I was not alone.
I was at the park early, because I hadn’t slept. The tip of my nose was numb. As were my fingertips.
Because of the fresh dumping of snow in the night. One last breath of arctic winter before spring came in. Well, that was according to the weather report I listened to on the way over.
Mainly, I was cold because I didn’t have my coat.
My coat was hanging in Beau’s entryway. My heart was ruined, in pieces in the living room.
I’d purposefully gotten out of my car and stomped into the middle of the park to make sure I wasn’t in the parking lot when he arrived with Clara.
There was only one other truck in the lot. The actual playground was abandoned, no parents wanting to brave the chilly weather, likely being smart and staying warm inside with their children.
Their families.
I didn’t have one anymore.
No. I had Clara. I’d always have Clara. Whatever Beau had done to wreck both of us, I would not let it destroy what I had with her.
Even if I had no idea how I’d make it work. What would happen when Beau inevitably started dating again? What would happen if he got married and Clara got a stepmother?
I almost vomited in the snow thinking of it.
One thing at a time. Make snowmen with Clara and figure out how to make this breakup something that didn’t destroy her world.
My stomach bottomed out at the sight of Beau’s truck pulling up, parking directly beside my car. That was why I was standing here. A not-so-subtle sign that I wanted him as far away as possible. I didn’t want to catch a glimpse of him up close. Seeing him get out of the truck, lifting out Clara was bad enough.
I made myself focus on Clara. No eye contact with Beau. I didn’t want to read anything on his face. What would hurt more… to see him detached and glacial already, or regretful? Pining?
I pleaded with the universe not to let Beau come with Clara. I couldn’t handle having to play nice in front of her, to have to speak to him. Nor did I want her to see us up close, in whatever new dynamic would arise while being broken up.
Thankfully, Beau walked her to the entrance of the park, then she came running toward me. Though I didn’t look at him, I knew his jaw was probably taut at her running through the snow, tensed for her to trip or hurt herself.
She didn’t.
I bent so she could jump into my arms. My entire body relaxed at her scent, her warmth, the weight of her.
I squeezed my eyes shut and let exactly one tear escape as I held her tight.
“I missed you,” she said to my hair, sounding sad. Confused.
My fractured heart broke further.
“I missed you more,” I told her honestly, giving her one last squeeze before letting her go.
She was wrapped up in a coat, hat, her cheeks flushed red. Healthy. It never ceased to amaze me, seeing the life in her. The energy I’d never take for granted.
“Daddy said you’re going to be staying with Lori for a while, to help her.” She chewed her lip. “And that you’d still look after me.”
I gritted my teeth. That fuckingasshole. The coward hadn’t told her that we broke up. Why? I knew he cared about her feelings more than anything, but not telling her would only prolong the hurt.
Unless he was regretting his rash, stupid decision. A flame of hope burned in my heart, even as I tried to extinguish it. His regret didn’t mean anything. The damage was done.
“Your dad is right.” I pulled Clara’s hat down to cover her ears. “I’m going to be staying with Lori for a little while.”
I guessed I was a coward too. But it wasn’t my place to break apart Clara’s world. Her father had done that, so it was his responsibility. I already planned on sending a lengthy, angry text to him later today.
A text was juvenile, but I wasn’t strong enough to hear his voice, let alone stand in front of him.
