But I couldn’t. Because, in reality, he hadn’t. He hadn’t sold me drugs. He hadn’t lied to me. He hadn’t hurt me in any tangible, definable way. He hadn’t done anything to me at all. And yet, somehow, it still felt like he had. The hurt was still there, heavy and real, whether there was a clear action attached to it or not. I sighed as we reached my car, scanning the empty road in both directions. I had no idea where Austin was. I had no idea how far we were from the city. I walked to the front of the car and pulled myself up onto the hood, taking a breath through my nose as I settled there.
Cherry stood beside me, unusually quiet, leaning against the car. I tore my eyes away from the road to look at her. She looked just as lost as I felt, like she was trying to navigate this situation from the outside, following rules that didn’t quite apply. She was a bystander here. One who would be left to pick up the pieces of me, depending on how this went. We didn’t speak as we waited. I just drank. My nerves had turned to steel inside my body when the first set of headlights we’d seen since pulling over cut through the darkness of the empty back road. Adrenaline surged through my alcohol-diluted blood, forcing my heartbeat to quicken.
“Just breathe,” Cherry said quietly from beside me. Even though the headlights blinded me, I knew it was Austin’s car by the way he pulled over, careless and abrupt, half the vehicle still jutting into the road before it finally came to a stop. I wanted to look away. I couldn’t.
My eyes strained against the harsh yellow light flooding toward us, and I raised one hand to shield my face. I braced myselfas both doors flew open. Austin and Levi stepped out almost in sync, their tall figures cutting sharply against the glare as they moved toward us. This time, I was the one bracing for impact as they walked toward us. I took a breath, then realized the can of beer was still in my hand. I lifted it to my lips and downed the rest, knowing I would need its presence in my body to get through this.
“Blair?” Austin let the word into the air. I tried not to analyze his voice, but I couldn’t help it. It was a distant, tangled mix of emotions. Panic, but also relief. Curiosity, but not the good kind. A painful, disappointed curiosity. And layered over all of it was something unmistakable. Frustration. Sharp and palpable.
“What the hell are you guys doing?” he asked again, like he expected an answer from me. I hadn’t known what to expect from him, but it wasn’t the anger radiating off his body. He stepped out of the glare of the headlights, and I could finally see his face. He was looking at me like I was a stranger. Worse than that, like I was a stranger he was angry at. Our eyes locked for only a second before I turned my head away, choosing Cherry instead. My chest tightened, the weight of the situation pressing down until it felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Levi moved toward Cherry. He wasn’t angry the way Austin was. His voice was careful. “Are you guys okay?”
“Yeah,” Cherry answered with a small smile. “We’re fine.”
“We were worried,” Levi started, but Austin cut him off.
“What the hell are you two thinking?” Austin’s voice echoed into the night. I could feel his stare on me, waiting, demanding something back. Maybe he expected my anger too. I wouldn’t give it to him.
“You’re alone, drinking, in the middle of fucking nowhere, with your phones off?” he continued. “Are you serious? Wearing those fucking uniforms?” He paused, clearly forcing himself to take a breath.
I saw surprise flash across Cherry’s face. “Calm down. We’re fine.”
“Calm down,” Austin repeated, disbelief thick in his voice. I could picture him dragging his hands over his face, but I still didn’t look at him. “Calm down,” he said again. “I get a fucking call from Holden in the middle of the night saying he can’t find you, can’t get a hold of you, has no idea where you are because he’s been calling you for hours, and you want me to calm down.” The sound of Holden’s name snapped my head up.
“What?” A dark chuckle slipped out before I could stop it. “Because you and Holden are such great drug buddies that he just called you up?” Silence fell hard between the four of us. Cherry and Levi were frozen, stunned into wordlessness. Austin looked hurt. Good.
“Blair,” he started slowly, but I didn’t let him finish.
“I mean, that’s fucking ridiculous, isn’t it?” I turned to Cherry, as if she might back me up. “Holden can disappear for days, taking whatever he can find, leaving me to wonder if he overdosed in some fucking trap house again, but I don’t answer my phone for three hours and he calls you. Of all people.” My words were free-falling from my mouth, encouraged by the alcohol casting its spell over my body and my brain. I knew they were hurtful. I knew exactly what they were doing. I didn’t care.
“That’s fucking ridiculous,” I continued, shaking my head. “I don’t need Holden’s help, and I especially don’t need your help,because neither of you can even help yourselves. So what makes you think you can help me?”
Austin stared at me like each word only confused him further, like he couldn’t understand how we had gotten here so quickly. He took a deep breath, then another, before finally tearing his eyes away from me and looking at Cherry instead.
“You said she was drinking,” he muttered, his voice low. “You didn’t say she was drunk.”
“It’s none of your business whether I’m drunk or not,” I snapped, refusing to be spoken about like I wasn’t standing right there. Austin let out another slow breath. I could see the muscles in his jaw tighten, like he was biting back a dozen things he wanted to say. When he finally spoke again, it wasn’t to me.
“Cherry,” he said, ignoring me completely. “Levi is going to drive you home in my car.” Cherry’s eyes widened at the exact same moment mine did. She looked at me instinctively, because we both knew what that meant.
“Fuck no,” I said immediately. “No. I’m not going in the car with you.”
Austin still didn’t look at me. “Yes, you are.”
“Maybe Levi can take her,” Cherry jumped in, coming to my defense. “I’ll go with you.”
“No,” Austin replied without hesitation. “I told Holden, and I told her dad, that I would bring her home. So that’s what I’m going to do.”
“No,” I protested again, my voice sharper now, more desperate.
“Yes,” he said simply, almost casually. Then, without another word, he walked past me, opened my car door, and sat down behind the wheel.
17:A
I held my breath as I watched Blair from inside her car. And then I realized I didn’t have the right to call her Yellow anymore. Not out loud. Not even in my own head. I didn’t have the right. The realization hit me hard enough that I mentally flinched. She had been yellow to me from the first moment I saw her. Bright. Warm. Impossible to miss. This was the first time she wasn’t anything close. Had I done this? Had I erased her color?
Blair looked like she was in a fairly deep state of panic, the way her eyes kept darting between the car and Cherry, wide and frantic. They were speaking without words, communicating in that way only people who truly know each other can. It didn’t take much effort to understand what was being said. Blair was sayinghelp me. Cherry was sayingI can’t. Eventually, Levi began to guide Cherry away, his arm settling around her waist as he did. I zeroed in on that arm instantly, a sharp, cutting envy slicing through my stomach. It wasn’t dull or passive. It hurt. Levi still had Cherry. I didn’t have Blair. Not anymore.
