And when I close my eyes, everything, everywhere, snaps out.
16
Sam
I don’t even mean to fall asleep.I tell myself to stay awake because it’s not a sleepover.Guys like Gray are probably used to getting off, hanging around long enough to pull their clothes back on, and then heading out the door.Not in a bad way, but this is all normal for him.That’s what hooking up is about: keeping it casual.
But lying in bed with him, listening to him breathe, it’s hard tofeellike it was casual.He said he liked me.And I said—well, I said way too much.And he was so much sweeter about everything than I expected.But as soon as I think that, it feels unfair, because yes, Gray likes to run his mouth, and yes, Gray likes to tease.But ever since we became, well, friends, Gray has been nothing but sweet to me.So, there’s this part of me that keeps waiting for him to wake up, grab his shorts, and head for the door.But there’s also this part of me that keeps thinking about how he asked,Is this okay?Asked it over and over again, to make sure.Told me it wasn’t weird to be my age and still a virgin.Said it was hot.It couldn’t have been that hot since I’d shot in my shorts from him touching me, but it was sweet of him to say it.And there’s this little voice that says, Plus he got off pretty fast, didn’t he, so I guess I did something right.
I don’t even know how I end up with one arm around him.He’s knocked out, snoring a little.And I think I better wake him up and offer to drive him back to his car and act casual and normal like shoving my dick down his throat is something we do when we see each other.Because that’s how it’s supposed to be, I guess.
And somewhere in there, I fall asleep.
I wake up once, in the middle of the night, long enough to turn off the lamp, and when I get back to bed, Gray rolls toward me.I put my arm around him again, and he settles right back down.So, I guess he likes that.
Am I going to freak out?
It doesn’t feel like it.Gray said lots of guys freak out after they get off, and he must know what he’s talking about.But I don’t feel like freaking out.Maybe I should.But freaking out would mean the whole thing ought to be a big deal, and it doesn’t feel like that either.I lie there, Gray under my arm, and I guess it should be a big deal for me.I mean, I’ve never done this before.Never done anything like it.And he’s a guy.
But it’s like—
It’s like how Mr.Somerset is always asking me,What do you think, Sam?AndWhat’s your opinion?AndHow do you feel about that?Because I’m supposed to think for myself, even if Mr.Hazard usually knows the right answer, and all I have to do is ask him and he’ll tell me and explain why, and I don’t know why that’s any different from using Google.
That’s how this feels.Like this is…me.Like I’m more me, somehow.Happier.More relaxed.Something fits, and I don’t know why it took me so long.Or maybe I do, because I spent a lot of my life being a horse’s ass.I smile, and I have to fight the urge to press my face into Gray’s shoulder.Tripping over my own dick.I guess now I’ll be tripping over other people’s dicks.Mr.Somerset is always asking me you, you, you.And I lie here, running my fingers over Gray’s stomach, and I think, me, me, me.
Only a little light from the street filters into the room, but as my eyes adjust, I can make out more details.Gray’s neatly trimmed hair.His neck.The knobs of his spine.It’s too dark to make out the freckles, but his skin is almost glowing.My arm looks dark draped over him, and in part that’s a tan from running and being out on patrol, and in part it’s because of our complexions.I want to touch his arms again, and I think of that goofy smile when he flexed for me.He’s hot, I think.He’s so sexy.And I’ve never thought that before, but it’s like I’m moving through a house, opening doors, and I’ve always lived here, but it’s new, too, so every time I open another door, it’s like I’ve been there before.All the times I’ve looked at guys and not quite thought what I was thinking.All the dreams.I’m glad it’s dark because I’m blushing because, well, Mr.Somerset.I figure the best thing to do would be spend a weekend naked with Gray and memorize every part of him.Let myself look and touch and do all the things I’ve never done before.We could go away for a weekend.We’d never even have to leave the hotel.
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know, the sound of the front door opening reaches us, and Gran’s singing, “To Dream the Impossible Dream” in a falsetto as she comes into the house.Before I even open my eyes, I can tell there’s daylight in the room, which means it’s morning.
Oh shit.
I scramble upright.Gray rocks on the mattress next to me.He’s still snoring.Somehow, I manage to get over him.On my way across the room, I stumble because my legs haven’t gotten the message that we’re awake and we’ve got shit to do.The door is already closed, but I press the little thumb lock.It only makes a tiny sound, and Gran is still singing like she’s the Man from La Mancha, but I’m waiting for her to cut off and call, “Sammy?”
But she doesn’t.Because Gran is in love.Again.
When I turn around, Gray’s propped on one elbow, blinking sleep-dark eyes.He says, “Your grandma’s home.”
I nod.
He rubs his face.Yawns.Stretches.I’ve never noticed how broad his chest is before, and then I think, Samuel Yarmark, knock it off, because now is not the time.
“What time is it?”Gray asks, twisting to look at the clock.“Fuck me.I can’t believe I—I’m sorry.I didn’t mean to crash here.”
“It’s okay,” I say.I’m trying not to whisper, but I can’t help talking quietly.
Gray’s reaching for his shirt.He glances up at me.And then he says, “Shit.”
“What?”
In a different tone, he says, “Your grandma’s home.”
I nod, but mostly, I’m listening.She’s moved back to her bedroom now.
“Got it,” Gray says.He gets to his feet, gives a little shake of his head, and starts pulling on his clothes.“Hey, are you, uh, okay?”
She likes to take a shower before she goes to bed, especially after she’s been out all night, and I’m waiting for the water to start, so I don’t really hear him.“Huh?”
“Are we good?”Gray’s dragging on his socks now.“I mean, we don’t have to talk about last night, but if there’s a problem—”
