For the past six months, Hallie has been a blessing in disguise, she helps Sloane with everything. We all love her and I know nothing will happen to her on our watch, she’s become part of the family.
Gray’s fingers tighten on my niece, Lainey Rai’s, arm, and his eyes fall on Hallie. “We don’t blame you, Hallie.” His gruff nature makes his reassurances sound forced, even when he means it. To any untrained ear, he would sound like an ass, but I know better.
After Sarah died in a car accident seven years ago, he became even more serious than he was before, and his countenance turned gruff and impatient. Since he found Elly four months ago, I’ve noticed she’s softening some of those rough edges.
“But I brought him to your home.” Hallie’s voice shakes as she talks and more tears stream down her face. Sloane’s arm tightens around her shoulders and she pulls her closer into a side hug, the swell of her belly between them.
Dad’s gravelly voice booms as he steps away from me and softly pats her cheek like he would one of his own daughters. “Hallie, he drove himself here, sweetheart. You have nothing to feel bad about.”
Lainey Rai’s eyes are moving back and forth to whoever istalking, soaking in all the details. “Will he come back?” Her eyes lift to Gray’s towering frame, a worry crease in her forehead.
“Even if he does, you don’t have anything to worry about, pumpkin.” He glances down at Elly, who is almost the same height as Lainey Rai and tucked into his other side, and says, “It’s almost time to open wedding gifts, you want to make sure everything is ready?”
We tease Elly because she is five two, and she hates it. She says everyone is taller than her and Lainey Rai, who is the only person in the house shorter than her, will be taller than her soon.
Understanding his meaning, she nods as she holds out her hand to Lainey Rai. “Yes, Lainey Rai and I will make sure.” They walk to the gift table together.
The hair on my neck stands up like someone is watching me, and I look up to see Jax’s ice-blue eyes on me as they join our small circle. The crease over his nose is deeper as his eyes drop to my arms across my stomach. Curling my fingers into my palms to control the shaking, I let my arms drop to my sides and give my attention to Mason.
The three of them come to a stop next to Gray. Behind his relaxed posture and the casual way Jax slides his hands into his khaki slacks, I can still feel him watching me. His face is a mask of calm, but in his eyes as he looks at me, I see concern.
Steeling myself to do something I never do, I let my eyes move back to meet his cool blue stare and suck in a breath when I see his intense gaze still on me, his eyes slightly narrowed as they scan my face.
Not sure how to react, I let my gaze drop to the green grass between us. My heart that had just started beating normally again is beating harder, but not in fear of him. I don’t know what to do with the feeling that just warmed my chest and then blinked out when the icy wind of reality wipedit away.
The hard truth is that I don’t know how to let anyone close to me and I honestly don’t think there is a man out there who has the patience to try. Allowing myself to hope for something that, deep in my soul, I ache for, will only hurt more if I let someone in and I am disappointed again.
I don’t even know if I am able to let anyone in completely, and I also know that before Mason met Sloane, he and Jax shared the same appetite for women. A different woman every night kind of appetite.
Disappointment as deep as the darkest natural spring on our property wraps around me, and my heart plummets into my stomach. I don’t know why his appetite, or his lifestyle, should matter to me at all, he’s my brother’s best friend. That’s all.
The feeling of being watched has become stronger, but I don’t let my eyes move back to Jax.
Sloane’s soft voice pulls me out of my rapid descent into melancholy that I’ve been fighting all day. “I think it’s time for opening gifts.” She points to Lainey Rai who is by the gift table waving them over.
Needing a minute alone to swallow this unexpected, confusing and unwanted feeling of loss, I look at Sloane. “I’ll just be a minute, I need to use the restroom.”
Sloane smiles and nods her head, but Mason stands in front of me and grasps my shoulders as he lowers his head to my ear so only I can hear him. “You okay?”
He knows me as well as I know myself, but I try to fool him, anyway. I place my palm on his hard chest and pat a couple of times. “Yes, I just need to pee.”
His eyes narrow as he looks over my face and he takes a deep breath, his chest rising and the exhale tickling my chin. After staring at me a few moments, he nods his head and lets go of my shoulders. I smile at him and turn on my heel to go tothe house.
I’ve always loved the calm quiet of the library. It’s a small room, half of it filled with books about animal husbandry, farming, Native American heritage, fence repair, some masculine fiction, and my great, great, great, great grandfather’s journals that contain the start of the Harlow Ranch.
I think I read every book there is on these shelves about horses when I was a child, they were always my favorite subject.
The other half is dedicated to my mother and all the books of my grandmothers before her. It’s a bit bigger with all the fictional romance combined with decades of how-to’s, the proper etiquette of each decade, cookbooks, and many other sorts of topics.
The large window in the room faces east and the shadows of the trees on this side of the property cast a green glow, from all the new leaves, in the setting sun. I take a deep breath, willing the feeling that’s attached itself to my thoughts to go away.
I allowed myself to hope four years ago when a man said all the right things, but in the long-run, he didn’t really mean it. When I compare my cautious, almost forced affections to those of other women who are so carefree, warm and quick to hug and kiss, I feel inadequate and it turns into a vicious cycle of hurtful thoughts.
It took me months after he called it quits to feel somewhat good about myself.
I don’t want to go through that again, and based on the way Jax keeps looking at me, I’m not going to fool myself into believing he is different.
Tapping the tips of my fingers to my thumb, I count the taps to bring myself into the here and now. The grounding rhythm reminding me of who I am, making mesigh. Turning to the door, I make my way to the kitchen to go back outside.
