“I didn’t have relationships because I don’t want anyone to expect anything from me, and I don’t want to expect anything from anyone. First sign of feelings, and I’m gone. I have nothing to give back. You saved my life once. I’ll do you a favor and not complicate yours.”
He seemed intent on being cold, pushing me away. I knew him—who heusedto be—but ithadbeen years. Was he right? Was I, like the moon gazers from Earth, blind to its dark side?
“I only want what’s best for you. You won’t let me help in any other way, so please,pleasestay here as long as you need. Stay for your sons,” Oliver said in a calmer, quieter tone. He then turned and walked away, leaving me by the empty pool in the darkening garden.
Vi had been right. He didn’t intend to, but he had taken a piece of my heart with him, a piece he had always owned. It was his to wreck.
Now I had to guard the rest of my heart and keep it intact for my kids.
For myself.
Chapter 14
Oliver
The early morning pale light washed in through the large windows as I descended the stairs with my carry-on bag.
The usual, painless void that I had grown used to, today felt new and aching.
January made it impossible for me to stay aloof, detached.
Kissing her, touching her, tasting her had nearly killed me, incinerated me. But, even before that, everything about her could slay me—her eyes, her smile, her care for everyone else but herself. Not just for everyone, but for everything. She called her carPrettyto boost its confidence, for fuck’s sake. Her enthusiasm and appreciation of things like sunsets when all I thought was, “It’s the fucking sun; it was there yesterday, it’s gonna be there tomorrow.” I loved that incandescence of hers, even through the shit storms her life had rained on her. I didn’t want to be yet another shit storm, and that was why I had to keep her away. Keep myself away.
Ihadto do what I did yesterday. The look on her face would haunt me, but I had to do it. The mistake was allowing myself to succumb for those few moments before I had regained control over myself.
I could love her, but I didn’t know how. I wasn’t sure I knew what real love looked or felt like.
She deserved someone who knew how to love, like she did. She didn’t need or deserve a middle-aged man with rage issues.
If all my life I was a loaded gun of rage, trying to avoid exploding, escaping the Russian roulette of the tendencies I had inherited fromhim, with January, I was a gun loaded with longing. Longing for something that didn’t exist, that had never existed, not for me.
I couldn’t risk her finger on the trigger.
Chapter 15
January
In the morning, I found myself alone again on that big property. Even without much inspection, when I stepped out of the pool house, I could feel that the house was empty.
Despite what he’d said, I planned on leaving. I couldn’t stay here.
I hit a wall everywhere I turned.
I had never let anyone pity me, take care of me, fix my problems, offer me charity. By staying here, especially now, I would be handing Oliver all of those, along with my heart, which he obviously didn’t want anymore.
Years ago, I had resolved not to be miserable by constantly searching for happiness. I knew life well enough to gather that, at best, happiness was elusive. Mercurial, like Oliver.
Oliver with his deep, mesmerizing, disquieting gaze was as enigmatic as the ocean his house faced, as beautiful and—I had discovered yesterday—as ferocious.
I had allowed the battle-scarred optimist in me be beaten by reality once again.
Good instincts, bad judgment, hopeful actions.
But not anymore.
He was right. My life was complicated enough. I didn’t need nor could afford any more complications. I had acted against my own words in a moment of weakness. A moment of need, longing, recklessness.
My resolve to leave had to be acted upon, carried through, unlike my tattered resolve to not fall for Oliver. The only thing I could say in my defense was that I wasn’t falling for him, because I had never stopped loving him. But that wasn’t helpful.
