Declan
I love her. The words are out and there’s no taking them back, even if I want to.
Watching her, I see a small grin already spreading across her face. All thoughts of anyone who isn’t me and her are gone for now. In this moment, this magical moment, it is just the two of us and I won’t let anything or anyone spoil it.
“Please say something,” I mutter, but this time my words are a plea laced with fear rather than anger.
“You love me.”
I stare at her and with a half-smile, shake my head. “I was hoping for something different to that, but yes, I love you.”
“You love me,” she repeats, her grin broadening.
“We have established that several times already.”
Suddenly, her smile drops.
“What?” Panic is in my voice now as I wonder if she has realised that my feelings are in no way reciprocated.
“Does loving me make you sad or angry?”
I think back to my strange mood of just minutes before and know that is what is behind this question.
“Of course not.” I step closer and reach for her wrist, pulling her towards me. “I mean, it wasn’t something I planned, and it confuses me in many ways.”
She nods. “Confuses you?”
I nod back at her.
“It scares me, Dec, my feelings…” her voice trails off.
Maybe I should say something, give a little here to reassure her in some way that I share her fears and probably those of everyone who has ever fallen in love.
She continues before I can say anything. “We don’t know each other, not really, and what if we hurt each other, or ourselves?”
“Oh, Cupcake, you’re not saying anything I haven’t already thought. We can get to know each other…talk.”
We both laugh knowing that our conversations have so often turned into banter and sexual innuendo that has inevitably turned into sex. Hot sex, but still sex. And this is why I have avoided serious relationships with feelings and all the associated shit that comes with it.
“I am shit scared of hurting you. I am more scared of being hurt, to be honest, so, as much as it would hurt for you to opt out now—” I stop, unsure what I am saying or how this will turn out.
“Go on, please.”
I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly before continuing. “If you don’t feel the same or don’t want to run the risk of getting hurt, I respect it. In fact, I would much rather you pull the plaster off now than for it to be done six months down the road.”
She looks stunned. I am stunned. I had no idea any of that was going to get spewed by me, but now that it has, well, it really can’t be taken back.
“I don’t doubt that the sensible thing to do would be to call it quits, or even revert back to no strings sex.”
She knows as well as I do, we can’t do that. I say nothing but shake my head. Now that I have these fucking feelings involved it must be all or nothing for me. I don’t do anything else.
“Okay, so we either call it quits or jump in with both feet?”
“Yeah.”
Her grin is back, and I feel as though the breath I have just exhaled has been held in for far too long.
With my hand still holding her wrist, her free hand reaches up and she tilts my head to look down at the ground between us. I’m confused as to what there is to see until she does the tiniest of two footed jumps.
