“It was also what?” she asks.
I rip some of the fringe off the pillow by accident and close my eyes. “The last time my dad… the last time he… h-he violated me was two weeks ago.”
Jo blinks at me a few times, then takes a slow breath before writing something down. “Your father raped you two weeks ago?”
I flinch at the word but manage to keep a steady voice. “Yes.”
“From what you explained, you removed yourself from him entirely. You left his home and started your own life,” she says softly.
“Well, things didn’t stay that way. He kept trying to get me to come back to him. He’d call, I’d block a number, but then he’d get a new one and the calls would be worse. I… I had to choose the path of least resistance. He couldn’t put his hands on me, but he was there and then… the guys, they… they didn’t understand, they believed my dad too and brought him back and…”
I’m starting to hyperventilate. Jo asks me to push through, reminds me I’m in a safe place where no one can hurt me, but my mind kind of drifts. I know my mouth is working. I know I’mtelling her how Jax, Knox, and Dimitri brought my dad back into my life. How they realized that things weren’t what my dad said, that Ididn’t enjoy it, and then my dad kidnapped me. All of that is happening, but it’s like I’m not in my body.
I’m just staring at the bird perched on the bush outside the window. I’m not the person that this happened to. I’m just a person listening.
“So the three men that brought you here are the cause of all this,” Jo says, pulling me right back into my body.
I blink a few times and shake my head. “No.”
“From what you just said, you’d escaped and they’re the reason your father came back and took you. They reignited a lot of the trauma, especially with their levels of aggression, their need for control, and how forceful they are,” she explains.
I shake my head again. “No, no. They… they just didn’t understand. They idolized him. Knox especially. My dad hurt me a lot and in a lot of ways, but he… he helped people too and…”
“And what?”
“I learned not to say things or argue with what he said. It made it worse. So- so they only had my dad to believe.”
“It sounds like you’re blaming yourself right now, Hope. What happened wasn’t your fault. If you didn’t say yes, you didn’t agree,” she reminds. “And it seems like these guys are continuing to take control of you.”
“They… only in ways I need,” I defend them. “I-I know what it sounds like.”
“You need to be the one that takes control. If you keep letting other people give you orders, if you keep minimizing yourself, how can you recover?” she asks.
I sit with that for a second, but I keep ignoring her. Knox, Jaxon, and Dimitri aren’t taking control. They’re basically catering to me. They’re taking care of me because I can’t. I justdon’t have it in me. That’s totally different from what my dad did.
Maybe it sounds the same to her, but it feels different. Which means itisdifferent.
They’re not using me. They’re helping me.
“Okay, let’s table this conversation for another session. Why don’t we talk about this most recent experience between you and your dad?” Jo asks.
I shake my head again.
“Therapy isn’t easy. If I draw things out and we beat around the bush, you won’t get better. We need to start to work through these experiences in a safe place where you can choose to stop remembering. You canchooseto make itstop,” she emphasizes.
My wrists are heavy, my brain feels off, my vision is fuzzy. He’s gripping my dress, dragging it up. His voice is so loud, so angry. I know what he’s going to do. I see the camera. It’s not just him. It’s not just him. It’s not just…
“Hope?”
I hope they’ll come. They said they wouldn’t let go. They’re smart. Knox, Jax, and Dimitri won’t let him have me. They know he’s bad. They just have to get here… sooner. Please, soon. Their hands feel so much better than his. Knox felt so good inside me, touching me, panting in my ear. It’s just Knox. Dimitri’s holding my wrists. Jaxon’s watching. It’s just them. Only them…
“Hope, come back. Stay in the moment with me.”
“I don’t… I know he chained me to the table. He… he bent me over it. There was a camera. I said no. I yelled it. I’d already fought him before but then…” I bite my tongue for a second. “It’s going to sound crazy.”
“Crazy is subjective,” Jo answers, leaning forward.
I’m so hungry, so tired, so weak. My body is supposed to be mine, but he keeps grabbing me and I can’t break the chain.I have to get free. I can’t let him. I can’t. I feel him between my thighs and—it’s Knox. It’s just Knox. Knox is rough, but he cares. He and Dimitri and Jax are good.
