Being present for Hallie while keeping my focus is shaking my tightrope. I prefer the company of my horses over people for many reasons, but their inability to talk is in my top three. I’m not upset with her, she doesn’t know she’s poking my own inner hornet’s nest, she would be mortified if she did.
“If we think too much about the faults and actions of people we can’t control, we’ll just be miserable. I’ve learned that focusing on what I can control,” I chuckle and shrug a shoulder, “which isn’t much really, I’m happier at the end of the day.”
We stand in silence for a minute, the birds filling the silence with their song.
“I read once that we choose people who remind us of normal, whether that is good or bad. So, if my childhood was got great, and I chose D, does that mean that I chose what he did to me?” Her voice hitches a little and I turn to look at her at the same time she looks at me with tears in her eyes. “Do you think everyone thinks I wanted what he did? That I chose it?”
The back of my nose burns with the tears I’m fighting. Every abuse case is unique, but I imagine part of the betrayalfor Hallie is because she truly believed he loved her. She probably believed that with all her heart. Just to be comforting or… empathetic, I try to imagine one of the people I love and trust turning on me the way Hallie’s ex turned on her.
I swallow the sob that wants to burst from my chest because of the thought. “No, Hallie, you didn’t choose to be abused. I think you trusted, and you loved, and a monster took advantage of that.”
Her long, thick auburn hair is in a ponytail, the layers whisping out at different levels down her back. The breeze is kicking up the strands onto her shoulder. She untucks a hand from under her arm and bats her fingers across her cheek to catch a tear that broke free.
“It’s important to me that you don’t think less of me. I want you to know that at first, he was charming, and funny, and so damn sweet. He turned into a different person after I moved in with him.” She turns to face the pen again and looks down at the ground. “It sounds stupid, but for a minute, Ithought I was the luckiest girl in the world.”
Facing her and putting my hands on her shoulders, I turn her toward me. “It’s not stupid. You’re not stupid. We all want to be loved, to feel normal, and we all want to feel lucky. Right now, you’re lucky because you have a house full of people who love you and will stand up for you. You’re not alone.
“And for the record, I don’t think less of you. You walked away and lost everything, you saved yourself and are picking up your pieces. That’s pretty damn strong, if you ask me.”
Wiping another tear that breaks loose, she smiles and nods. “Thank you, Marley.”
I roll my lips between my teeth as I hold her eye contact. “I have a question.” She gives me a small nod of permission. “Will he be back?”
Her eyes volley between mine for a moment before she gives a small head nod again. My heart sinks. Even if it’s not realistic, I hoped the guys scared him away.
She shuffles her feet nervously and turns her head to look at the horse still standing on the other side of the pen, his big black eyes watching us. “Elly told me that every time she’s around Felix and Frost, it’s the best feeling in the world.” Turning her head to meet my eyes, she says, “Is it true?”
It’s my turn to genuinely smile, and I nod. “Yes.” I drop my hands from her shoulders and turn toward the horse. “Itisthe best feeling in the world.”
Now facing the pen, her arms tucked across her chest again, she looks down and toes the grass at our feet. “Would it be okay with you if I hang around some? Maybe help out in your stable an hour or so a day. I promise I won’t get in the way.” She lifts her head and looks at me pleadingly as she finishes.
“I never turn down help, and it’s good for them to be around more people than just me.” I wave my hand at the other two horses in the paddocks next to the pen.
Her smile stretches and lights up her entire face. “After I clean up the breakfast mess? For an hour or so?”
“Sure.”
“Thanks, Marley.” She looks toward the house. “I have to go, it’s laundry day and if I don’t get an early start, it will put me behind for the day.”
“Okay. Tomorrow morning, then?”
“Yes, definitely!”
She waves as she walks away, but she has a pep in her step that wasn’t there before. I watch until she gets to the house and quickly walk to the stable and into one of the empty stalls, setting my palms and my forehead against the cool wood.
The threat of sinking sadness I was forcing back while I was talking to Hallie wraps around me like a dark cloud and Ilet the sob out that I choked back earlier. Listening to her express the same thoughts which have poked at me all these years brought it all to the surface.
Some people say time heals wounds, but I think that’s a way for some people to avoid an uncomfortable reality. Maybe they don’t want to talk about the hurt that has been forced on someone else. Maybe if they say it out loud to someone who’s hurting, it’s their way of putting an expiration date on their own unease.
Maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s just self-preservation.
The wound may heal, it may look better from the outside, but it doesn’t go away. I think about the person I was before and the person I am now. Even after all this time, the pain and humiliation hasn’t gone away. I may look healed on the outside, but I’m still raw on the inside.
I’ll never be normal.
My dream of a happy life with a husband and children may never happen.
I try not to think about a future alone. I tell myself to focus on the here and now, or I’ll buckle under the crushing thought of never sharing the deep love that comes with a strong connection. That consequence is on me because I’m terrified of dealing with the pain involved in forming a bond.
