“What’s that?”
"I still love them, Rafe and Lorian. I know it’s wrong given what they’ve done to me, what they planned all along, and what I did tothem, and what’s still to come, and what we will have to do to each other during their annual visit, but I can’t help myself.”
"Of course you still love them. Love doesn't end just because it's inconvenient, messy, or wrong." She touches my hand, the first genuine gesture she's ever made. "But sometimes love also means letting go."
"Is that what you did? Let go of loving someone?"
"I never had anyone to lose," she says, but her eyes tell a different story.
“I don’t believe you.”
I don’t think she’s going to answer me, and I turn over to go to sleep, but then she says, “There was a child.”
I turn back around. “Gai’s?”
“No, he would never do that. My master from before.”
“What happened?” I ask, but I can guess. Most children are sold and forced into slavery.
“I don’t know. One minute I had her at my breast and the next she was gone. I was beaten for crying or asking about her, so I just stopped. Sometimes I wonder if I imagined it all from the insanity of this life.”
“Have you asked Gai?”
She gives me a look like I’m an idiot.
“Sorry, that was a stupid question. I’m so sorry, Autumn. I’m sure it really happened.”
Autumn holds an imaginary baby to her breast. “I named her Maria, and she looked so human. I’ve never loved anyone more, and I dreamed about running away with her…”
“I’m so sorry.”
Autumn makes a motion with her hands as if the baby is being taken from her again.
“If I ever get the chance, I will find out what happened to your baby and, if possible, free her.”
“I don’t even know if it really happened. Some days, I think I imagined it all. Other days I think I have convinced myself I imagined it all to survive this pet life.”
“I will find out the truth,” I promise her. “And regardless, you know, as one human to another, what it means to love and how painful it is to lose someone, or in my case, persons. I feel like I might die from how much it hurts to lose Rafe and Lorian.”
“And you don’t think that would be romantic?”
“To die from heartbreak? No, I’m not fucking Lord Byron.”
“It’s not as if anything else exciting is going to happen. Every day is the same. We get up, follow the Commander around, and then go to bed. I feel nothing. I sometimes remember I used to feel more than just the physical pleasure of things. But now, my mind is numb. So be grateful your heart hurts so much because the alternative is a heart that stops beating and becomes frozen like ice, and I wish every day that mine would beat again for something. Anything. But it doesn’t; it's just silent, and sometimes I wonder if I’m dead.” She hesitates, and tears form in her eyes. “Why doesn’t my heart beat for anything anymore, Eve?”
I reach out and take her hand in mine. “I don’t know…I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have brought this up.”
“No, I’m glad you did. I’ve not told a soul how I feel about any ofthis. And you should know my heart is paralyzed.” Then, as if she was embarrassed she told me anything, she removes her hand from mine and turns away from me.
And I’m left alone with my thoughts in the darkness.
66
THE TRANSPORT TO ALBA, LORIAN
It’s beenten months since we sent her away from the Spire. Ten months of nightmares when I reached for her in the middle of the night and my hands passed through nothing but cold air. Waking up in a panic, alone in my bed. Not in our shared suite. And then in the darkness of the Fifth Chime, I would remember every detail of what happened in the shrine and how angry Rafe was with me.
Now I’m hardly surviving; I miss her so much.
