Looking at the tags she’d removed from the new clothes she wore, she allowed herself a short laugh at the strange looks she’d received as she wandered around the twenty-four hour supermarket near her home in an evening gown with a tear streaked face as she spent over two- hundred and fifty pounds on a phone charger, shoes, clothes and toiletries for the week. The thought of her phone prompted her to look at it which only served to make her wince at the sight of all of the missed calls and texts, mainly from Jon. She’d left a voicemail on Grant’s work extension to let him know she was taking a few days off, but hadn’t offered an explanation, just a suggestion to speak to Mr Brooker if he required any more details. She had text Rosie too,asking her to cancel all of her appointments and sent a generic,I’m okay, but taking a few days out and will call you when I’m back hometext to everyone else; her siblings, Lindsay, Charlie and Janice who could filter her absence to her dad. She didn’t reply to any of her messages, and when she looked down at the sheer number from Jon, she ignored them completely, knowing that as soon as she opened them it would show on his phone that she had seen them and she didn’t want that, but wasn’t sure why. Actually she was, she was sure that it would in some way enable him to locate her using GPS or something, but more than that she wanted him to be worried about her and to feel guilty for causing her hurt and for him to feel as sad at her absence as she did at his. Most of all, she needed him to know that he had created this situation. She wasn’t ready to forgive anything he’d done, but more than that she wanted to punish him and this was the only way she could do it.
Turning her phone off, mainly to remove the pull of Jon’s messages, she looked out of the window of the budget hotel room she was occupying and noticed that there were lots of fields and paths around which might be just what she needed, lots of walks and time to think, to clear her head. Grabbing her new trainers that she hoped wouldn’t need breaking in or she would be covered in blisters before the day was out, she set off.
Every day followed a similar routine,Steph walked miles and miles before returning to the hotel where she would shower, change, then head for the bar where she would eat a light dinner, her one meal of the day and have a glass of wine. Each night she would fend off several advances from businessmen away from home, reminding her of her mistake with Jon. The mistake she knew she had been party to when she had ignored the alarm bells in her head that had been so loud they’d almost deafenedher, but she’d overruled them and this is where it had gotten her; sad, alone, crying herself to sleep, avoiding her friends and family and still desperate to be held in the arms of the man who had caused all of this heartache. One of the men in the bar had almost tempted her as he resembled Jon physically and had a similar sense of humour. They’d travelled in the lift together up to their rooms one night after chatting in the bar and although they were going to their own rooms on the same floor there was an undercurrent that maybe they wouldn’t be needing both rooms. Richard, her Jon doppelgänger, well maybe not, more of a Jon-ish type had a room closer to the lift than her own and as he leaned in towards her with an obvious intention to kiss her she had frozen. This was not Jon.
“Hey,” he’d soothed gently. “Come on in, let’s have a couple of drinks and see what happens. What do you say, darling?” he’d asked.
At that point Steph knew she couldn’t do this, because he wasn’t Jon and never would be, nobody else would ever be the right man for her, because none of them would ever be him which was going to make for a lonely future and the use of the word darling convinced her of what she already knew.
“Richard, sorry, I can’t do this. I have stuff to sort back home before I can even consider, well, anything,” she’d said sincerely.
“I hope he deserves you.” Smiling, Richard kissed her gently on the cheek and headed into his room alone leaving her to head to hers where she cried herself to sleep again.
She’d founda stables nearby and had been riding several times, something she’d always enjoyed but hadn’t done since just after she’d met Simon. Being on the back of a horse allowed her time to think too, maybe more than the aimless walking. As she focused on the animal beneath her, her mind seemed moreable to remain focused on herself. She gave the horse the commands and cues he needed and while he did his job it freed her mind to think, to think about her mum, Janice and her dad, Simon, Lindsay and Charlie and Jon, mainly Jon, always it started and ended with Jon. Whilst Simon, she decided had been the biggest mistake of her life, Jon had been the best thing, the wisest choice she had ever made because he was the opposite of Simon and had shown her that she wasn’t entirely slutty Steph who only deserved bad things to happen to her, although she had endured her fair share of bad things, but since Jon she knew they weren’t her punishment for being a bad person.
Almost a week since she’d arrived, she decided that she needed to go back, and face the music, face everything and everyone, including Jon. She knew she would have to work for him for the next six months regardless, unless he’d sacked her in her absence, but beyond that she didn’t know what the future held. She did know that she absolutely and completely loved him, in spite of the lies and although she knew she had contributed to the wife thing, specifically Lucy, he could and should have told her sooner. He had lied as far as she was concerned by not correcting her error about the identity of his wife. She needed to make sure Lindsay and Charlie realised how pissed off she was with them too, Lindsay more than Charlie because he had at least told her on several occasions that she needed to let Jon talk about his wife.
