“It’s been a long time since I’ve groveled,” Mr.Somerset says with a little laugh.“I got pretty good at it there for a while.Lots of practice with Emery.But I must be rusty.”And now he faces me again.“I’m sorry, Sam.For so many things.God, that fuck-up at the Greek Life thing, for what I said.”He pushes a hand through his messy hair and makes an unhappy sound.“For being such a shitty mentor.”
“You’ve been a good mentor,” I say.“You’ve helped me a lot.”
“Have I?”He pauses like he’s actually considering the question.“I don’t know that I have.It doesn’t feel like I have.”
“You have.I wouldn’t say that if you hadn’t.”I take another drink of beer, and I say, “You turned my life around when—when things were going real bad.I was a piece of shit—”
“You were a kid,” Mr.Somerset says gently.
“—and you straightened me out.I needed that, and there wasn’t anybody else to do it.I’ll always be grateful for that.”
He nods.But then he says, “I was out of line at the Greek Life outreach.”
I shrug.“You didn’t know.It caught you off guard.I get it.”I swirl the beer a little, and then I say, “I’m bi.”
He nods again.“Thank you for telling me.”
“And Gray didn’t pressure me or force me or trick me.And I didn’t do it because I wanted him to like me.”
“I know.”
“That’s who I am.”
“I know,” he says again.He has this crooked smile.“Sam, Iknow.I mean, God, of all people in this town, I ought to know.Which is why I’m so mad at myself for fucking it up so badly.”
“It’s okay,” I say.
“It’s not, though.It doesn’t feel like it is.You trusted me with—with a lot.And I didn’t live up to that.”He lets out this jagged breath, and his head hangs back, and he says, “I’m doing that a lot, lately, it turns out.”
He sounds so miserable that I finally say, “It’s not like I told you.You’re not a mind reader.”
“It’s not like I asked.”
“And Iwasa follower.For a long time.I did all sorts of bad things so that people would like me.Not that being bi is bad.”
“But you haven’t been that person in a long time,” he says.“And I should have known that.Ididknow that.I should have remembered it.You’re such a good person.You work so hard at everything you set your mind to.But the minute I saw you with him, it was like—” He shakes his head.“I don’t even know how to explain it except I was afraid.I wasterrified.I saw you with him, and I knew—Iknew—you were together, and the only thing I could think was ‘They’re going to do it to him.’”
He didn’t say whatitwas, but he didn’t have to.I knew what people had done to Mr.Somerset.
“I was so mad at Gray,” he says.“And I was mad at you too.There was this—this feeling like you’d tricked me.And I know that’s not what happened.Your life is your life, Sam.You have a right to share however much or little as you want with the rest of the world.And it’s certainly not like I made it easy for you.And I guess that’s the part I’m the most ashamed of.That I was really afraid for myself.Like it was going to come back on me.The fag ex-cop fucking up his mentee.God, I feel crazy saying it out loud.”
I don’t want any more of the beer, so I set it down.There’s a breeze, and it feels nice moving through my hair.And finally I say, “You were scared.”
“Yeah, well.”He clears his throat.“It seems like I’m scared all the time nowadays.”
I don’t even know why I do it, except it seems right.So I hug him.And I’m not expecting it when his face is wet, and he laughs into my shoulder.But a nice laugh.Like he got a good surprise.
When he pulls back, he says, “Iamsorry, Sam.”
“It’s okay,” I say.“We’re good.You don’t need to keep saying that.”
He waits a beat, and then with that crooked smile, he says, “I really want that beer right now.”
It might have been weird another time, but it makes me laugh, and his smile grows.
“Okay, I know it’s none of my business, but—Gray?Seriously?”
This time, my laugh is bigger—mostly because of how he makes it sound so impossible.“He’s different when you get to know him,” I say, and I realize I’m still smiling.“He’s sweet.”
