‘His words, not mine.’ He laughs. ‘Don’t worry, he only means because you’re coupled off. And I don’t take orders from jealous men who need to loosen their man bun a little, I think it’s tugging on his brain.’
‘Just don’t try to wind him up,’ I say.
‘Cleo, I’m not trying to do anything to him,’ he replies. ‘You, on the other hand… that’s another story.’
And with that, he walks off.
At first I feel my cheeks flush, then pressure building in my forehead, then my palms sweating… but then I remember, he doesn’t mean that, it’s for the cameras. He’s flirting with me so that the public puts us together, so we can get the boot together, so we can go back to working on the show rather than starring in it.
God, I’m tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of acting for cameras. Tired of trying to manage who’s playing what part in a script that doesn’t really exist. I guess this is Lockie’s thing, his speciality, scripted reality. This whole thing is a set-up. None of it’s real – not for us, at least. And Ozzy, I’m sure he doesn’t care about me, he’s just playing the game. Viewers love this, it’s how you stay in.
I just need to remind myself of the plan: stay calm, stay dull, get voted off. The only way home is by being boring. Lockie too. Sadly it doesn’t seem to come naturally to us. It’s like the more I try to be boring, the more I end up as the accidental highlight reel.
I need to do better… or worse, I guess – because the next vote will put us into new couples (the public always decides the second pairing on the show), and I need to be lumped with Lockie. Perhaps I don’t need to try so hard. If Ozzy seems jealous, people might just make the call to put me with Lockie just to piss Ozzy off. That could work. That would keep things interesting. Then we can start being boring or making the others seem more interesting, and then, boom, we’re gone.
The sooner we do this, the sooner I can get back to the yacht – and to the real world.
I just hope no one I love has tuned in to see this disaster unfold. Because if they have, I might never live it down.
Thankfully none of them watch it, and with flagging views it’s not like it will make the news. Just so long as I don’t do anything interesting.
Usually, that’s not a problem for me.
18
Watching reality TV might make it seem like contestants are always sitting around having dull chats. But when you’re actually involved in reality TV – whether working behind the scenes or starring in it – you realise that those conversations about nothing are actually a big part of the day. It can’t all be challenges, and you definitely can’t just nap your way through it; it’s all about keeping things entertaining. Now that I’m here, I truly understand how genuinely, genuinely boring most of those conversations can be.
‘I just don’t see the point of learning to do things myself,’ Camilla says, brushing sand from her forearm. ‘I have a lash girl, a brow girl, a hair girl, two spray tan girls, and a cleaner. My PA does all the annoying bits like paying my parking tickets, knowing my passwords and remembering people’s birthdays. I have everything covered.’
‘You don’t remember people’s birthdays?’ Tony checks.
‘Well, some,’ she says. ‘I know when my own is, obviously. But others, yeah, I have a girl for that.’
‘Even, like… your mum’s birthday?’ he replies.
‘Obviously, I know my mum’s birthday, darling,’ Camilla says, offended that he even asked. ‘But my assistant sends her a card. I don’t do post offices. Or licking envelopes – who knows where they’ve been?’
‘Everywhere,’ Tony jokes. ‘Does your assistant wipe your arse for you?’
I shouldn’t laugh.
‘Funny you should talk about hygiene, because I used the outhouse after you, and it was foul,’ she announces for everyone to hear.
Tony places his hands on his chest like she’s shot him.
‘I’ll have you know I’m a very clean boy,’ he informs her with a smile.
‘I also heard you got your downstairs waxed on TV,’ she says. It’s like the words taste dirty in her mouth.
He bursts out laughing.
‘It was part of the show! It’s fly-on-the-wall,’ he says in his defence.
‘Poor fly,’ she says with a smirk.
Honey lets out a little giggle, then tries to hide it behind her hand.
‘You lads ever had anything waxed?’ Tony asks Ozzy and Lockie.
