He breathes out in a way that suggests he thinks I’m full of shit.
“Everybody’s got to have a first time.”I hear how that sounds and say, “Not that I’m suggesting it has to be right now.”
Finally, miserably, he says, “I’m twenty-four.”
“I know this isn’t going to help, but I’m going to say it anyway: believe it or not, that’s actually a kink for some guys.”
He screws his eyes shut.
I laugh again, in spite of myself.“Look, you’re the only one making it a big deal.Like I said earlier: why don’t we relax?Nothing has to happen tonight.We can have another beer, watch a movie—that VHS ofCHiPslooks like it’s seen some use—and enjoy being around each other.I meant what I said earlier: I like spending time with you.You’re my friend.”
His eyes open slowly, and there’s something lazy about how he blinks them now, considering me, intent.“You said youlikeme.”
Okay, I think.That was what I said.Not that bullshit about spending time together.But, in my defense, I was wigging the fuck out, and I hadn’t meant to say it out loud.
“And I like you,” he says, and because he’s Sammy, I can hear him doing the math.
“Right, well, there’s no rush—”
“And you said everybody has to have a first time.”
“That’s how it works in general principle, but I think the important thing I said was to take it slow, relax—”
He’s up, swinging his body across mine to straddle me, before I can even process what’s happening.And then he kisses me again.It’s not hard to tell that Sammy hasn’t done a lot of kissing.This one is more like catching a baseball with my teeth.He parts his lips.He moves his mouth against mine.
Still, though.ItisSammy.And now I’m smelling his mouth and his skin, and he’s sitting on my lap, and it’s so much more than a kiss.
When he pulls back, I say, “That’s the exact opposite of relaxing.”
He’s so serious, still considering me with that intensity that’s almost predatory.“How was that?”
“You know, the gays have made a lot of progress, but we don’t have a scale for kissing yet.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, dumbass, I know.But I’m not giving you a fucking scorecard.If you want that, hop on Prowler and knock yourself out.Plenty of guys will be willing to tell you all the ways you don’t measure up.”
His body stiffens.He looks away.
God help me, I think.And then, only slightly more clearly: How in the fuck did I get myself into this situation?Because the fact that I aminit is growing clearer and clearer.The night’s previous unreality has washed away, and now I’m faced with the fact that not only is this happening, but somehow, I’m supposed to be the adult in the room, which is so fucking unfair.
I rub his stomach through the tee.I don’t expect it, but in some ways, that feels more intimate than the kiss—like I’ve crossed another line I didn’t even know was there.“Think about it this way,” I say.“I enjoyed kissing you.Did you like kissing me?”
He’s still looking over me, past me.He’s so tense his stomach feels like iron under my fingers.But eventually he says, “Yes.Obviously.”
God, I think.MaybeIneed a switch.
“Okay,” I say.“That’s what matters.It’s not like porn.It’s different with everybody.So, part of the process is figuring out what you like, and if you’re a good partner, you try to figure out what your partner likes, how to make them feel good.”
Thatgets his attention; his eyes lock onto me again.“What makes you feel good?”
“I liked kissing you.That felt good.I’d like to try a little slower, though.See if we both like that.”
I don’t know if Sammy thought it through or if he was literally jumping my bones, but now it seems like a good thing that he’s on top, since it gives him control.He drops his head to mine more slowly this time, and this time, when he goes to kiss me, I tease him a little.I let him brush my lips, and then I pull back.I smile at him, and then I move to meet him, and then I pull back again.He’s got stubble, enough to scrape.The next time I withdraw, Sam’s smiling.A hint, barely there, but it’s good he’s relaxing.
“You’re doing that on purpose,” he murmurs, and then he catches me by the nape and pulls me in for a kiss.
He’s a good student, and I know I’m going to hell, but I can’t help thinking that Sammy just got himself another mentor.He’s slow, like I said, and he’s more careful about how our mouths meet.I kiss him back, and we stay like that for a while.When I run my tongue against his lips, he hesitates.And then his mouth opens, and I slide inside.He’s wearing shorts, and I feel him get hard instantly.
