“What’s up?”
“Well, sir, I was wondering—I mean, I know I’m not—I mean, I understand if it’s not even an option—” Chief Peterson’s just looking at me, and that’s even worse.All the stuff I memorized goes sliding down into that same dark place in my head, and I hear myself blurt, “I want the detective job.”
Chief Peterson doesn’t say anything.
So, somehow, I say, “Detective Carmichael’s job.”My face is warming, but I still can’t keep my trap shut, and I add, “The open one.”
Chief Peterson nods.“All right.The position is posted, and we’re accepting applications.The deadline isn’t for a few weeks.”
“Yes, sir.I know, sir.”I take a deep breath, and it’s like my head opens up again.“I know that I may not have a lot of experience compared to other applicants, but I want you to know that I am committed to being the best officer that I can be, and if you give me a chance, I’ll do a great job as a detective.I’m a quick learner, Chief, and I work hard.I don’t mind long hours because I don’t have a family or nothing—”Anything,you damn hoosier, a voice in my head says.You don’t saynothing.“—and I’ve been putting in a lot of outside time to learn as much as I can.I’ve done some trainings and courses on my own initiative, and I think that shows I have the drive and ability to do an excellent job.Over the last few years, I’ve learned how to conduct interviews and build trust with suspects and informants.I also think I’ve shown my loyalty to the department.I’ve been in tactical situations that required keeping a cool head under pressure, and I did all right then, too, sir.I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but I want you to know I’ve thought about this, and I have the skills and—” I blank, but then it comes back to me.“—the disposition to be an excellent detective.”
Chief Peterson waits, I guess in case I have more to say.
I don’t.I sit back.My polo bunches under my arms, damp with sweat.More sweat runs between my shoulder blades.
“All right,” Chief Peterson says.“I’m glad you told me you’re interested in the position.”
And that’s it.
The sweat running down my back reaches the waistband of my underwear.
“Uh, Chief,” I say.“I guess I was wondering, you know, if you could give me some feedback or some guidance or…or something.”
The chief nods.But he says, “Officer Yarmark, I agree with what you said.You’re a strong candidate for a number of reasons.I remember how you were when you came into this department—”
My face heats again, because he’s too nice to saywhen you were a piece of shit.
“—and I’ve watched you grow into an excellent officer.I don’t say that lightly.I’m aware of the extra work you put in, attending development opportunities that aren’t required by the department.I’ve got something of an idea about the effort you’ve made to improve yourself, and it’s laudable.You’re a smart, driven young man, and I couldn’t ask for a better officer.”
The smile slips out before I can stop it.I put it away again.And then I hear what the chiefdidn’tsay.
“But?”I ask.
“Sam—” NotOfficer Yarmark.Sam.“—I agree with what you said.You’re an excellent candidate.Right now, though, this department is still grappling with a very poor public image.Frankly, we’ve got a lot of work to do.I know some of the fault lies elsewhere, but that doesn’t change the fact that our focus right now is on repairing relationships with the community and regaining their trust.”
He’s talking about Chief Somerset, about what they did to him.It wasn’t his fault; somebody planted some bad stuff on his computer, and they made it look like Chief Somerset was a bad guy.And I guess it’s more than that because it goes back past Chief Somerset, back when the chief before him, Riggle, hired—well, hired guys like me.And I know Chief Peterson isn’t wrong.I mean, he’s the chief.
“I don’t understand,” I say.“I’ve gotten two citizen commendations.I’m always polite, sir, even when people start running their mouths.I don’t get heavy.”At least, not since Chief Somerset told me why I shouldn’t.“I know I’m part of a community, and I try to act that way.”
“Yes, Sam.You do.On the job.”
It takes me about two seconds to say, “What?”
“Sam, what do you do when you leave work?”
“I told you: I study, I go to trainings, I exercise.I’m doing everything I can, Chief.”
Chief Peterson nods.He turns one of the framed photos toward me; it’s got him and his wife and their girls.He’s wearing shorts, and he’s got skinny legs.It’s from a while ago because the girls are small in the picture, but they’re in college now.“Sam, one of the selling points you told me about yourself was that you don’t have a family, so you can work long hours.That says a lot about you, don’t you think?”
I don’t say anything.
The chief lets out a breath.“I think you’d be a great detective, Officer Yarmark.But frankly, I also worry about you burning yourself out.You need to have a life.You need to have something outside the department that you can go home to.You’re young, and you’re passionate, and you care about doing a good job as a police officer, and all of this is commendable.But you’ve got a lot of years ahead of you, and this job isn’t easy.You see stuff.It weighs on you.”
“I know.I’ve already seen—”
“But the bigger issue is that I need a detective who’s going to be able to go out into the community and establish relationships.Be part of Wahredua, understand?I told you we’re rebuilding, and I can’t have a detective who doesn’t do anything but work and eat and sleep.You’re a person, Sam, not a machine.”
I don’t even remember wrapping my hands around the arms of the chair.“I know, Chief, but—but I can do that.I can do all of that.I can talk to people.I can learn how to talk to people.”For a moment, a memory swamps me, back when Gran was taking charm lessons online, and she’d stand in front of the mirror and practice smiling and asking questions, and then she’d bust a gut and start saying lines like she was Marlon Brando.“I’m a part of this community.”
