Since Malakai had thrown out the accusation, it had echoed in my head. Words whispered behind my back in his absence.Foolish.Desperate. Words that stuck with me. Maybe he was right.
“Malakai was gone for a long time, Ophelia. Throughout that entire absence, you remained hopeful when none of us could bear to. When we all found it easier to move on rather than dying under hope’s fine blade, you allowed that knife to slice your heart to piecesevery single day.” I didn’t know how he understood the feeling so perfectly, but Tol fanned that ember within me until it sparked. “Malakai never saw that side of you or the person you grew into while he was gone.”
“I’m not always proud of that person.” I shivered as the darkness I’d fallen into threatened to wrap around my shoulders, but Tol’s arm did instead.
“You should be proud of what she endured and who she became.” He spoke of growth simply, like it was a subject of one of the poems he was always scribbling. “Without you holding on, I think we all would have been crushed by denial. So, no, I don’t think remaining hopeful makes you foolish. I think your tendency to hold faith is one of your greatest strengths and just one of the reasons that I believe you’re an excellent Revered.”
“Thank you, Vincienzo,” I whispered, afraid my voice might crack with the tears lining my eyes if I spoke any louder. Tolek wiped them away and scooted closer.
“I admire a lot of things about you, Alabath, and that ability to hope isn’t even my favorite one.”
“You’ll have to tell me the rest of them one day.”
“That I will.” He smiled, and I couldn’t help but return it, promising myself that I’d nurture an unfoolish hope with my every decision. It would be my lighthouse calling me home amid a stormy sea.
Sighing into Tol’s embrace, I found the courage to voice what else was bothering me. “I don’t like seeing him like this.” How hard Malakai’s eyes had turned, how distant. “He’s slipping away, and Idon’t know how to reach him. It hurts me to see him hurt and know that I’m causing part of it.” But I didn’t know how to stop. I was reluctant to fight him, but sometimes I couldn’t bite my tongue.
Tol removed his arm from my shoulders and braced his elbows on his knees, twisting a piece of grass between his fingers.
“I don’t like it either, but it isn’t your doing, so please don’t blame yourself. I don’t think he’s at fault either, but promise me you won’t punish yourself, Ophelia.”
His earnest eyes burrowed into me, and my lips trembled under the pressure ofeverything. The scars on my flesh and my heart, the darkness looming in my future—all of it. But I looked at Tol and allowed that stare to steady me, then threaded my fingers through his to solidify it.
“I promise. It’s not my fault.” If I hadn’t seen Malakai slipping away before my eyes, I may have believed it. But for Tol, I’d continue to remind myself. I’d continue to hope.
“Good.” Relief poured off of him.
We stayed out until the sunset coated Damenal in a wash of soft pinks and lilacs. As we raced each other back toward the palace, I allowed that spark of hope to flourish.
“I was thinking about going into the city tonight,” I called over the breeze. I hadn’t been, but the closer we got to the palace, the more I realized I wasn’t ready to have the fight that waited. “Would you like to come?”
Tolek opened his mouth to answer, then seemed to reconsider. “I shouldn’t. I’ll see you back to your suite, though.”
I wasn’t sure what about his response bothered me, but I tried to let it go, riding onto the palace grounds with the warmth of the setting sun instead.
Malakai wasn’tin our suite when I returned—thank the Spirits. The wide marble entryway was empty. The art and statues lining the walls watched me like reassuring eyes of the past, high ceilings waiting to catch any aggrieved shouts I threw to the heavens.
Before he left, I hugged Tolek a little longer than necessary, greedily absorbing the steady presence he provided. As we said goodbye, myfather came around the corner, striding right into the foyer with a large leather file in hand.
“Tolek.” He smiled, extending a hand. “How are you?”
“I’m well, thank you, sir.” He gestured to me. “Just making sure your daughter returned home okay from our ride.”
“Speaking of my daughter.” He faced me, excitement glimmering in his tawny eyes. “I need to have a word with her.”
“I’ll leave you to it.” Tolek nodded to me. “Alabath.”
“How was today?” my father asked once the door shut. With his hair in his usual low bun and the flush in his cheeks, I had a bit of him back that I’d missed. The warmth. Comfort.
“We’ve made negotiations.” I chose my words carefully, explaining the situation with the minor clan delegates, my trial period, and Titus’s reading. Ignoring the stabbing pain in my heart from Malakai’s words.
“Negotiating is good,” my father commented. “It will show you intend to have an amicable term as Revered with your people at the top of your mind. Though, Titus’s session does concern me.”
“It’s fine,” I lied, waving him off. He’d spent enough time worrying over me lately. “There’s an explanation, I’m sure.”
Avoiding his gaze, I crossed to the office door. Mystlight lit up the round space as we entered, highlighting the spines of my growing book collection. Since taking over this suite, I’d been slowly lining the tall shelves with my own belongings, letting myself absorb the space, fill every corner.
“What’s that?” I pointed to the file my father held as I took a seat in one of the velvet chairs before the fire. He sat opposite me. If I tried hard enough, closed my eyes and envisioned the leather, parchment, and smoke scent, I could pretend we were back in Palerman.
