doing other things to get by, including partying with bikers before they get bored and go back to whatever Midwestern town they called home.”
Eliana watched me but there was no judgment in her eyes. “So she was gone?”
I nodded, thinking about her. “She showed up about a year later trying to sell us out. She’d gotten into trouble up in Reno and came back here wearing a wire, asking all kinds of fucking questions.” My hands balled into fists as that old anger returned. “She was clumsy and there was nothing to tell anyway, but she caught one of our brothers talking about something else that got him put in jail where he was stomped to death by rivals.”
Eliana gasped. “I’m so sorry, Sledge.”
“Yeah, thanks. It had me all fucked up and I kicked her to the curb, told her if I ever saw her at the clubhouse, or in Steel City, I would make her regret it. I meant it too.”
“Understandable. You didn’t know about Zoya?”
“No. But Trish hadn’t gone home, or maybe she did. All I know is that she never told me she was pregnant or that she’d had my fucking baby. I never heard from her again at all. Itwas a social worker who showed up on my doorstep four years ago, asking all kinds of questions about Trish. Turns out…” I exhaled, shaking my head. “Trish was picked up on possession with intent to distribute charges. Meth. It wasn’t her first offense and because she crossed state lines, the feds got involved.” It was a lot to process so I shut the fuck up for a minute.
The shock was evident in Eliana’s eyes. She slowly nodded, studying me carefully. “That must’ve been quite the shock.”
“That’s one way of putting it. I was pissed she hadn’t told me.” My hands balled into fists and then relaxed. “I showed up and met with the social worker who gave me a crash course in fatherhood, but she was fucking useless when it came to getting Zoya to talk.”
“So you never saw or spoke to Trish again?” Her voice was so soft, that was probably the only reason I hadn’t bitten her fucking head off.
“Oh, I fucking saw her. I went up to the jail to see her. She was skinny as fuck and all strung out, twitching and unrecognizable. It was clear she wasn’t just selling that shit. She never once asked about Zoya.” I wanted to strangle that bitch. I let out a sigh. “When you told me about your brother it made me wonder if there was an incident that caused her to lose her speech. But the social worker said it was probably just neglect. There were no signs that Zoya had been physically hurt but she was ignored. They don’t even fucking know how long it’s been since she last said a word.”
Eliana’s face tightened with emotion, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears under the low light. “I can see if I can find that out for you,” she offered. “At least froma developmental standpoint it’s clear there’s nothing wrong. You’ve had her since she was three, right? Maybe she attended a daycare center or pre-school. I can see if anything was ever recorded in her records?”
I raised my eyebrows at that. “Damn. That never even crossed my mind. I just figured the social workers had done all that shit.”
“Maybe they did. But I might be able to get her records and see what they found. I can do more work with Zoya and see where she falls on the developmental scale.” She grinned and though it was faint, it was genuine. “She might even be ahead of the curve.”
“Were you?”
She grinned. “Yes. All I did was read at first and I read everything, encyclopedias, the classics, comic books. Anything. It ended up being very helpful during the school year.”
Something in me unclenched at that. “So when she starts talking again, she won’t be behind in school.”
Eliana’s smile grew at those words. “That’s what I like to hear.”
“I’m working on it,” I assured her. “Thanks, Eliana. For sharing what happened to you with me. It hurt like a motherfucker but it… helped.”
“That is the only reason I unearthed it, Sledge.”
