“Talk? Now you want to talk! I have been trying to talk for days, weeks, and you shut me down at every turn.”
Steph stared at the angry looking man before her and she couldn’t dispute what he was saying because she did actively avoid the ‘wife’ conversation.
“I want you to talk to me about this, us, and for you to not storm off to bed,” Steph replied, feeling her own irritation rising but was unsure who with because she knew she was the one in the wrong, for the lack of conversation, her treatment of him earlier and for her ridiculous flirtation with Ade.
“Steph, I am storming off to bed because I don’t want this to turn into something bigger. Something where we both say things we’ll regret.” He sighed. “Let’s just go to bed and maybe we can talk about it tomorrow, although I’m not sure I won’t still be pissed off with you,” he told her as he headed back towards the bedroom without her.
“Maybe I need to talk now,” she snapped, thinking she was being unreasonable but she couldn’t go to bed like this. She knew she’d never go to sleep with this hanging over them and the truth was she had done this too many times before with Simon.
Steph could feel tears burning the back of her eyes as she remembered all of the rows, the throwing of things and then the silence that could last for days, sometimes longer. She remembered one particular row where they had gone to bed in silence and then Steph had lay in her own bed, scared to move or speak in case it triggered another row. She had finally nodded off in the early hours of the morning and had woken to find Simon touching her, making her think he wanted to make up, he hadn’t. He’d wanted his own release and pleasure. Every time Steph had attempted to speak to Simon that morning he’d put a hand over her mouth, preventing it, forbidding it. She wanted to cry as she remembered how he’d roughly entered her and had made no effort to give her any pleasure or reassurance during or afterwards. He had literally found his own release, then rolled off and left, not returning for another eleven days.
“Go on then, talk,” Jon shouted, possibly repeating himself.
“I, erm, it’s, I . . .” she stammered, unsure what she wanted to say now she had the floor.
“I think we both know that what we need to talk about is my wife. She is the biggest problem between us, isn’t she? She is the person that confuses you far more than me, yourself or us.”
Steph nodded her head, acknowledging that she knew she needed to hear about Mrs Brooker, but still wasn’t ready to because she may not like what he had to say and decided to at least admit that.
“The thing is I’m scared about what you might say. I know what I want you to say; that your marriage is and always was one of convenience, that you don’t love her or have sex with her,” Steph said and with the words out in the open she felt overexposed and emotional, a sob catching in her throat.
“Do you want me to lie to you?” Jon asked with a seriousness that suggested he would tell her whatever she wanted him to if that’s what she needed.
“No, no lies.”
He nodded, already looking awkward, a darkness clouding his eyes, a sadness, then he spoke, making her heart swell and break at the same time, “We don’t have sex.”
“Oh,” was the only word Steph could get out because of the things she’d wanted to know she kind of wanted that one least. Mr and Mrs Brooker didn’t have sex, but as they’d agreed to the truth that also meant Jon did love his wife and their marriage was not one of convenience.
“But I can explain,” Jon began but was quickly cut off.
“I don’t want you to. I don’t want to know any more. Whatever the story is between you, between you and your wife is just that,” Steph snapped loudly.
“For fuck’s sake!” Jon bellowed making Steph physically jump. “You knew I was married. It was my marital status that made this, this thought out decision. We can discuss things in more detail, maybe if you understood what was between us . . .”
“Like love and a marriage you each wanted and entered into of your own volition? Those things?” Steph asked with a harsh shrug.
“You don’t want to talk. You don’t want to listen. You don’t want lies. So please, put me out of my fucking misery here because I am flailing. I have no clue what to say to you to make you feel better and the things I think might make you feel better are the things you refuse to hear,” Jon sighed and rubbed his temples with his fingers in an attempt to ease the tension. “If you want to take a break from things, us, personal things, not work . . .”
“No, no. I don’t know what to say or do either. The only thing I do know is that I want to be with you. I will try to be less erratic and moody about things. I will fuck up with that though, but I’ll try if you still want to?”
“Of course I do. Come here,” Jon said, calling to her, summoning her and she immediately went into his arms that were now open and ready to receive her.
A hand reached for her head and began to stroke down her hair, soothing her. As Steph softened into it Jon spoke again, “You should know I am still mad as fuck with you about that stunt in the lift.”
It felt as though that admission had somehow reminded him of her behaviour and his own annoyance because he released her and headed towards the bedroom again.
“If we’re all done with talking I’m going to bed.”
She gave him a few minutes before following him and found him already lying in darkness. She said nothing but went into the bathroom to wash then brush her teeth before returning to the bedroom where she removed her satin robe to reveal her naked body and slid between the sheets next to him. As she lay perfectly still she listened to him breathing and knew he was still awake and wondered what to do; should she just leavethings until the morning or try and clear the air? She swallowed hard as she realised just how upset she felt that he was mad with her again, like he had been after Lindsay’s hen night when he thought she was slutty Steph, whereas now he just thought she was ungrateful, bossy, disrespectful Steph. She realised that Eddie had been right about Jon and yet she hadn’t seen this coming, although she had taken things too far when she had flirted with Ade in the lift. Suddenly she felt embarrassed too as she recalled how uncomfortable she had made Ade.
“I am sorry that you are still mad with me,” she said sincerely as she stretched across the bed and rested a hand on his chest.
He remained silent.
“I wish you would talk to me, Jon. I know I keep asking to talk and then shut it down, but some things, once they’re said can’t be taken back and that scares me. But tonight, I was in the wrong and I deserve whatever you dish out.”
Still he said nothing, as if he really had nothing to say to her now. Maybe this was how Jon did things; shouted, made his points, offered some resolution and then did the silent thing as it all settled in his mind.
