Sure, the sex is great when we hook up, but that’s not what has me so twisted up about our complicated relationship.
Warden is my best friend. Letting him get that close was my first mistake. Now, I’m always overflowing with worry whenever he puts himself in the line of danger. This latest stunt has really put things in perspective.
I’ve already had to deal with loss before. My father, a man who was distant to begin with, drowned himself in everything that was Steelwood. It’s what got him killed. My mother… she was just someone who happened to get knocked up. As soon as I was born, she was gone. I don’t even know her name. Don’t know her face.
Despite Judge taking me in out of obligation, he’s the closest thing to family that I’ve got. Still, I didn’t get hit with a wave of crippling panic when he threw himself in the line of fire. If anything, I wanted him to take a bullet to the stomach so he could feel the same kind of pain his road captain had.
Warden is special, and that’s what scares me the most. I don’t like how much he pulls out of me compared to everyone else. It’s a terrifying discovery when all these feelings I’ve packed down over the years keep trying to resurface.
Being surrounded by death with my job and my past, I’ve grown numb to it all. I haven’t felt anything in years. But Warden… he’s the outlier.
If I let myself want him, will I survive losing him like I’ve lost others? What about my heart? It already beats faster whenever he’s around. If the day comes around when he disappears, will it stop beating altogether, losing reason to keep going?
The thought makes me squirm every time it crosses my mind. As each day passes, I know that something this good, something this safe, will eventually have to come to an end. I’ll have to be the one to pull the trigger when that time comes around.
I don’t want to disappoint him, and I fear the day he asks to be something more. That’ll be the time I’ll have to do it. The more I look at him, the sooner it feels like I’ll need to do it.
I can see it in his eyes, the longing. The simmering love he feels for me. A betraying part of my mind tells me that it’s like looking in the mirror, that I’m a fool for pretending that I’m not just as in love with him too.
I think the only thing stopping him from asking me to be his old lady is the agreement we made at the very beginning. That this would never be anything serious. This would be a way to release the stress that both of our lives have built up.
Feelings aren’t allowed to form, no matter what. Yet, here I am, with a throb in my chest. Instead of a hole, there’s a heart that beats for the man at my side. Right now, it feels like it’s pounding away heavily enough to bring concern.
My fingers curl at my side, missing the warmth from holding his.
“I haven’t been here in forever.” Tossing his cup toward their trashcan, it bounces and nearly misses. “You?”
“Twice this summer, but when they first reopened.” Answering his question with a murmur, we stroll up to the teen working inside the small shack. Just some kid with their phone in their hand as they scroll aimlessly.
With how many empty benches there are, I can’t blame them for being bored.
“Want to get something to share?” Suggesting it with a nonchalant shrug, he nods toward my drink. “To avoid waste, of course.”
Right. That’s a good reason. I won’t want more than a handful of bites, anyway.
Deciding on sharing a banana split, we’re soon settled at a worn picnic table after disturbing the teenager’s peace, the wood warped and pricking against the edge.
Offering me a long plastic spoon, I play with the handle of it while he delves deep into the sweet. Making sure he has a little bit of everything on his first bite, he doesn’t hesitate to plunge it past his lips. The groan that leaves him strikes deep. Hardly without prompt, I’m brought back to that kiss we’d shared this morning.
It was the first kiss we’d had since we parted ways on a bad note. I’d missed the contact with him more than I want to admit. I’m not some woman in heat looking to jump anyone, but Warden makes me want him any time he’s near.
It’s a weakness he is well aware of and only sometimes takes advantage of.
Biting my lip, I’m mesmerized by the way his throat bobs. Every flick of his tongue against his lips as me stirring against the bench. Without even putting in the effort, he’s got the pit of my stomach filling with molten heat.
Conflicting feelings aside, my hunger for him is always there. I couldn’t care less about the ice cream. I just want… him.
Completely unaware of what’s going on in my head, he motions for me to take some. To appease him, I do.
The sugar hardly satisfies this emptiness in my chest. “It’s good.”
He smiles and strokes my heartstrings. “Right? Worth the walk?”
Nodding my head, I’m back to watching him devour every bite. It’s amusing, watching him get so happy over something as simple as a dessert. He is not a hard man to please.
Maybe that’s why I’m good enough for him. For whatever reason, instead of finding a woman who doesn’t carry baggage, he did whatever he wanted and fell for me. If I didn’t like him as much as I do, I’d call him a fool for doing something so careless.
Despite the banana split disappearing with every bite, I wish I could extend a moment like this a little longer. Tempted toorder another one just to make it happen, I don’t risk missing a second of this by getting up.
