Getting to her feet slowly, Tasha wondered how this was ever going to beokay. She went through the options in her mind again as she milled around the room, making the bed and straightening things up. She could put the baby up for adoption. Not a hope in hell of her going through the whole pregnancy and being able to give the baby away, her baby and that was without taking theJim factorinto account. She could terminate her pregnancy, that was possible from all perspectives, medical and emotional, but it would be at the cost of her marriage. She knew Jim would never forgive her if she killed their baby, his baby, like number two had. Remembering her own termination aged sixteen, the horror of it and the difference in how each of her unborn babies had been conceived, she decided not. She was not Mickie, she didn’t hate kids and couldn’t just get rid of them without a second thought. Or, she thought as she stared at her reflection she could have the baby and judging by the fact that she had subconsciously shoved Jim's rolled up hoody up her front to emulate a larger baby bump she may have made her decision already. Not that there was ever really a decision to be made.
A plate with some crackers and plain biscuits on it sat opposite Jim on the table next to a bottle of water, an empty glass and a freshly brewed cup of tea.
“Did you make the tea?” asked Tasha. She would be less capable of drinking a cup of tea made by Jim while her stomach was flipping than she normally would.
“Fortunately for you, no. Sandra did, and she has made herself scarce as I am in a weird mood and you dismissed her yesterday.”
“She's pissed off with us then?” Tasha felt guilty for making the other woman uncomfortable the previous day.
“Yeah, but she'll be cool when she understands.” He reached across to take her hand in his.
“Bacon makes me want to throw up it seems, and coffee, oh and eggs.” Tasha leapt up and ran for the downstairs bathroom.
Looking down at his unfinished breakfast, Jim shook his head and muttered to himself. “It's gonna be a long eight months, Jimbo.”
When Tasha returned she found him with a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice while her crackers and biscuits remained untouched.
“And tea,” she added, tipping the contents of her cup away and swallowing hard. “I really don't know if I can do this, Jim,” she admitted honestly.
“We'll do it together.” Jim’s smile was tentative, scared of saying the wrong thing. He was suddenly reminded of an injured animal as he watched his wife's expression. He was scared too, scared half to death that a move that was too quick or a wrong word would startle her, spook her into doing something that would cause her greater harm.
“Except we won’t, will we? I will do this while you continue with your life like a normal person,” she said sadly.
“Natasha, what are you thinking? What do you want to do?” He sounded more scared than she did.
“I’m thinking that the contraceptive implant was my worst idea to date. That I should have gone with the pill or the jab in the arse and avoided being here, in this position, and what I want is to go back at least six weeks and check my contraception, but they are no longer options, so...”
“So? So what? I still want you to be happy, Tasha. That's still my main mission in life,” he told her sincerely making her smile.
“As far as I see it, we, I have two options. Have a baby or terminate it.” She flinched at his expression at the word terminate. “We had kind of agreed to have a baby, some babies in the future and I’m seriously freaking out, I can't deny that. I am scared, scared like I have never been scared before and we both know I have a huge amount of experience with fear, but this is different. I’m scared of failure, of being the biggest fuck up there has ever been in the history of fuck up parents. I have no such fears for you. You are a brilliant father with a proven track record and you come from good parenting stock, but me—”
He cut her off. He needed this not to turn into a self-loathing tirade from her based on the fact that her own parents had been less than useless and that somehow that was her fault and in turn it would make her the same kind of parent they had been. She wouldn’t. She would be amazing, of that he had no doubt. “Tasha, baby—”
She cut him off now, needing to finish speaking. “No, please, let me get this out. I need you to understand. Look at where we've both come from and how far we've come in such a short time. So much has happened; I fell in love with you and ended up here as a wife, a stepmother, an out of work actress who keeps managing to force producers to recast every part I get, with all of my family on the other side of the Atlantic, even the fucked up ones. Except for my father who is awaiting sentencing for my attempted murder. Someone has held me hostage and tried to murder me, twice, after deciding against having me gang raped. It's a lot to take in. We are both still carrying the baggage from all of that, but our wedding was like the first day of the rest of my life and now, a month later, I’m pregnant and it's a shock. A huge, knocked me on my arse, fucking shock. You told me I can't wish it away and I do know that. I don't know if that's what I want to do, not really, but maybe I just want to postpone it, but I can't do that either, so I am left with have it or terminate it.”
“And?” asked a nervous looking Jim.
“I don't know what having a baby will mean, not really, I can imagine, but I don't know. I do know what a termination means and although I would never have saddled myself with Liam's baby. I could never have had his baby. But the termination?” She puffed out a huge sigh as she attempted to contain her emotions. “Well, it was horrendous, before, during and afterwards. I still feel guilty about what happened. This, however, is completely different. Our baby couldn’t be more different.” She sipped her water that she held in one hand whilst placing the other on her belly. “It was conceived in love. There is nothing dirty or wrong about our baby and that scares me even more, but I know I can't get rid of it. It's ours, yours and mine together. It will be perfect. It couldn’t be anything else.” There was a distinct quiver to her voice that quickly turned into a break as Jim looked across at her with a heartfelt expression on his face.
“You mean?” He needed greater clarification.
“I mean, you have knocked me up and we are going to have a baby, but it's going to cost you.”
“Cost?” asked Jim tersely making her smile.
“Oh yeah, but maybe not in cash or via your little, black, plastic card. Anything I want or need, you are going to have to provide for me; weird food cravings, back rubs, foot massages, clothes with an elasticated waist and sex whenever I say, however I want it,” she told him and was surprised to find that she was already becoming aroused at the idea of sex.
“Now that I can commit to, so long as you remember that this will be a time sensitive agreement, for say eight months,” he said with an expression of uncertainty at the idea of Tasha calling the shots.
“Mitch reckons I am around six weeks so about seven and a half months.”
“Am I allowed to be excited now? Can I come over there and hold you, kiss you and be very, very happy that we're having a baby?” A huge grin spread across his face and he did nothing to hide it.
“On one condition, well, actually two conditions.”
“Go on,” encouraged Jim.
“One, we keep this to ourselves for a while and two you don't freak out at me when I freak out at this whole thing which I imagine I am going to do often because this is out of my control, oh and there's a third condition,” she suddenly blurted out.
