“You know what I want, you. I want to make a future with you. I love you but I can’t abandon Penny, not now, not when I created the situation she’s in . . .”
Jon’s voice trailed off and Steph knew the reason for it wasn’t because he didn’t have the words. He was ashamed, he felt guilty for everything that had happened to Penny and his child.
“You can’t blame yourself for what happened,” she stated more than asked.
“Why? If I had kept a closer eye on her, not started a row, if I’d followed her. Fuck! Maybe if I hadn’t insisted she married me she wouldn’t have been out on that fucking bike and she and the baby would be happy and healthy.”
“No!” Steph insisted. “You don’t get to blame yourself for this.”
Jon stared at her with disbelief that she was not only trying to persuade him that he wasn’t responsible but that she truly believed he wasn’t.
“But,” was as much of an objection that he was able to offer before Steph continued speaking.
“No, no, no. If you’d kept a closer eye you would have suffocated her and she would have run, I don’t know where to or when but she would and maybe she’d have walked under a bus or just run with the baby never to come back. If you hadn’t started a row? Did you start the row or did she? I am going to suggest that when you questioned her drug use she came out fighting, you said as much. If you’d ignored it and not confronted her you might have come home and found her dead from an overdose, her and the baby, who knows? Nobody does. As for marrying her. You did what you thought was right, for your child that might not have been yours.”
Jon stared wildly at the final point causing Steph to take a couple of deep breaths.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean he wasn’t, but I am just saying that one night together, the odds must be slim.”
“We used a condom,” Jon admitted. “I can’t say it was faulty, but it happens.”
“Oh, Jon,” Steph sighed, moving until she was straddling his lap and pulling his head to her chest so she could hug and comfort him.
“He felt like mine. I was going to love him like he was mine.” The break in Jon’s voice almost broke Steph’s heart.
“I know. Look, I can’t say I understand or know how you feel, but you have more than paid for everything. I don’t mean money, but emotionally. You married a girl who said she was having your baby. You both lost that baby and you have taken care of her, made sure Penny has received the best care possible and I know you’ll continue to do so, but you are entitled to a life of your own.”
“I know,” he agreed. “I realise that, you made me realise that,” he told her, his head raised so that he could study her face. “Tell me we have a future, darling,” he pleaded, the break in his voice returning.
“I want us to,” she admitted. “It might not be easy, but I want that more than anything.”
His eyes traced a longing glance across her face, from her eyes to her mouth and then back again until he settled on her bruised cheek. “That bastard needs to get his. Did you report it to the police?”
Steph shook her head. “I want to forget him and focus on you, on us.”
“I can’t force you,” he replied as one hand skated across her face until his fingers were skimming through her hair. “You’ve been crying,” he stated, not that her red, blotchy appearance could be missed.
“I couldn’t sleep. I was sad, for Penny, and me, and mainly you.” Tears filled her eyes again.
“No more, darling. No more tears, unless they’re happy ones,” he said, using the hand in her hair to pull her face closer, guiding her lips to his.
She could feel his breath on her lips, like butterflies dancing on a blade of grass.
“Jon,” she moaned, desperate for more contact when they were interrupted by the buzz of an intercom.
“Yes, Rosie?” asked a breathless and flustered Steph.
“Sorry, Andrea called down to remind Mr Brooker that he was due in the conference room this morning with Miss Marley.”
Steph looked across at Jon and saw him frown before acknowledging Rosie, “Okay, thank you.”
Steph continued watching his conflicted face before her and for no reason she could fathom beside the fact that she loved him, she smiled a half smile. “I love you.”
He smiled. A real smile that said he was happy and settled now. “Well that’s a relief as I think we were about to make a return visit to the carpet or the desk.”
He grinned now, a cocky, self-assured grin that Steph was relieved to see.
“We still need to sort out what we do next, how this will work.”
