My fucking brother.
He’d spilled everything, apparently. Though I couldn’t lay the blame at his feet entirely. Maybe if I’d found a way to tell Beau in my own words, he wouldn’t have twisted the truth into some kind of warped reason to give up on me.
“Jack chosenowto be the protective brother, and you chosenowto be the man who gives a fuck what other people think?” I shot at him. I let go of his jacket, stepping back. I couldn’t be close with him anymore, even if I wanted to seek safety in his chest. It wasn’t safe anymore.Hewasn’t safe anymore. “One man discussing my past and another deciding my future?” I shook my head, disgusted.
My ruined, bleeding heart pounded in my chest as I tried to reconcile my reality. Less than ten minutes ago, I was lying in Clara’s bed, warm and content.
A week ago, Beau and I had been in bed, joking about Clara’s high school prom and how I’d have to remove any access to shotguns.
“I love you,” I said in barely a whisper.
The words hit Beau like missiles. His whole body flinched, recoiling in pain.
I was glad about that. Pleased to witness the pain I was causing Beau, even if it only served to spread more agony through the chambers of my heart.
Keeping eye contact with him as I said it was the hardest thing I’d done. But I’d done it.
“I was waiting.” I swallowed blades. “To tell you that. Even though I’ve loved you for a long time. Longer than I should’ve. Since the start.” I peered down at my hands, willing them to stop trembling. “I was scared to say it out loud because I thought it might be some omen. That me accepting a love that made me feel safe, happy, whole would actually break me.” I laughed mirthlessly, the sound empty and ugly. “I was gathering the courage to say it, even if you already knew. It was a big deal. A symbol of our life together. Now it can be a goodbye, and if it’s not too crass to say, a fuck you.”
I said the words slowly, delicately, because I didn’t have the strength to speak louder. To be crueler.
The words were plenty cruel, though, if the wretched expression on Beau’s face was anything to go by.
“Hannah.” He reached for my cheek, voice completely broken.
I held my hand up, and he stopped, his own hand falling to his side. I couldn’t know what he was going to do or say. Was he going to try to apologize? Make up? Say he was wrong?
Oh, how I ached to let him. Already I was desperate to forgive him even when the wounds he’d inflicted were still gushing blood.
But I held firm. Beau Shaw would be the first and last man to cut me that deep.
“You want to be done, don’t be a coward and say it’s for my own good.” Suddenly, my limbs felt heavy, I was scooped out. Exhausted. All of my energy had gone toward fighting for us.A losing battle. “It’s because you’re afraid.” I shook my head. Disappointed. Disgusted. Heartbroken.
Then, before I could do anything like get on my knees and beg him to fight for us, I turned and walked away. It was only then that I realized I had nowhere to go. That was supposed to be my home.
And Beau had just set a bomb to it.
thirty
HANNAH
I couldn’t stayin that house. I’d survived it when Beau was borderline intolerable. When he was cruel. Dismissive. I’d survived it with tension constantly simmering between us, unable to act on it.
But I hadn’t merely survived once we finally gave in. I’d thrived. I’d lived a kind of life that I hadn’t thought I’d ever experience. I’d tentatively believed I was part of a family. At first, I’d pushed those thoughts away, careful to protect myself.
But it had been impossible to live as we had with my shields up. Beau tore them down. Clara tore them down.
And it obliterated my soul, now that it was being taken away.
Robotically, I packed my bags. Beau didn’t come into the room. His room. Which was what it was now. Not mine. It had never been mine. That had been a dream. A fool’s hope.
It was a weird irony that I had more baggage leaving this place than I did when I arrived.
I had to use canvas grocery bags to shove my extra clothes in—bought with Lori and given to me by Calliope. Gifts from Clara. All of it was more than I could ask for, and I refused to let Beau ruin it.
Living there, meeting the people in Jupiter had made my life so much fuller. There would be a big, yawning hole in my chest forever once I left. Yet I had to leave. Plugging that hole was a task for later. Right then, I was focused on placing one foot in front of the other.
Arms full of bags, boots on, I walked down the hall. There was no choice but to go through the living room.
