It wasn’t the marriage per se that had changed him. In most ways, he was still the same man he had been last month. He still did what he wanted, how he wanted it. And he still cared little for what other people thought of him.
No… the change was not to his nature, but the person whom he now shared his life with. She was what had changed, and she was dragging him along with her.
This new side of his wife was a dream in many ways. He could still be himself around her. He could still say what he wanted and do what he liked. The only difference being that everything he did, every action he took, he thought first about Sophia and how it would be perceived. Dammit, he wanted her to accept him as he had never been accepted before.
His hand shook above the handle, sweat started to bead on his skin, and despite how much he wanted to open the door and walk in… he just couldn’t do it.
This was not who Gabriel was. He never meant to fall in love. He had never meant to care. He wanted freedom only, a life that was his to do with how he wished it. Now that his wife had changed so much, he was drawn to her beyond comprehension. She was nothing like what he imagined and everything he ever wanted.
What was more, he knew that she felt the same way about him.
Fear was what held Gabriel back. For all his talk of change, he was terrified of the concept. He remembered his childhood, the way his father had treated him and his mother. He thought about the pain and suffering that this caused in him, the way it shaped him into the man he was. And he lurched back as he pictured what it might do to him should he let it.
I am not my father, and Sophia is different. Why would our marriage be anything like that one? I cannot be.
Gabriel was being foolish, but to have lived with this type of fear for so long meant it was difficult to push through and leave behind. He wanted to go to his wife and show her how much he cared for her. He was just too scared to do it.
One day, he was sure this would change, but it would not be this day. One day…. Dammit, one day hee might even be happy.
With a sigh, Gabriel dropped his hand, turned, and walked down the hall and away from his wife’s room. This relationship was slow going, which was fine. But a point would come when he would have to make a decision. To change the way he felt, or to do the same and burn this last bridge. To end the marriage before it had a chance to truly start, or to accept what it was and take that final plunge.
What he would do when that time came, he could not say. And that realization scared him most of all.
CHAPTER 24
“Iwill be right back,” Sophia said to Gabriel. “Will you be fine on your own?”
Gabriel frowned. “Should I not be.”
She laughed. “Just making sure. I wouldn’t want you to feel lonely, or as if I am having fun without you.”
He looked at her flatly. “I think I will be quite fine. In fact, take your time, no need to rush. Likely, I will not even notice that you are gone.”
“Mean.”
“And you are not?”
Sophia beamed with humor, thoroughly enjoying the repartee between them. It was like that now, the ease at which they were able to speak and make jokes.
So much has changed in these few weeks, and all of these changes are for the better.
“Oh, don’t forget, you are set to play soon,” he then reminded her. As he did, he reached out and touched her on the elbow. It was a subtle movement, but the effect was felt through Sophia’s entire body.
She gasped at his touch. Her body stiffened. She looked from his hand to his eyes, trying to determine the meaning behind this simple gesture. Gabriel smiled but he did not appear overly concerned, no sign at all that it meant anything.
“I won’t forget,” she said to him, swallowing back the lump in her throat. “But thank you for reminding me.”
“It’s why I am here,” he said and dropped his hand. “At least we can count on one thing. That your playing will be far better than anything else we have heard today.”
As Sophia had promised, she and Gabriel were attending Mr. Blackwell’s musical soiree together. In truth, she had looked forward to it, because she wanted to perform in front of a crowd without her mother watching and judging her. For all her talk of freedom, this felt like her first real chance toshowthe ton and her peers how much she had changed.
What was more, it was a chance to show Gabriel.
There were perhaps two-score guests in attendance. They spread across the music room and into the drawing room as they drank wine, nibbled on snacks, and waited for the next performance to start. Again, Sophia cared little for them or what they thought. They were not why she was here.
She only meant to go to the washroom to freshen up before her performance. She would be gone for maybe five minutes at the most. As silly as it was to think, those five minutes felt like much longer than they would be, and she did not want to leave her husband’s side.
He stood one foot away… close enough for her to reach out and touch him. Her fingers tingled and it spread through her, suddenly nervous and unsure. Sophia wanted to take her husband’s hand and squeeze it, a sign of affection that was sorely missing in their relationship so far…
