Waited.
Waited…
He leant forwards to peer into the cab.‘Your Grace?We… We’re back at the townhouse.’
She had barely moved during the drive.Her back curved into the same bow of penance, her toes poking from beneath her skirts, and her eyes were cast down, her neck long and her chin dipped into her chest.
‘You knew.’She formed each word with a perfect roundedness.Each syllable that dropped from her lips was as cold and clear as crystal.
‘I didn’t know where he was,’ he said, although his next breath came in by halves.‘I would have searched every house in London if needed.’
‘That is not what I mean,’ she said, in that same, low tone.‘You knew about William’s other son.He looks just like him.Justlike him.And not only the other boy, the otherher.She didn’t come after me.She came before.And you knew.’
Her fingers walked over her dress, gathering little folds of fabric into her palms.She didn’t change her posture, but everything about her seemed to tighten.Her breaths shortened, and she blinked faster than the second on a watch could tick.
‘I did,’ he confessed, his voice cracking.
‘All those years as I tried to win him over.To be good enough.And no one told me how ridiculous I was.That it was pointless.How long did you know?’
He hung his head.‘I was there when they met.She was from the neighbouring village.I arranged her cottage and payments for the boy.He was worried it might ruin his career if he married her.He was worried what people would think.’
‘In his will he thanked you for your loyalty.He left you something.That’s why you were there, to witness my humiliation.’She raised her head slowly.‘What did he leave you?’
Tillman swallowed a hard knot.‘A thousand pounds.’
‘A thousand pounds.’She rolled the words around her mouth.‘A sensible man could build a new life with money like that.Could buy land or a business to last him the rest of his days.He wouldn’t have to answer to anyone.You stayed because I am an amusement to you.’
‘Never,’ he objected, his voice rising with fear.
She pushed off the seat and stopped in the cab door.When he offered his hand again, she slapped it away, almost stumbling as she fought with her skirts to clear the cab.But she recovered and launched herself up the stairs and through the wide-open front door and into the foyer.‘You stayed because I am a monumental laughing stock, and you wanted to continue to entertain yourself at my expense.’
‘That is not why I stayed.’He tried to keep his tone as low as hers as he followed, stiff and controlled, but he wasn’t made like them, and instead, his words barked out, harsh and full of rising fire.A few of the staff drifted into the edges of the hallway, peering around doors, but damn it, let them gossip.He didn’t care anymore.
‘Then why did you stay?’She spun, her black skirts fanning and fluttering with the abrupt turn.‘You didn’t need the money.Why did you stay?’
‘I needed to look after you.I felt—I felt guilty.’
‘Why would you feel guilt?About what?About covering up the lies, about pretending to be my confidant when, really, you were a part of it all?’
‘Not for that.That was my job, to do what he asked.It was not my place to speak against it.’Anger fuelled his tone, his voice rising.His own suppressed feeling unleashed, years of quiet conversations about fields and markets, about intake and new advancements… All of it for her.Wanting but never ever having, never even wishing.Not only because she was a duke’s daughter, and a duke’s widow, but because, while she sat opposite him and followed his words, she always wore black.
‘Then what?’she snapped.
‘I stayed because I killed him!’
She shook her head.‘You were there, in the stables with me when they came with the news.He was three miles away when they found him.You couldn’t have.’
‘Not like that.Not with my hands.’He looked down at them, blinking away the shame at what he hadn’t done.‘I saddled his horse.I helped him into his seat.I passed him his reins, even though the clouds hung thick.I knew a storm was coming.Yet, I said nothing.’
‘Don’t give yourself airs, Mr Masters.’Stiff and frosty, there was no compassion in her tone.‘William was stubborn.If he had it in mind to set out, he would have gone no matter what you said.’
‘But I didn’t even try.I didn’t try because I didn’t want him there.You were so much happier whenever he was gone.And when you were happy… I was happy.The entire house was.You want to know why I stay?’He took a step towards her, his voice heavy and pleading.‘Dear heavens, Your Grace, isn’t it obvious?’
‘Stop it,’ she whispered, and backed away towards the hall.‘You can’t.You don’t.’
‘I do.I always have.When the messenger came, I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t sad either.I’ve tried to shake how I feel, to remember the boy who was my friend, but I can’t, because all I see is you.How you shrank when he was there.How he never tried.And every day, I hope you will take your freedom anddosomething with it.Run in the rain, plant a garden, start a charity he would have hated, anything.But you don’t.You do nothing but roam around that house finding new ways to entertain a ghost.I couldn’t tell you before, because it wasn’t my place, and I didn’t tell you after, because you were not strong enough to know.You don’t want to know, because even now, after almost ten years, you still wear bloody black for him!’
‘How dare you presume to understand,’ she shot back, her tone low and cold as cracked ice.‘I wear black forme.I wear black because in this, I know who I am.I wear black because if I began to wear colours, if I announced myself no longer in mourning, I would have every viscount, every earl, every damn honorary title with a rundown estate and their fathers’ debts chasing after me.Because I am young enough to wed again, and it’s proven that I can make an heir, and everyone knows I am a fool who will not complain about a mistress becauseeveryoneknew but me.This dress is my shield.It protects me because no one else does.You are dismissed.’She turned down the hall.
