I huffed a quiet laugh. This was classic Ruby.
“Listen, Sebastian. I felt it too. Something ... I don’t know ... changed. And it’s okay. For now. I mean, it’s the whole staying together and ... stuff.”
God. She was really bad at this.
I didn’t say anything. I’d said what I needed, she knew what I wanted. Now I wanted to hear what she’d choose.
“I let it happen,” she went on, like she was owning up to a disaster she’d caused. “I felt it happening, but I thought, you know, it’s us, it—”
“It would go away?” I cut in.
She drew her upper lip in, biting on it. Her silence told me I hit the spot. Which was my specialty with Ruby.
“Did it?” I asked.
“What?”
“Go away?”
She inhaled. Aloud. An almost gasp. Her chest rose beneath the pink shirt and stayed like that until she finally let the air leave her lungs.
Which meant it didn’t go away. It. Us. The change we both sensed. I could already tell that she felt something forme beyond what we’d been sharing all these years. But now it was crystal clear.
“So why not?” I asked quietly. “Why not go for more?” I didn’t bring up the Houston or California situation. First, we had to want it.
“Because,” she took another deep breath. “Why change what’s working? Why fix what ain’t broken? Why ... screw up what’s ... perfect?”
“Sounds like a song,” I said, failing to push back a smile. God, this woman! “Itwasperfect, Ruby,” I said after the smile faded.
“Was?” She blinked. My use of the past tense seemed to startle her.
I pressed my lips together and nodded in anI’m sorry to break this to you.
And I was. Because what I was doing now wasn’t part of the deal. And in some ways, it wasn’t fair to her.
Her eyes widened. I could see that she wanted to challenge me on thewas. She didn’t want to end us, she just wanted it unchanged. And I couldn’t do this anymore.
“I want more, Ruby. Another sort of perfect. I don’t want to pretend this doesn’t mean more to me. That you don’t mean more to me. I want you, not just in between, not just as a friend I fuck. I want it all. With you.”
She was already shaking her head as I spoke, like she was trying to stop me from uttering the words or herself from hearing them. So I didn’t addI love you. But I was pretty sure it was implied.
I didn’t know if it was the light coming in from the living room and reflecting in her eyes, but I thought I saw a glint in them.
I reached up and cupped her cheek. Unbeknownst to her, she threw me off my axis, and I liked it. I didn’t want to throw her off hers. I wanted to be her safe place.
Ruby laid her palm over mine. “I like what we have,” she said, her voice coming out hoarse. “I don’t want it to get complicated.”
“Too late for that.” My hand drifted down the curve of her cheek to the side of her neck, then I let it fall away.
I felt sorry for her. I really did. Because I loved her. And now I was fully admitting it to myself and near-fully to her. As far as I thought she could take.
“So, what are you saying, Sebastian?” she asked.
“That it’s too complicated to solve at this hour of the night.” I reached for her, and she lay down on her side, resting her head on my shoulder like always.
I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer.
I didn’t want us to end either.
