CHAPTERONE
NOW
“And how didthat make you feel, Danielle?”
God, I hated that question when anyone asked it in response to something where there was an obvious emotional response. The question felt like a set up somehow. I just hoped it wasn’t going to become his go to. His expression didn’t betray any acknowledgement that his use of Danielle had made me flinch sightly.
“Shit! It made me feel like complete and utter shit if you really want to know.” I could feel the anger bubbling beneath the surface, threatening to boil over. But then, that could be the very point of the question, to push my buttons. This guy was a professional and it had taken me a long time to get to this point, and if I stood any chance of becoming me again, I needed to work with him, not against him, however, he also needed to respect my boundaries.
“Why?”
Okay, perhaps that question was his go to. “Doc, I realise you have a job to do, that I volunteered for this therapy, one that I am paying for, and I know I need to work through all of the shit to come out the other side a better person, but I can’t do this, not today.”
Sitting back in his chair, the counsellor nodded and offered me an empathetic smile. Empathy didn’t rile me in the way that sympathy did. Sympathy pissed me off because I didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for me, but if they tried to understand what I had been through and could somehow try to imagine and accept how I was feeling, then I was all good with that.
Silence surrounded us for a matter of seconds before I found my voice. “Could you call me Danni, please?”
“Of course, Danni.” His expression looked almost proud. “We do this at your pace, although that’s not to say that I won’t push you beyond your comfort zone, I will, but you’re truly in the driving seat here.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t cry often. Very rarely now. The threat of tears caught me off guard. People giving me control over anything was my Achilles heel now and I was still growing accustomed to it.
“We’re not even ten minutes into our first session, so why don’t you tell me how you come to be here?”
I risked a frown in this man’s direction and felt somehow relieved when a warm but genuine laugh left his lips.
“I know the official reason but tell me in your words.”
I nodded but before I spoke, he did.
“Oh, and you don’t need to work through anything to become a better person, there’s nothing wrong with the person you are, always were, however, hopefully by the end of this you’ll feel more like a whole person again.”
“Whole?”
“Yes, whole, that over the course of weeks or months, you will rediscover who you are, who Danni is and then you can set out your stall for the world to see and know that you are complete, flawed, as we all are, but complete. That despite what has happened, you have survived. Become stronger. More resilient and that moving forward you are a fighter, a survivor, and you can be whoever and whatever you want to be.”
Well, fuck me, that is not what I was expecting him to say. I don’t know what I was expecting, but not that.
“Okay. In my own words?”
“They’re the only ones that know how you truly came to be here.”
THEN
Standingbehind the bar for a busy Saturday night shift was nothing new. I had been working here for almost four years and I could see light at the end of the tunnel now. My next year at uni would be the final one and then working for minimum wage and dealing with drunken idiots intent on causing trouble on a Saturday night would be behind me, although perhaps not if I ended up working in A&E.
I’d moved away at eighteen after acing my A-levels and with a choice of uni offers, I had opted to make the break from my family, not because we didn’t get along, it was more to do with the fact that I wanted to be independent and to stand on my own two feet. At home, I was the princess, and the baby of the family to boot, so this was my chance to not only fulfil my dreams of becoming a doctor, but to also become my own person. I couldn’t quite believe that in just a year and a half I would be preparing to start my foundation training and actually be working with senior professionals and helping real life patients. The smile I could feel breaking out across my face confirmed that this was what I wanted, all I ever wanted, and I was making it all come true.
“Hey.”
I looked up and found an attractive looking man smiling at me.
“Hey,” he repeated.
“Hey, sorry, I was miles away. What can I get you?”
He arched a brow and laughed, deliberately misunderstanding my obvious offer to take his drink order.
“To drink,” I clarified but couldn’t help laughing with him.
