The idea of not using condoms has never been a decision I made. I did it from, from what? Habit, not my own though. I think I may actually be sick; my temperature is spiking judging by how hot and sweaty I suddenly feel, and my stomach is cramping so I am doubled over.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Mason pulls over into a small supermarket’s car park.
“Sorry.” All of my angst and irritation is forgotten.
“Ssh, slow down darl—” he says and immediately stops himself from finishing his loving term and I know he knows that it is one of my triggers, but how? “Olivia, sweetheart, please, breathe slowly, calm down before you hyperventilate.”
I find myself bundled against his body and I allow him to soothe me until I am calmer.
“Sorry,” I say for the umpteenth time this morning and it’s not even half past six yet. “I can’t tell you all the stuff in my head but talking about the injection made me rethink a few things and caused me to panic a little.”
“I know this is fast, you and me, and I know you’re not ready to open up about whatever it is you’re hiding but at some point, you’ll have to.”
His words feel as though he is giving me notice of his intention to know and that scares me more than my memories because when he finds out about me, what I did, he will hate me and run as fast as he can in the opposite direction.
“Why did you stop calling me darling?” I ignore his other comments.
He sighs, a long, loud sigh and I suspect that means he knows something about me. “When you were out of it, on those painkillers, you talked. Rambled really and when I called you darling you became upset and said something about somebody else calling you darling before he hurt you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I asked if I’d embarrassed myself and you assured me that I hadn’t.” I pull away and sit back in the passenger seat.
“You didn’t, really. You were honest with me, about how my words made you feel and why. I knew if I told you about it you would have been embarrassed and I didn’t want that.”
“Thank you.” My gratitude is sincere. I half expect him to push for more, but thankfully he doesn’t, so I speak again, shocking us both I think. “I will tell you, in time, maybe just piece by piece, but I will. Thank you,” I repeat gratefully as he leans in to brush my lips with his before refastening my seatbelt.
Work is hard to focus on as I keep thinking about what I must tell Mason at some point and how that is likely to change things between us. I struggle with other people’s extreme emotions; anger, sympathy, but worst of all, pity. Maybe it is second worst. Hatred is the absolute worst. I know this because there are people, a person who once loved me and then he pitied me before finally hating me. What I wouldn’t give for him to look at me with something other than hatred. What I wouldn’t give for him to just look at me, but that ship sailed some years ago. I try to focus on work, pushing these negative thoughts out of my mind.
“Liv, if I give you some time will you price up the things I emailed you the details of?” Sean asks me, shaking me from my daze.
“Yeah, course. I’ll check regular suppliers first and then look at newbies.” My smile is slightly forced as my brain is still addled with old feelings and memories.
“Whatever you think, but the focus here seems to be quality so get a good range on prices too.”
“Okay,” I agree, opening my laptop that is on the desk I have been allocated in an empty office down the corridor from Mason’s.
“I’ve got a few things to sort, then I need to check some details with Arianna and after that I’ll be back.” Sean gestures to another desk identical to mine.
“Okay,” I say again with a small yawn.
Sean frowns at me questioningly. “Busy weekend, Liv?” he asks with a smile that I reciprocate until Mason appears in the doorway, filling it.
“Mr Harding.” At the very last second, I remember that he is not Mason out here.
“Hey, ba…, Olivia, Miss Carrington.”
I know I have a stupid smile and a wide-eyed stare on my face at the baby I am sure he half said in error. God, I love it when he calls me baby.
“I was wondering if I could discuss a few ideas with you this afternoon?” he asks me, quickly recovering his momentum.
I look across at Sean for his agreement, approval, as he is my boss here, despite Mason thinking that he is Sean’s boss’ boss meaning that tops all other things. The feel of my boyfriend’s stare, glare is heavy but unlike him I do value and respect Sean and his position.
“Yeah, should be fine, but if you could get those costings sorted first.” Sean looks between me and Mason making me nervous that he can sense the tension between us.
“Thank you.” Mason turns to leave.
“He has some serious hots for you.” Sean laughs making me uncomfortable. “Come on Liv, you can see it, you have to be able to.” He laughs again but somehow his laugh is becoming more mocking as he continues, “I wondered last week with the way he jumped in to take care of you, but there’s no doubting it now. Don’t get me wrong you are a looker and you could do worse. He’s loaded and I suppose he’s easy on the eye, but he’s a player, it’s written all over him.”
The confidence with which Sean speaks makes me feel more uncomfortable than I’d felt earlier but I am unsure what to say beyond all the fuck offs swimming around in my mind so when I open my mouth the words are as much of a surprise to me as to him. “I’ll be sure to consider that then. Nice to know you have such a high opinion of him and me if you think his bank balance and looks are his only attractive qualities I might be drawn to.”