She was thoroughly miserable without him and completely heartbroken at the thought of a future that didn’t include him. She needed to face him, to clarify their working relationship and the lease on her flat. Her family would need an explanation and she needed to give it to them without drama and tears or her brothers, especially Jason would be likely to want to take Jon to task and that wouldn’t benefit anyone, least of all her and herworking life and Jason himself because she didn’t doubt he was no match for Jon.
Steph was almosthome and decided that she should make contact with someone and after much deliberation opted for Lindsay. Although she had no clue how Jon was and if he had given her so much as a second thought, Steph had sworn her friend to secrecy about where they were meeting and trusted her not to tell Jon.
The bar that they’d agreed on was busy enough that they blended in but wasn’t so busy that it felt crowded. Lindsay was already there when Steph arrived and upon seeing her, a frown creased her friend’s brow and her words confirmed the reason for that.
“You look like shit!” Lindsay announced before pulling a tearful Steph into her arms for a warm and loving embrace. “What the hell is going on? Jon is going crazy and Charlie has no clue how to calm him down.”
“Sorry,” Steph whispered as a waitress appeared at their table and took orders for their drinks.
“What exactly are you sorry for?” Lindsay asked as she took Steph’s hand in hers.
“Everything.” That was the truth. She was sorry for everything; for running away, for leaving Lindsay in the unenviable position of being Jon’s best connection to her, especially as she was married to his best friend but most of all she was sorry for having ever got involved with Jonathan Brooker. That final thought made her shake her head because the truth was she didn’t know that she’d ever regret that, even if she did regret hugely the way it had ended.
Lindsay nodded, a nod that seemed to suggest that she truly understood and believed what Steph was saying in that one word.
“Did you know Lucy wasn’t his wife?” Steph asked and braced herself for the reply.
It was a shake of the head now from her friend before she expanded. “I told you before that Jon is lovely but complicated and he really is. I don’t know his family or his situation. Charlie had no clue that you believed Lucy was his wife. He knew she was his step-mother, which might be weirder than if she had been his wife, Lindsay mused making Steph smile a little. “Charlie said he’d encouraged you to speak to Jon about his wife, but you clearly didn’t. Jon has now sworn Charlie to secrecy about Penny until he has had chance to tell you, although he told me her name and that it isn’t as it seems. He wants to tell you himself.”
“I didn’t want to know, not really and once I had put Lucy in the role I refused to listen about her even more and then with my dad’s accident it all took a back seat. I was so mad with Jon at the gala but I just felt stupid and gullible. Worse than that I felt ashamed Linds. I knowingly started an affair with a married man because I fancied the pants of him. Then, I allowed him to provide me with a home, a job, a car and I fell in love with him. I made every excuse in my head for why he and Lucy didn’t have a conventional marriage and in each scenario I blamed her because I fell in love and wanted him to be my Prince Charming and if I acknowledged he was a cheating pig, he was anything but.”
“Oh, Steph.” Lindsay sighed, already moving to hug her friend again who was allowing tears to run down her face.
“It gets worse, Linds. If he was here and kissed me or touched me and offered any defence I think I would forgive and forget like that,” she admitted with a snap of her fingers. “I am so madwith him but I am madder with myself because I am the one who has lied to me. He never ever told me Lucy was his wife, he just didn’t correct my assumption, although he did tell me several times itwasn’t like that.”
“You’re going to have to see him and speak to him,” Lindsay pointed out.
“I know.” Steph sighed as their drinks arrived.
An houror more passed and Lindsay had just made a trip to the ladies when Steph felt someone next to her. Looking up she realised that whenever she thought things couldn’t get worse or more complicated, they did.
“Simon,” she muttered.
“Steph,” he replied, already taking Lindsay’s vacant seat. “What’s up? You look like crap.”
Although she wasn’t amused by his usual disrespectful tone and criticism, she laughed. She didn’t care what he thought, especially when he looked as though he probably hadn’t showered or changed in clothes in a few days.
“I hope you’re not fucking laughing at me!” he snapped making Steph realise that Simon was a very different prospect to Jon who had always encouraged her amusement and comments, good and bad.
“What do you want?” Steph knew she sounded abrupt, but that’s how she felt and the truth was that she just wanted him to leave her alone and for Lindsay to return because right now she didn’t feel entirely safe, even if they were in a crowded bar.
