All the nervous energy was suddenly worth it, because“might just keep you”is way better than“going to bury you in the snow beside your ex-boyfriend…”
And if I’m being honest with myself… it’s way better than“when this is all over, I’m going to disappear from your life like I was never there at all.”
Fuck… as he pulls me back to the fire and feeds me a bite of the sandwich I made with a grin, I realize that him disappearing now that I know what being with him is like might be worse than him leaving me dead in the snow.
13
STREETER
“Tell me what it’s like?”Remi asks, his knees pulled to his chest as he stares into the fire.
“Tell you what what’s like?” I have a feeling I know what he wants to know, but I need the words.
In a whisper almost too faint to hear, he says, “Killing someone.”
I lean more heavily against the couch, watching the shadows from the fire dance across his skin. It’s a harmless question, especially after what he saw me do. But if I tell Remi, will he still like me?
Stupid question. He saw me chop someone’s head off and blew me with their blood still on my skin. Of course he’ll still like me. But that was a physical thing, when he saw me beheading Garth—terrible fucking name, by the way—and laying waste to the other fuckheads who were in the cabin. He wants to know myfeelingswhile I do it.
The truth is, I like killing. It makes me feel more alive, knowing I’m stopping someone else’s heart. My blood sings in my veins and my mind clears. When I have my Baddies blaringin my ears? The pleasure I feel is out of this world. Not as good as sex, but a close second.
Can I tell him all that? Will Remi make me feel bad about enjoying killing? Maybe he’ll think I’ll take his life too.
That won’t happen. I like my hummingbird too much to off him. He’s shown me what I can have if someone trusts their pleasure to me. He’s letting me give him the first real ecstasy he’s ever felt, and I want that for the foreseeable future. He’s putting his literal life in my hands, and it’s a heady experience. Besides that, Remi isgood.Yeah, he saw me kill people and helped me move their bodies, but that can be chalked up to self-preservation. Now, he actually likes me, so getting to know me could change his feelings.
Still, I don’t want to lie to him. He asked me a question, so I’ll answer as best I can.
“It makes me feel free.” He glances back at me, his expression unreadable. “When I know I’m going to take someone’s life, I feel alive. The first time I killed, I was light, fucking buoyant, as happy as can be. I wanted to revel in it, to drench myself in my victim’s blood until I had the scent and texture memorized.”
“Is that why you kept killing after the first time?” he asks in a curious tone.
I told Remi I’d killed seven people before I committed my first mass murder in this cabin. All of them deserved it in some form for how they treated me, even the smallest of slights. I moved from California, where there were too many people, too many instances where someone could piss me off and I’d snap, so I could try to be…normal.
Normal must be fucking overrated, because even in a small tourist town, assholes are universal.
Shaking my head, I say, “Yes and no. I think after the first person, I gave myself permission to let the thoughts of killing people free, and I wouldn’t feel anything when I was done. Ithought killing would make me lose my humanity, but I don’t think I was born with any.”
“No?” Remi looks at me sadly. “I don’t know if that’s true. I mean… you showed me something different.”
Grinning, I lean forward and take his lips in a soft kiss. “Because you saw me, Hummingbird. Not what I did, but who I am, and you didn’t leave.”
He chuckles. “Where was I supposed to go? I was… scared. I didn’t want you to kill me too.”
“I won’t.” I thumb at his lower lip again. “I told you, I plan to keep you.” His breath is warm against my mouth as he sighs. “Are you still afraid of me?”
He does a strange combination of nodding and shaking his head. Then he stops and blows out a soft breath. “I don’t know. I mean, yeah, I think so. But also… I don’t… mind being afraid? I don’t think you’ll hurt me or leave me in the snow.”
Confused, I ask, “Leave you in the snow?”
Remi waves his hand towards the back door. “Yeah. With them.”Ah.
“No, I won’t leave you in the snow. Do you want to kill someone?”
I expect him to balk, to slide away from me and tell me that only monsters kill people for no reason.
Instead, Remi looks up at the ceiling as if he’s really thinking about it. For some reason, that sends a flutter through my belly.
No one, not even my last boyfriend, saw who I was. Camden doesn’t count since we clocked what the other person was almost immediately.
