They all sat together for a time and although Juan was quite open about his feelings for Philip, he also admitted that he couldn't imagine a life without his family in it and they had implied that this may not be possible if his relationship with Philip continued. They had also suggested that a marriage to this girl, who was technically a cousin could produce children and give an air of respectability to Juan's youthful mistake which is how they'd described his relationship with Philip.
“A youthful mistake?” Tasha shook her head, but refrained from unleashing the tirade of expletives queueing in her mind as she took in Philip’s hurt expression that broke her heart a little. “Is that how they see you and Philip or you being gay?”
“Both, I guess. There was a vague suggestion that I could always continue any extramarital relationship so long as I was discreet and that Lucia would be cool with that.”
“Bloody hell,” cried Tasha. “That is all kinds of fucked up.” Clearly, the expletives weren’t going to remain unleashed.
“Tasha,” chastened Jim, “Please.”
“Well, it is,” she said in her own defence. “Juan, I love you, you know that and if what you want or need is marriage, children and a gay relationship hidden then you’ve made your decision whether you realise it or not, but will that be enough? You and Philip have always been so open and what do you expect from him in this? To accept and be cool with stolen moments and nights when your wife is out of town. To be second best to your family, to be compliant and faithful when he knows you're not? To be left alone during holidays and family celebrations? I think if you want that then you're asking too much,” Tasha said honestly before Jim intervened.
“Juan, Tasha is right. This is too much to ask. Philip deserves a family, a home, and to be your first priority, but so long as you do the right thing by him I'm good with that. I'll respect your decision. What do you want, Philip?” Jim reached across to gently rub his son’s shoulder, hoping to offer support and love in the simple touch.
Philip turned to his dad and smiled. Clearly his touch had achieved its goal. “Juan,” he replied tearfully. “I want Juan, but he has to want me too. I can’t want enough for us both or it will all fall apart.”
“Then you two have some decisions to make,” said Jim sadly. “We'll give you some space,” he added as Connor began to cry upstairs.
The short trip upstairs to their recently awoken son was silent and the silence continued until Tasha was sitting in the nursing chair in his nursery feeding him.
“Since when have you kept a gun in the house?” Tasha rocked Connor gently.
“It's my constitutional right, honey,” Jim replied, immediately irritating Tasha.
“Is that what I asked? Is it? How long?” she repeated.
“You don't have to be so mad about it, baby. I kept a gun for a long time and learnt how to shoot, but hadn't had one for a couple of years, until your dad ran you off the road and Mickie's involvement became clear in that.”
“And you didn't think to mention it?” Tasha was becoming more agitated.
“No, honey, because I didn't want to worry you and you Brits get uptight about guns. We can discuss where I keep it if you want to.”
Tasha let out a long sigh before Jim leapt up, making her jump as he headed out of the room. “Wait there.”
Returning almost immediately, Jim held an A5 sized envelope in his hand and sat on the footstool at the bottom of the nursing chair Tasha still occupied with their son who was greedily consuming his breakfast.
“I was going to show this to you when I got home the other day, but you were out riding and then it all got a little bent out of shape when we ended up with a houseful.” Jim reached into the envelope to withdraw a booklet, or book of some sort. He turned it to show Tasha the cover.
She frowned as she realised he was holding an American passport. “Your passport?” she said as a half question.
“You think?” With a triumphant smile he opened the document to reveal a photo of Connor. “Connor's passport came back meaning he can travel outside of the U.S. with us, so if you still want to take a trip back to Blighty, then we'll all be going, together.”
“Really?” Tasha was suddenly tearful, thoughts of Dan filling her mind once more. “Thank you,” she stammered sounding as emotional as she looked.
“No problem. I need my wife to be happy and you did freak me out with declarations of trips to London without me and for unknown periods, but it made me remember that I need to be more thoughtful of your home and family. As thoughtful as you are of mine, baby, so why don't you tell me what made you look so worried after your ride.”
“You read me so well, every time,” she mused with a half-smile as she sat her son up on her lap and began to pat his back gently. “I was going to speak to you when we were alone, but we haven't really had any alone time, have we? Not with a house full of children.” She smiled.
“I really do love you, Natasha, for that comment alone,” he said making her frown while trying to figure out which comment he was referring to. “Oh, honey, the fact that you have no idea what I'm talking about makes me love you a little more. You said that we had a house full of children, not that we had a house full of my children, just children,” he explained. “And one of those children is your own age, yet you still class him as a child we have in common, even when you’re getting him down from tables he’s dancing almost naked on.”
“Ah. All of the children are yours biologically, but if ever we weren't together I would hate for another woman to distinguish between our children and hers with you,” replied Tasha thoughtfully. “And Lizzie is like Pippa who I always think of as a child and Philip is probably the least mature of them all in some ways, so they're all children.”
“I don't know if I could find you any more attractive than I do right now,” said Jim seriously, making Tasha's skin flush with desire and embarrassment.
“You know that Connor is not likely to have a nap until after you're at work, don't you?” she asked, wondering if she could convince her son to go to sleep so soon after waking.
A shake of the head was Jim’s initial response. “No work for me today, baby. I thought we might plan our trip to London, but as soon as our son's eyes close you and I will be getting some serious alone time.”
A breathy and needy gasp left Tasha's mouth and she was unsure just who was most shocked by it, her or Jim. His words weren’t exactly evocative or explicit but she was already beginning to imagine the implications of them.
