Grief was such a weird thing. Sometimes, it was almost like I forgot that my sister was gone and my husband had chosen someone else, and then it hit me like a battering ram. Having Nikolai look at me with such kind eyes made it all so real.
I cleared my throat. “I know he asked for a divorce, so I don’t think the choice is mine, and even if it was. I wouldn’t choose this.” I said firmly.
A line appeared between his white eyebrows. “You’re right, Alexei did come here, but he didn’t mention divorce. He knows I would never allow it.”
I smiled at him sadly. “It’s really not your choice, you grumpy old man.”
“And I can’t talk you into sticking around?” he asked hopefully.
“No, I left a message on his machine telling him about Alessia and the date of the funeral. He hasn’t contacted me. It’s over, Nikolai.” Reaching out I patted his liver-spotted hand, but I didn’t let him grab mine. “I know you don’t want that to be true.”
His eyes narrowed. “What if I threatened you? I can do that, you know.” He joked. “I’m extremely feared.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. “I know you are, Nikolai. And I could never go against you. I’m not strong enough.”
“Oh, you are the strongest person I’ve ever met, Amy,” he said firmly. “That’s why I chose you.” His chest rose and fell. “But I won’t force you to stay with him. He doesn’t deserve you, and he will realize that when it’s too late. Where will you go?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
“What will you do for money?”
I shrugged. I didn’t know the answer to that either. “The staff,” my voice cracked, “Mrs. Cole and Micah have given me some money for a hotel, but I guess I’ll get a job and—”
“I had this waiting for you.” He reached to his nightstand and pulled out a plastic card. Holding it out for me to take. I didn’t move. “It’s not a huge amount. Alexei is in charge of any business money now. This is from my own retirement fund.” Again, his eyes crinkled at the edges. “There’s only a few hundred thousand, but it should see you through until you get settled.”
A few hundred thousand? My eyebrows shot up. He said it was pocket change.
“I can’t take that. I’ll be fine, Nikolai.”
“I won’t miss it, Amy, please take it.””
I was going to do no such thing.
“Alexei won’t be able to trace you with this, I promise.”
That wasn’t what I was worried about. I knew that Alexei wouldn’t come looking for me. He had no need to. I just didn’t want to be indebted to the Petrovovs.
Standing wearily, I leaned over his bed and gave him an awkward hug, pressing a kiss to the paper-thin skin on his cheek.
“You know I can’t take that, Nikolai. I’ll be fine. I’ve always looked after myself. And now won’t be any different.” Before I could stop myself, my hand touched my stomach. His eyes narrowed in on it straight away.
“I understand, Amy,” he said finally. “Please look after yourself, and if you need anything,” his eyes darted down to my stomach in a pointed look, “Anything at all, don’t hesitate to call me.”
“I will.” I lied. I would not contact him or Alexei for anything, and he knew it.
Alexei had made his choice, and now, so had I.
“Goodbye, Nikolai,” I said as I headed towards the door. “I’ll miss you.”
It was raining by the time they lowered my sister’s coffin into the ground, and I didn’t feel a drop of it. It was such a strange thingwatching that coffin be lowered. It didn’t feel like a final goodbye. It felt like nothing. I was numb. Completely and utterly.
Around me, a few guests raised black umbrellas, but I just stood there, my clothes sticking to my body and my heels sinking into the mud. Next to me, Gabriella shifted closer to me, trying to shield me with her umbrella. I smiled at her sadly. I didn’t ask how she knew or why she was there. I was just glad she was.
If I had to guess, I would say Mrs. Cole had told her. I looked around the people who had gathered, and there she was, standing next to one of the housemaids and two of my sisters’ nurses. Even Micah was here, hovering at the back of the crowd.
“And we give Alessia back into your waiting arms, oh Lord,” the priest said, and the rest I didn’t hear because I was crying too much. Fat, silent tears slipped down my face with the rainwater.
Even the sky was crying for my sister, but then again, the sky had been crying ever since Alexei had come into my life. Maybe it wept for me. Maybe it just cried for how stupid and naive I had been. Maybe it cried because of how stupid I had been for letting myself fall in love with someone who could never love me back. But those days were over now.
