It waswhere was the control?
Nowhere.
16
“Blair!”
I heard Cherry’s voice at the exact moment I set the plate of hot food in front of my customer. I didn’t bother smiling at him as I turned away. I already knew what was coming. I had tried to avoid it. I’d turned my phone off for the last two days, barely even glanced at it as it lay useless on my nightstand. The silence had been nice, actually. Digital silence. Rare, these days.
I pivoted on my heel, ignoring the curious looks from the customers scattered throughout The Pitt. Cherry had called my name loudly. Loudly enough that she clearly didn’t care that we were both working. I didn’t need to look back to know she was following me. I kept walking. I didn’t want this conversation with twenty pairs of eyes on me. One pair was enough, especially when those eyes belonged to Cherry.
“I’m taking my fifteen,” I muttered to Greg as I passed him. He leaned against the bar,supervising. Yeah, right. He probably hadn’t focused on anything other than the wait staff’s legs for the last ten minutes. I pushed through the heavy wooden door, letting out a breath of relief when I saw the back room was empty. Good. Fewer people meant fewer questions.
“Blair!” Cherry’s voice rang out again, now directly behind me. “Blair, what the hell? Didn’t you hear me calling you?”
“What?” I lied, lifting my eyebrows as I turned toward her, the movement practiced enough to look convincing. “Oh. Hey. I didn’t hear you.” I watched her closely, trying to tell if she believed me. She wasn’t used to me lying to her. Not anymore.
“Blair,” Cherry said slowly, shaking her head. The confusion on her face was as clear and fragile as a crystal vase owned by a rich old lady.
“Hi,” I told her, forcing a small smile onto my lips. I walked to my locker and detached the unlocked lock. Cherry didn’t say anything. Her silence was loud.
I could picture her expression without looking at her as I kept my hands busy, opening the small pocket inside my jacket. I pulled out the tiny bag of pills I’d packed. I took them into my palm one by one, knowing exactly what each was just by touch. I unscrewed my water bottle and started swallowing them, one at a time.
“What are you doing?” Cherry asked, her footsteps suddenly sharp as she rushed toward me.
“I’m taking my vitamins,” I said, telling the truth as I tipped each pill into my mouth and glanced back at her. Multivitamin. Water. Fiber. Water. B12. Water. Zinc. Water. Iron. Water. Cherry just watched me. She didn’t say anything. She looked like she was watching something she didn’t understand. Something that confused her deeply. I didn’t explain. We just stared at each other.
“Blair, what the hell is going on?” she finally blurted, her eyebrows pulling together so tightly they nearly formed a single line.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, carefully keeping the fact that I absolutely knew what she meant out of my voice.
“Uh…” Cherry looked almost speechless, which was impressive. “Where do you want to start? Why haven’t you been answering my texts? My calls? My literally anything?”
“Oh,” I said quickly. “Yeah. I’ve just been doing a digital detox. I think the blue light was giving me migraines.”
“Blair,” Cherry said my name the way someone says liar without using the word.
“What?” I shrugged. “Ask Holden if you don’t believe—”
“I know what happened,” Cherry cut in, tilting her head as she spoke. “Levi told me.” I stilled, studying her face like it might reveal everything they’d talked about when I wasn’t there. “I know you and Austin got into a fight at that party. I know you broke up with him,” Cherry said firmly, and I almost sighed in relief. She didn’t know anything at all.
“Yeah, so?” I said lightly. I turned back toward my locker, reaching to put my water bottle away, but Cherry grabbed my arm and pulled me back to face her.
“What the hell happened?” she demanded. “Why are you acting like this? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” Her eyes skimmed over me, searching for proof.
“What? No,” I said quickly. “Everything’s fine, Cherry. I just… I don’t know.”
I tried to think on my feet. I tried to find a reason for walking away from Austin that made sense. One that sounded normal. One that didn’t involve learning, all in one night, that he sold the very thing I despised—and that he had admitted to playing a role in not one, but two deaths. I couldn’t tell Cherry that my grip on reality had been shaken loose. I couldn’t tell her because how could I? She wouldn’t understand. I barely understood myself.
I couldn’t tell her that Austin had dismantled my entire understanding of life in a matter of minutes. I couldn’t tell her that I’d spent the last two days searching for reasons. Not even knowing what reasons I was looking for, or what they were supposed to justify. What’s the reason for bad things? What’s the reason for good things? What’s the reason for life? Fordeath? For pain? For trauma? For love. For loss. What was the reason? And I definitely couldn’t tell her that all alone in my tiny bedroom, with Austin’s voice looping endlessly in my head, I had finally realized there wasn’t a reason for anything at all.
“Cherry,” I said, shaking the thoughts from my head. “I’m sorry for not telling you. Austin and I… we just aren’t compatible.”
“That’s bullshit,” Cherry replied, but her voice had softened. I was taken aback for just a second before the words settled. And again, we simply stared at each other.
“I know,” I said finally, accepting that she could see through the lie. She didn’t know this was the only one I’d let her see through.
“We don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready,” Cherry said gently, her hand coming to my arm, her thumb stroking the skin there. “Levi told me it was messy. He said Austin is a wreck. He said he could barely calm him down the next morning. Apparently Austin—”
