Insignificant.
Pre-therapy Bodi wouldn’t have recognized all of that.
But I do now and I hate that she feels that way. Hate that she wishes she could be someone else so I would pay attention to her. Except she isn’t and I still did. Does she realize that? Intellectually, I’m sure she does, but everything is different emotionally. I have my own set of insecurities, which is why I recognize a pattern of self-deprecation. Mine are simply more related to hockey and all the ways I failed as a parent to Billie.
I wish Jayne hadn’t given me the letter before I left on a road trip, though I’m guessing that was done by design.
The first two pre-season games are in Nashville and St. Louis, and we left this morning. Normally, I don’t mind, especially since they’re both quick flights, but it means three days away from Jayne. Three days until I can look in her eyes and tell her I don’twanther to be anyone else.
We’ve been seeing each other almost daily since we started sleeping together, and it’s been amazing. She has to know how much I enjoy spending time with her, getting to know her better, forging our path as a couple just starting out in life. She’s at theend of her academic era, getting ready to go out into the world, and I’m still in the early stages of my NHL career.
Our futures individually are murky, which is why I’ve been trying to spend as much time together as possible because free time is something I won’t have a lot of once hockey season officially starts.
Things are inevitably going to change.
She’s already nervous about the situation, mostly on my account since she worries about what her father will say or do. I’ve tried to reassure her but I can tell she’s not as convinced as I am that everything is going to be okay.
Now that I’ve read that letter, I understand her a little better.
So far, everything in our relationship has been great, except for how she can’t spend the night with me. It’s not that I mind getting up and driving her home after we’ve been in bed, I just wish she didn’t have to go. I’d love to explore the next step of intimacy—actually sleeping together. Waking up together. Having breakfast.
I’m trying to come up with a way for us to get away somewhere, but it hasn’t been easy to figure out the logistics. And it’s only going to become more difficult as I get deeper into the season. There are a lot of details for both of us. She has responsibilities at the library, she’s been buried in homework, and she tries to go to all of Lindy’s pageants.
“You haven’t said two words the whole flight,” West says to me as the plane begins to descend into Nashville.
“Just thinking about the game,” I respond blandly.
He arches his brows. “I bet that’s notallyou’re thinking about.”
“Not here,” I mutter under my breath.
We’re quiet again for a beat.
“You really like her,” he says in a thoughtful tone.
“Well, yeah.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Secrets have a way of blowing up in your face.”
“Yeah, but she’s…special. And he’s a jerk.” I say the last part even more quietly.
“Still…he’s the jerk in charge.”
I’m grateful that West is cognizant of how precarious my situation is and chooses his words carefully. “Believe me, I know. We’re being tested,” he continues in his quiet, steady tone. “All of us. Remember that as you navigate whatever it is you’re doing.”
“You think I’m crazy.”
He shrugs. “Not my circus, not my monkey. I’m just hoping you’re thinking with your big head and not your little one.”
I shoot a scowl in his direction. “Don’t do that. You know damn well that’s not what this is.”
A faint smile plays on his lips. “Well, I donow.”
“What, you were testing me too?” I roll my eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, bro.”
