Her scowl suggested that she wasn’t buying that line for a second.
“We wanted different things and she was possessive over me and our friendship. It wasn’t fair on Mike.”
My mother stared at me and I wasn’t quite sure what her expression was for a few seconds and then it clicked; sadness, concern. “I’m worried about you Danni, very worried. You look unwell, you’ve lost weight and colour. Your spark has been snuffed out and I can’t help thinking that is down to Mike.”
I wanted to cry and throw myself across the table until I was nestled in the safety of my mother’s lap and her embrace but I didn’t, instead I became defensive. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t suppose Jess told you how argumentative she became or how offensive and rude she was to Mike until he refused to come to the flat. I would put money on the fact that she didn’t tell you that she told me I had to choose between our friendship and Mike.”
My arms crossed tightly across my chest.
“She told us all of that and more, actually. Danni, your father and I love you and we want you to be happy, but we need you to be safe, and although when we met Mike we did like him, he was charm personified, we no longer believe he makes you happy or keeps you safe.”
Rooted to the spot for long drawn out seconds gave my brain enough time to scramble and resettle before speaking and then, the words I spoke weren’t the ones I planned on saying, not that I really knew what I was planning on saying. “Mike loves me, and you’re wrong about him wanting to keep me safe because you have no idea the lengths he goes to in order to do that. Don’t make me choose, Mum. Do not make the same mistake Jess did or you will not see me.” Up on my feet, I was preparing to leave but not before more words I hadn’t planned left my mouth. “Nor will you see your grandchild.” I stroked a protective hand across the tiny swell of my belly only I knew was there before turning and leaving.
NOW
The counsellor lookedat me over the top of his glasses that had slipped down his nose slightly. “Why weren’t you going to tell your mother you were pregnant?”
I was fearful of speaking the words aloud, and instead chose to talk around the answer to his question. “Have you ever had a dream where you get everything you ever wanted only to wake up and find that none of it was real and that you’re actually living your biggest nightmare?”
A cock of the head and a slightly arched brow were his only responses, leaving me to continue.
“My dream was to be a doctor. I wanted to see the world in all its glory, to have a nice home and eventually a family like the one I grew up in. Mike said he wanted those things too, and I believed him and truly thought I could have it all. I couldn’t.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Experience and life. My reality was that I was pregnant and didn’t know if I was going to keep the baby. If I told Mike I was pregnant, there would be no going back, and if I didn’t tell him and ended the pregnancy and he found out afterwards it would have ended my relationship.”
“And you didn’t want the relationship to end?”
“No. I should have, but I didn’t. I became dependent on Mike and on being with him . . . or perhaps it was more that he made me believe that I couldn’t be without him, not that I realised it at the time. When I was a little girl I was confident, over-confident.” A smile and a roll of my eyes was my reaction to the memory of a younger me. “I was the baby of the family and the only girl. I was protected and in that I was allowed to fully express myself. At school I was popular enough and had friends but got along with everyone, and academically I was bright, likereallybright, straight A bright, and I’m not being cocky.”
“You don’t have to apologise for being academically gifted.”
A frown marred my brow at his words. “Did I apologise?”
“Not in as many words but your tone and demeanour were apologetic.”
“Ah. I always wanted to be a doctor. I had aBarbiedoll, lots of them, but the doctor one was my favourite and that was what I always planned on becoming, until Mike.”
“I thought you said he wanted the same things as you?”
“What I said was that he said he wanted the same things.”
“He didn’t?”
“No. The clues were there but I ignored them. I wanted him to be everything he said he was.”
“What he said he was?”
I was being pushed now. Pushed into really acknowledging what Mike had and hadn’t said as opposed to what I believed he could be. “What he inferred with his words and actions, the illusion I had created in my head rather than the man he was. Looking back I can see that there were enough red flags to use as coronation bunting, but at the time, I missed them all.”
“Missed them?”
Yes, he was pushing me hard. “Ignored them.”
“So, the baby and your future?”
“In the beginning Mike would encourage me to miss lectures, something I never did unless I was genuinely ill, like physically incapable of being there. I resisted and over weeks and months I gave in. He wore me down. We’d stay up late and drink too much so when I did go, I wasn’t firing on all cylinders. I completed uni and as I said, I’m very bright so somehow managed to bag a really good degree. I had my foundation training secured and was looking forward to starting the real journey to becoming a doctor, and then I found out I was pregnant and the shit really hit the fan.”
