“And your gun,” I said.
He kept staring at me.
“That was a joke,” I said.
He drew a deep breath before he said, “Rule three—attire.I think you’re good to go.”
“Polo, check.Chinos, check.Closed-toed shoes, check.I look like a bona fide straight.”
“You look like someone who has a job.”
“Okay, in the first place, I’m a writer, so every moment of lived experience is me doing my job, and the whole world is my office.”
“How much lived experience do you have before eleven in the morning?”
“I cannot believe the treatment I’m getting.I’m going to talk to the sheriff.”
“Rule four goes along with rules one and two, so I really want to stress this one: no leaving the vehicle without permission from the supervising officer.”
“Wait, you’re my supervising officer?Does that mean I’m getting evaluated?How am I doing?”
“How do you think you’re doing?”
“Deputy Bobby!”
“Rule number five, another big one: no entering private residences.”
“Ah ha!”I even gave him a finger—not that way, just pointing at him.“How can I enter them if I’m still inside the car?”
“If anyone could find a way.”
“Unless maybe you’re inside the residence, and I’m inside the car, and you need help, so I drive straight into the living room.But I think I’d get a pass on that one because I’d be saving your life.”
“Take keys with me,” Deputy Bobby said to himself.“Check.”
My jaw dropped at this new outrage.
“This next one is very important,” Deputy Bobby said.“You must keep all information from the ride-along confidential.That includes the personal information of people we interact with.”In a slightly different voice, he added, “It’s a small town, Dash.The people you’re going to see are your neighbors, and some of them, well, you won’t see them at their best.”
“I understand.”
“And now we get to my favorite rule: the deputy may terminate the ride-along at any point.”
Again: jaw droppage.
Deputy Bobby looked far too pleased with himself.“These rules are for your safety—”
“How dare you?”
“—and for mine.Okay, are you ready to go?”
“Wait a minute.I believe there was another rule you didn’t cover.”
Deputy Bobby put his hands on his hips.It was, all things considered, a good look for him, although the glower he was giving me did put a damper on things.
“I believe I remember something about a meal.”
It must have been twenty or thirty seconds of total silence.And then Deputy Bobby said, “Here we go.”
