Hannah looked at me, smiling with a sadness that made my insides clench. “I’m new here. I don’t know anyone, really. And I’m not a ‘socializing’ kind of person. So hanging out with Clara sounds pretty good to me.” She winked at Clara, who was beaming.
Fuckingbeaming.
Another clench to my insides.
Because as overwhelming as that smile was, there was no way Hannah was living in my house.
“Thank you,” I snapped, making Hannah jump as I stood up. “I’ll be in touch.”
The end of the interview was abrupt, ignoring the fourteen unasked questions on my list.
I had a hunch Hannah would answer them perfectly.
“Is there anything else you want to know?” She stood too, looking uncertain, unsteady, a little off-kilter. “I’d be happy to provide you with more references, transcripts from school?”
“Nope. Thank you. As I said, I’ll be in touch.” I didn’t look at her. “Clara, do you want to walk her to the door?”
“Can’t she stay a little longer?” Clara asked. “I still have more questions.”
I was so used to obliging Clara’s every need, my mouth was open to say yes before I knew it. Luckily, I caught myself, drawing in a deep breath.
“We have things to do, Bug. You can walk her to the door, though.”
Clara’s lips turned down, but she hopped off her chair, grabbed Hannah’s arm, and walked her to the door.
I listened to them talk for three minutes. Hannah was patient, kind, and engaging with Clara. The happiness in Clara’s voice warmed my bones and furthered my self-hatred for having such a carnal reaction to someone my daughter so clearly connected to.
Finally, the door opened and shut. No more soft hum of a feminine voice. No more exciting chatter from my daughter. I missed the sounds already.
“Iloveher.” Clara came running in, her smile lighting up the whole room. “And she does knowWednesday.Enid is her favorite too.” Her mouth was stretched in the widest smile I’dseen. “She’s sunshine and rainbows. Being happy and hopeful is a superpower.”
My breathing shallowed at my daughter’s joy, the two of them sharing interests in things I couldn’t comprehend, sharing insights I couldn’t give her because I wasn’t hopeful or happy. But I wanted my daughter to be. Oh, how I wanted my daughter to be sunshine and fucking rainbows and never even remember the time when her life was full of storm clouds and darkness.
“We’re going with Mrs. Jennifer,” I decided.
She was the one I’d disliked the least. And that wasn’t saying much. But she would have to do. Though the thought of her alone with my child burned my esophagus, she’d keep her physically safe. Her references were long and reassuring, but would she light up Clara’s world, ask her questions about her disease, talk about spiders and fuckingWednesday? Would she treat her like a person, not a job to be done?
Clara’s bottom lip went out, her eyes shimmering as she looked up at me. “But, Daddy, she didn’t even ask a single question about my spider tea party, doesn’t like Nirvana, and her smile wasn’t right.”
I swallowed past the guilt threatening to suffocate me. My daughter was right on all counts. Her smile had been tight. Tolerant but not genuine.
I spotted that because I was someone who abhorred smiling—unless it was at my daughter. And I couldn’t give a shit if someone was cheerful to the world or not, but they better fucking smile at my daughter.
“I like Hannah.” She folded her arms in front of her.
I did too. That was the problem. She would be perfect for Clara. But she was also perfect for me.
“We’re going with Mrs. Jennifer,” I stated more firmly, tasting my own bitterness as I spoke.
Clara’s little brow knitted. She wasn’t used to me putting my foot down a whole lot. There wasn’t reason to. Clara was a pleasant kid, she was polite, cute as all fuck, and didn’t throw tantrums at all. And because she’d spent the majority of her life sick, I didn’t like to spend any time arguing with her about what she wanted.
I just gave it to her.
But not this time.
Not with Hannah.
Not when it came to her living in my house. I could barely stand being around her for the fucking interview. One I ended after five goddamn minutes. My focus did not need to be on my nanny's ass or smile. It needed to be on getting my daughter well, getting the restaurant earning good cash, and getting our life back to a semblance of normal.
