“Well, you’re you.”
Beau sent me a puzzled glance, and I knew I was going to have to explain my reasoning. “Look at you. You’re like the GI doll in Barbie.”
“So, because I’m buff and manly looking, that means I can’t watch Disney movies?”
“When you put it that way, I sound stupid.”
“Not stupid, Little girl. What have I told you about saying mean things about yourself? I’m a Daddy, Rebekah. It’s kinda in our handbook to love all things Disney.”
“There’s a handbook?” I asked, slapping a hand over my mouth.
“There sure is, and I take my job seriously. So, I always try to follow the rules to a T.”
I fell into a fit of giggles picturing this big, burly man sitting and watching Disney movies. Honestly, it would be a sight to see, one I would pay good money for.
“What’s so funny, Little girl?”
“Oh, nothing, just picturing you in a princess crown watchingMoana.”
“I would watchMoanaany day. It’s one of my favorites that Disney has ever released. I would have been okay watching whatever you wanted to watch, sweetheart,” he replied, bending down to pick up the remote I had left on the table in front of us. Beau paused the movie and turned back toward me.
My brain was screaming at me to fill the silence and ask the questions that had been bouncing around in my head for a while. Deciding to go for it, I took a deep breath and asked the question that I longed to know the most.
“So, you’re a Daddy. Do you have a Little of your own?”
There was a heavy silence following my question. Just as I was preparing to take back my question, Beau spoke up.
“I have known I was a Daddy since I was in high school. The few girls I dated back then never fulfilled that desire. Then, right after high school, I enlisted in the army. I entered with an Airborne Ranger contract. It was extremely challenging, but after completing basic training, Airborne School, and the Ranger Assessment and Selection Program, I was assigned to a Ranger Regiment. I stayed there until I was honorably discharged.”
“What happened?”
“I worked my way up through positions and ranks until I became a squad leader in charge of eight other Rangers. What should have been a simple ‘in and out mission’ turned into anambush we weren’t prepared for. Our mission was to aid in the rescue of an allied informant who the enemy had captured and, hopefully, gather some more intel for follow-on missions while still on target. But our position was compromised, and all hell broke loose.”
I sucked in a deep breath. I didn’t like where I thought this story might be headed. My heart raced at the thought of Beau being in harm’s way.
“We fought like Rangers, neutralizing the enemy, rescuing the hostage, and getting the hell out of there. We didn’t come out of it unscathed, though. We lost four men, and many others in our platoon were severely injured, myself included. I suffered a pretty severe TBI in the fight and was sent home to be treated. I was never the same, though, and was medically retired with an honorable discharge, ending my career as an Army Ranger.”
My heart broke for the Beau who once was. I couldn’t imagine the hurt of losing members of your team, those you were supposed to be in charge of making sure they returned home. Knowing that he was battling the feelings of loss while also trying to heal from a TBI made me want to throw my arms around him and remind him that he was safe now.
“I knew that while I was in the military, I wouldn’t be able to dedicate the time to a relationship that it deserved. Plus, no Little girl should have to worry if her Daddy is going to come home to her or not. Once I was out, though, I spiraled and lost all hope in life. I was simply existing, going through the motions, not caring to continue. Survivor’s remorse, they called it. The guilt from surviving the situation when others on my team didn’t. After picking myself off the bar floor far too many times, I decided that I was doing a disservice to the Ranger buddies I lost by just existing, and not thriving. So, I cleaned up my act, got help, and started SFT.”
I nodded, giving him a small smile. It must have been hard to live the life you had originally planned.
“I put all my focus on SFT, so there wasn’t time to search for my perfect Little. I played with a few in the local club when I wanted to release some tension and emotion, but nothing ever stuck. Not until now.”
My face heated. He couldn’t be talking about me; there was no way. Being brave, I asked, “What do you mean?”
“I don’t need to search for my perfect Little anymore because she showed up on the front steps of my building and found me.”
“How do you know that I’m the Little for you? I’m not even actually a Little, but more a Middle. I do enjoy going younger most times, but I find myself floating in an older age more often.”
“When a Daddy knows, he just knows. I don’t know how to explain it, but from the moment that I saw you, I knew that you were meant to be mine. That you were supposed to be the Little, or Middle, for me. Tell me you haven’t felt the same pull and desire that I have?”
“I can’t because that would be a lie. I feel safe with you. I don’t have to worry about anything. I can just play and be me because I know that you are there watching. I’ve never felt this way about someone else, and that scares me more than I want to admit.”
“It scares me, too, sweetheart. But I’ve learned that if we never chase after our desires because we are scared, we aren’t really living. I refuse to just exist anymore.”
Knowing exactly the feeling that he was describing, I nodded. After Alicia died, I had lost all purpose in living. There was no sunshine, no birds singing, no wind blowing through my hair. There was just agony, pain, and suffering.
