Marley
“Marley, honey, are you okay?” Sarah’s soothing voice breaks through my thoughts. I didn’t even hear her open the creaky screen door.
I don’t look in her direction, I don’t have it in me to talk to her. My focus is on the pond across the way, close to the stream that runs through our property.
The pond makes me think of the many times we would go fishing with dad when we were little. Dad always told me I had to carry my own pole and not rely on anyone else to carry it for me. I would eventually fall behind because the long pole would get tangled in bushes or trees, then Mason would fall back and take the pole from me to carry it the rest of the way.
I always ended up more interested in catching frogs orturtles, anyway.
Take that pole and insert the same scenario into any other thing we did, and there was Mason, carrying the hard part for me.
With a sigh, I ask Sarah, “Is dad back yet?”
Dad drove Mason to the bus station this morning. They made him join the Army as punishment for pulling that asshole off me while he was raping me. It was that or go to jail.
Since Keith’s father is a District Attorney in Tulsa, he had some pull in the courts and demanded that Mason be punished for almost killing his son. Mason had already turned eighteen and Keith was still seventeen, so it was unfair from the beginning.
But Mason has never been in trouble, always made good grades, and he was defending me, so the judge gave him the choice between jail or the Army. If I’m honest, I think the judge wanted to let Mason off, but DA Blevins was hell bent on making him pay while trying to portray his son as the victim.
It didn’t matter that Keith put me in the hospital for a few days, my nose was broken, or that I had a concussion, or that he ripped me on the inside. He didn’t wear a condom, so I had to take one of those morning-after pills, just in case, and a shitload of antibiotics.
Even though the rape was labeled ‘violent’, and that he was even there showed intent, Mason was punished because he broke some bones and hit him so hard that he was put in a medically induced coma for about a week to wait for the swelling to go down in his brain.
I guess it doesn’t matter that being able to sleep through the night is a memory. The nightmares wake me up, and I can only sleep if Mason is in the room with me. The sleeping pills help, but they don’t stop the dreams that put me right back in that night. I feel that asshole’s breath on my face and the painin my pelvis even when I’m sleeping.
I’ve never been separated from Mason; he’s been by my side since birth. How am I supposed to get through this without him?
Since we were little, he’s always been the one to make sure I’m okay. When we were very young and I was shy, he would speak for me, instinctively placing himself between me and whatever stranger was talking to me.
Even when we got older, if we were in a crowd of people, like at one of his car shows or at the rodeo events in town, he would reach behind him and grab my hand so he wouldn’t lose me in the crowd.
He’s been with me every day since that night, sleeping on a cot in my room, not letting me out of his sight. His guilt has been hanging over him like a storm cloud, he blames himself for letting me walk out to the truck by myself.
I keep telling him it’s impossible to know what’s going to happen every second of every day. He still says he should have known better.
I made him promise me he would say goodbye before he left this morning. Knowing him as well as he knows himself, I had a feeling he was going to sneak away so I wouldn’t cry. Even though he was trying to be strong for me, I could see the worry on his face.
He knows.
He knows I’m weaker without him. I tried to be brave back, but when he kissed my forehead and told me, ‘I may be far away, but I’m here for you. Remember that. Whatever you do, stay strong, we’ll make it through this’.
I couldn’t stop the tears.
Stay strong.
Usually when people cry, the nose burns or the face scrunches up while the chin wobbles, but the damndest thing is that my tears have started flowing without even a twitch.Like they are now. It comes and goes, sometimes I can sit out here and be dry as a bone, but other times I can’t get them to stop.
Like now.
My older brother, Gray, has been trying to help, but he’s not Mason. Mason knows what I’m thinking. Gray tries, and I love him even more for it, but it’s not the same.
Sarah is Gray’s fiancé; they’ve been together since they were in high school. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding next spring and I agreed when she asked. Before that night. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell her I don’t even know if I’ll be able to go.
“He’s not yet. When they left, he said he was stopping by the feed store on the way back.” She sits in the wicker chair next to me, facing my direction, and tucks her hands between her thighs.
There’s a chill in the air and most of the trees are shedding their leaves, some are turning colors and the view from here is beautiful. But I don’t care about any of it. It’s been hard to care about anything for the last six months.
Not really wanting to have a conversation, I’m mainly just thinking out loud. “I forgot to ask Mason how long the bus ride would be.” I made him some sandwiches, but I didn’t think that maybe I didn’t make enough until just now.
