I’m happy for both Jenna and Lainey and the love they have with their husbands, but I feel a twinge of jealousy in the center of my chest that not everyone finds love like that. People often find someone they care about, or someone they are compatible with, so they date. Maybe eventually get married. Some marriages make it, many don’t. But with them, their love wasn’t so much as convenience or compatibility as they are two souls literally fucking made for each other. It’s not something you see every day.
“But in all seriousness,” Ryan continues, “life has a weird way of guiding us to where we are meant to be, no matter how badly we may try to fight it.” He pauses for a minute, his heavy exhale audible over the now silent reception. “This woman loves with such conviction, with so much of her heart, it still surprises me that I get to wake up every day and call her mine.” The crowd hangs on the edge of every word that comes out of Ryan’s mouth. He looks down at Lainey, keeping his gaze locked on her as he continues, “I promise you, Lainey, you forever have my love, my loyalty, my unwavering respect. I promise to always be there for you, to hold your hand, to make you smile…or build you up when you feel like you’ve fallen…” His voice cracks with the last few words, and the silence is deafening.
The wind kicks up, flipping over a few empty cups, sending them scattering away from the reception, but no one moves tochase them. Somewhere in the distance a car alarm sounds, but everyone is too entranced to move. Ryan brings his hand up and buries his fingers in his eyes, pressing hard enough I feel the sting behind my own. Lainey moves in front of him and pulls his hand down, forcing him to look at her. He gives an awkward smile and kisses her before raising the microphone to his lips.
“Well, Jesus, that didn’t go as planned.” He laughs, and the crowd joins him. To my surprise, I feel a dampness on my cheeks as I reach a hand up to brush a few lonely tears away. I scan the crowd, seeing similar reactions on the faces around me.
Jenna stopped dancing for the first time all night, taking a moment to rest by sitting on Emmett’s knee. He's looking up at her when most of the crowd is watching the bride and groom, that same starry-eyed look in his eye that he normally has when she’s around.
I stop when I see Jim. He’s leaning against the bar, nursing his last drink; his eyes are on Ryan and Lainey for a beat before they flicker to me. He holds them there, unwilling to look away, and the words Ryan said repeat themselves in the back of my mind.
Ryan clears his throat. “Anyways, we just wanted to thank everyone for coming and celebrating our day with us. We appreciate all of the love and support. Goodnight.” He sets the microphone down and grabs Lainey’s hand, planting a kiss to her palm as they leave the stage. They walk the sandy path back to the hotel, heading directly to their room upstairs.
The band comes back on stage to start tearing down the set and putting away their instruments. Guests slowly gather their discarded shoes, handbags, suit coats, and clear the area. As the night appears to come to an end, I feel a little sunken sadness in my chest signaling the start of a happiness hangover.
With the last six months being spent pouring over every wedding detail while sipping glasses of wine, planning a joint bachelor/bachelorette party—because those assholes insisted onbeing together—and finally coming to a finale with the best garden ceremony and beach reception ever, the knowledge that tomorrow starts regular life again, leaves me lonely.
I fish my heels out from the grass and bunch up the hem of my dress as I make my way towards the beach, burying my toes in the cool sand with each step. My eyes adjust to the dark sky as I leave the lights of the reception behind me and move towards the lake.
I toss my shoes down, twisting the hem of my dress around my knees before sitting in the sand.
Moments like this, I wonder where my life would be right now if everything hadn’t drastically changed. Would I have met someone, or gotten married? If so, would I have been happy? I don't see myself as someone who's lucky enough to find a soulmate-type love. I’d likely have been one to marry for compatibility. Find a partner that doesn't completely piss me off, that understands where my priorities lie, and carry their half of the responsibility appropriately. For the most part, I think the convenience of a respectable partner would have been enough for me, but I can’t help that nagging voice in the back of mind questioning if I could ever have the version of love that my friends have. Hell, most days I wonder if I’m even deserving of that type of love.
The breeze picks up, causing my sweat to cool, and a shiver rolls down my spine. I shudder a little as I hear a rustle behind me before a suit jacket is draped over my shoulders.
“It’s a beautiful night,” Jim says, coming to stand next to me.
“It really is. I can’t believe it’s over.” I pull the lapels of his coat closer to me, welcoming its warmth. “Did Ryan’s speech surprise you?” My eyes squint into the darkness, trying to find the horizontal slit where the black sky ends and the water begins.
Jim’s quiet for a moment, following my gaze on the inky, small waves lapping the shore in front of us. “I’m surprised hesaid that in front of everyone, I guess, but not surprised that’s how he feels. It was different with her from the start. And he’s absolutely crazy about her, so not really, the words themselves didn’t surprise me.”
I tilt my head up to him, taking in his side profile as he gazes out at the water.
“The way I see it, they could have been married months ago. When you know someone’s the one, you just know. Why continue to waste time figuring out logistics of who takes out the garbage or who claims what side of the bed? That’ll come with time.”
I recoil a bit at this romantic side of him. “You actually believe that?” If I ever was to let myself get into a committed, monogamous relationship, I couldn’t imagine marrying someone I haven’t known for years. Ryan and Lainey have been together about two years, and if I were to be brutally honest with myself, it makes me nervous as hell to see them get married after such a short time together.
Jim opens his mouth to answer, but we’re interrupted by a voice calling from the parking lot. “You guys going out?”
Looking over my shoulder, I see some of the bridal party, including Lainey’s little sister, Emma, and her new boyfriend among some other guests. “We’re heading to the bars, you coming?” the same voice asks.
Jim turns to me, his tone lower. “Are you going out? Or do you want to stay low key and have a drink at the hotel bar?”
I shake my head no. “I don’t think so. I should probably quit while I’m ahead.”
Jim turns his attention back towards the group. “Naw, we’re good. Have fun!”
I jerk my head back up. “You’re not going out?”
“I should probably call it a night, too. Hangovers hit a bit harder when you’re not in your twenties anymore…or thirties for that matter.”
I put a hand up to my ear to fake listening. “Do you hear that? Those are the screams of a few hundred thousand women crying, knowing that they won’t get their chance to see sexy Jim Charlebois in a suit tonight.”
Jim turns to me, his normally crystal eyes now black and mysterious in the darkness of the night. “You think you’re making fun of me, but all I heard was that you think I’m sexy.”
I reach a hand up, and he clasps it, pulling me to stand. I brush the sand off of my butt as Jim bends over to grab my heels. “Eh, what can I say? I’ve had a lot to drink tonight.”
He laughs, turning to place a hand on my lower back as he guides me across the sand and back to the hotel. “Coming from you, I still consider that a compliment.”
