I puff out a breath. “She’s a wreck, man. Completely shattered.” I feel my own emotions shaking up inside me, trying to bubble to the surface. I’m not ready to let them out. Not here.
“You gonna be okay?” Lance is one of the few people who understands what I’m feeling. He understands the sacrifices and struggles that come with this career path.
“Not for a while. But, yea. Eventually,” I say, keeping my eyes loosely focused on the tiled flooring.
Lance stands up, adjusts his glasses on the bridge of his nose and shrugs on his white coat. “Hey, you can always switch to derm,” he jokes. It’s an inside joke we tell each other. We’ve been saying it since our intern year.
Dermatology is a specialty with its own challenges, but the risk of loss of life is much lower, and the competitiveness isn’t as high. Whenever one of us was having a rough day, the other would say things like,if it’s too much for you, just switch to derm.It’d be our way of reminding ourselves we chose this specialty for a reason. The hard days are part of the job, and hopefully, we learn something to make the number of bad days fewer and fewer.
I feel a corner of my mouth twitch with a small effort of a smile and look up at Lance. “Not happening, my friend. You’re stuck with me.”
He smiles back, reaching for the door handle. “Glad to have you by my side, bro.”
He opens the door, and he blocks the small figure of a person on the other side, with their fist raised, ready to knock on the door. “Oh. Hey, Lance. Is he here?”
I don’t have to see around Lance’s broad form to know who he’s talking to. Her voice immediately puts me on edge.
Lance murmurs about seeing me later, but I’m too overwhelmed to do anything but nod as he leaves to make his rounds.
“I was hoping to find you here,” Nicolette says, as she lets herself into my office. “Guess you’ve been too busy to return my calls and texts,” she scoffs, playing with the end of her ponytail.
“We broke up, Nicolette. There’s no reason for me to return your calls or messages,” I huff, not having the mental energy for her right now.
“Wedidn’t break up.Youwere having a bad day, andI’vebeen giving you space.”
She plops on the couch beside me, her hand conveniently finding my knee.
“I heard about Sammy, babe. I’m so sorry,” she says softly.
I let my head fall into my hands, hearing his name right now, in this moment, it’s crushing me. I’m not ready to deal withanything.
“Yea,” I mumble, keeping my head down.
She brushes her fingers into my hair, smoothing it back, and fixing my hair into the side part that she likes so much.
“I can’t imagine how much pressure you’ve been under, babe. I was being selfish. I rescinded the application for that condo. It wasn’t the right time. You were right. We don’t need to rush into buying a place together. Let’s just reset. Start fresh.”
My eyes are burning from holding back my tears. I want to fallapart. I want to let go of all the pain and frustration. I want to talk about Sammy, and how he reminded so much of Jacob. How the world is cruel, and unfair, but I still believe I can help people. Is that selfish of me? Margeaux would tell me the truth. Margeaux would make me feel comfortable, and safe. Nicolette is the opposite of that. I used to think Nicolette was the safest, most reasonable choice I could make in a partner. She’s anything but.
Staying with Nicolette would mean putting myself into a box. Hiding who I really am. Saying things to please people and keep the status quo. That would feel good for a short while, but then I’d look back on my life and feel disgusted with myself. I’d be filled with regrets.No regrets.
“You need to leave,” I say and stand up, moving to the other side of this small office.
“Excuse me?” Nicolette asks, crossing her arms over chest, and leaning back further into the couch.
“This is my office. You’re not part of the pediatric cardiology medical team. You need to leave,” I repeat myself, being firmer with my tone.
“Jon. I know you’re upset. Let me help you. I’m here for you.” She gets up and motions towards me. I step back towards the corner.
“No! You’re here foryou! Everything you do is for yourself, Nicolette. And I let myself stay oblivious and naïve because I thought I wanted what you did. But I don’t. I want nothing that you want. I want nothing that has anything to do with you.”
“This is about that tattooed bimbo, isn’t it?” she scoffs, rolling her eyes with a goldish-brown eye shadow.
“No. She isn’t part of this. And she’s not a bimbo. She’samazing. Now, for the last time, get the fuck out of my office, and my life. We’re done, Nicolette.”
Fortunately, the door is open enough for staff to hear what’s going on from the hallway. People stop their conversations to get a peek at the commotion going on inside my office. The public embarrassment is enough to make Nicolette’s eyes water and cheeks turn a deep shade of red. I refuse to fall for her wounded bird act. I’m embarrassed too. Embarrassed that I let myself become entangled with her for a year.
“Don’t come crawling back to me when that tattooed freak dumps your boring ass, Jon!” she shrieks on her way out of my office.
