I know exactly what she’s talking about so it’s easy to respond.
“No. I’ve never felt quite like this before.”
“I thought maybe it was just me, since I’ve only had two boyfriends.”
“Honey, I’ve never had an actual girlfriend. I’ve had girls I would call to hook up with, or friends with benefits, and lots of one-night stands. But this? Never.”
“Really?” She shifts, turning to gaze up at me curiously. “Why?”
“I was busy raising Billie. For a long time, we were broke, and I didn’t want to get involved with a woman who would make me feel bad for spending all my money on Billie. And then last year, when things started to turn around for me financially, I was mad at the world. Mostly, I was mad at myself, but I didn’t figure that out until later. In the moment, I didn’t like myself so how could I like anyone else?”
“I don’t like myself sometimes,” she admits quietly.
“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” I say. “Because you’re awesome. The girl you wrote about in your letters—that’s trauma talking. From losing your mom. From your dad being a dick. From your stepmother being a bitch. None of that is reality. The woman I see is nothing like the one you described in your letter.”
“Oh, you’ve seen bits and pieces.”
“When?” I demand. “When you bumped into me at the DMV? That was an accident. When you kept a child who doesn’t know how to swim very well from falling into the pool? Or when a smart, compassionate woman decided we shouldn’t see each other again because her father is my boss and could make my life miserable? What’s messed up about the person I just described?”
She’s quiet for a long time, and I’m not sure if I’ve hurt her feelings or pissed her off or what.
“Babe?”
“I’ve always thought those things made me clumsy, awkward…weak.”
“That’s not what I see, Jayne. Not even a little.”
“I’m a librarian who spends most of my time buried in books. Do you see that?”
“You spend most of your time buried inmewhen we’re together,” I whisper, tugging so that she’s fully on top of me.
“I think it’s you who’s buried inme,” she counters, a soft giggle escaping.
I lightly swat her ass. “You know what I mean.”
“I do.” She snuggles deeper into me, her face hidden in my shoulder.
“I like you the way you are, Jayne,” I say after a moment. “I honestly wouldn’t change a single thing about you.”
“Except maybe who my dad is?”
I shake my head. “Not even that because without him, you wouldn’t be you.”
“You always know exactly what to say.”
“I try.”
“Bodi, what are we going to do if we get caught? I don’t want to blow up your career.”
“I’m working on that,” I say quietly. “I might have to be a little bit less attentive than usual now that the season has officially started. So I can put the majority of my time and energy into hockey. If I’m productive on the ice, your dad isn’t going to be as concerned about my social life.”
“It’s the first week of October and I don’t graduate until the end of May. I don’t know if I could…support myself if my dad kicked me out.”
“You’d move in with me,” I say without hesitation. “So that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about.”
“What if he kicks me out and sends you down to the minors?”
“I negotiated a one-way contract when the Thunder picked me up. I make the same money whether I play for the Thunder or in the minors. In addition, if your dad tries to send me down,I’d have to clear waivers first, which means any other team that wants me could potentially pick me up. Is it a risk? Sure. Especially if I’m not playing well, but it’s not likely. The bigger worry is that he benches me and then everyone wonders why and no one else wants me.”
