She looked at him slightly startled before he continued.
“Baby, talk to me. Tonight was amazing, better than that and you were terrific and the boots? Wow, but I don’t want to ever scare you or spoil what we have, so please tell me what happened tonight, what I did or said.” His voice was gentle, but firm enough that she knew he would never let this drop. He knew there was something and after that episode in the bathroom she was surprised he hadn’t pushed for this sooner, but with the addition of the incident in his office, he would be relentless.
“Okay.” She nodded. “But I’m going to need a beer.”
She put her food down, grabbed two beers off the tray and passed one to Jim.
Tasha took a deep breath, a slug of beer and began, “You do not scare me, not really. If you’re mad with me, for real, then I might feel a little apprehensive, but I’m not scared, not like you mean. Not like my dad or Liam made me feel. Tell me that you know that.”
“I do, Tasha, I really do, so explain what it is that I do or say that causes fear to put in an appearance.”
“That fear is not because of what you say or do, but is more about memories. A memory I have that is now a fear I have. My dad had sent me to see Liam, one of the last times I went to see him. He was in a particularly weird and unpleasant mood. I think he’d lost money on some deal so was pissed off before I even got there. His usual routine was that I would get to his, he would insult me then apologise, but tell me how I brought these things on myself because I always pushed the right buttons and made him angry. Next he would tell me what we had was special and then he would, well, I don’t need to spell it out and afterwards he’d send me home, unless I’d displeased him in some way and then he would knock me around a bit and then send me home.”
Tasha paused as she took a drink from her beer bottle while Jim shook his head and muttered, “Oh fuck, Tasha.”
Tasha smiled at him, reassuringly she hoped, and continued, “But this night he was different, I don’t know if he’d taken something or whether he was just really mad, but he did the insults, bypassed the apologies and then told me that I deserved everything I got. He ripped my clothes off, but just hit me and with each blow told me that it was all my fault and that if I didn’t do exactly as he said he would kill me,” revealed Tasha to a horrified Jim. She found that she was actually close to tears with her next revelation. “I honestly didn’t care, part of me hoped he would kill me and then I’d be free of it all. I think he knew that because he then said that if I made him kill me he’d have no choice but transfer ourarrangementto Pippa. He knew I’d do whatever he wanted.”
“Jeez, baby. I could cheerfully kill that fucking slime ball and your no good father.” Jim turned to sit crossed legged, facing her, hoping he was masking the rage simmering beneath the surface. “You really don’t have to carry on.”
Tasha shrugged. “I’ve got this far. Where was I? Yes, naked and beaten. I’d been there a couple of hours I think and he just made me stand still and if I moved he would hit me again, but the longer I stood and the more he hit me the less still I could stand. After a bit longer, maybe another hour there was a knock at the door and Liam told me to stay where I was and returned from the door with some friends who’d come to play poker, which they did.”
“Baby, that bastard really, really needs to get his,” said Jim angrily, struggling to contain his desire to punch someone or something and suddenly wondered why he’d pushed for this conversation.
Tasha watched Jim carefully and could see the conflicting emotions he was feeling.
“Jim, please, don’t look at me like that and don’t let Liam win by getting under your skin, please. He really isn’t worth it.” She smiled weakly, then suddenly asked, “Have I shared too much about this?”
“No,” he insisted. “If you’d tried to give me an edited version we both know I would have pushed for the full account, so no baby, you could never share too much with me. I keep telling you that I want to know everything.” He took her hand in his, hoping it would provide comfort, but was unsure who needed the comfort most, her or him.
“His friends played poker with him and didn’t seem that interested in me unless Liam was hitting me for moving or some other error. I’d been there for about four hours or so and I was cold and tired, but Liam was still in his tormenting mood and started circling me and squeezing me, my face and neck, then my arms and legs before moving onto my body and when he got as far as my abdomen I winced—erm—because—” She took an unfeasibly deep breath before almost whispering, “—because I was desperate for the toilet and as soon as he saw me wince he knew and smiled.”
Jim pulled her closer, but resisted the temptation to engulf her in his arms because he knew she’d lose all control of her emotions in his embrace.
Tasha felt a single tear roll down her face, shame and embarrassment washing over her as she admitted, “I stood there for at least another hour before I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I pee’d myself, in front of them all. They laughed at me, except Liam who said,I told you she was a dirty bitch, didn’t I?Then with my ripped clothes back on he sent me home and when I got there it was about half two in the morning and my dad had locked me out, so I slept in the shed until the following morning when he opened up and then he beat the shit out of me for staying out all night. That is why the idea of peeing myself accidentally or by design, scares me Jim. I just remember the feeling of total humiliation that I felt when Liam and his friends watched me and laughed at me, at what they saw as the power Liam had over me, but he never ever had power over me because everything I did was for my survival and to keep Pippa safe.” She took another huge breath that sounded more like a gasp than anything else.
Jim pulled her against his chest and held her tightly without saying a word for a few minutes, no longer caring if she fell apart in his arms. If she needed to be held while she cried then there was nobody else who was going to provide a safe haven for her.
As she stilled and calmed against his chest that was wet with her tears, he spoke again, quietly and calmly, “Tasha, I would never have done that thing with my winning of our bowling wager if I’d known and I sure as hell wouldn’t have dreamt up my plan for this evening, said what I said if I’d had any idea of what you’d been through.”
“Please don’t change towards me because of my past and things you’re finding out,” she pleaded. “I love you and what we have. Our wager was seriously hot and this evening was amazing, James, really it was. No matter what you have in mind you always give me an opt out, but if we hope to stay married to each other we can’t change how we are together, it’s how we are.”
“I know you’re right, but I would hate to ever do anything to scare you and what if you had pee’d in the bathroom or in my office?” he asked, his voice full of worry.
“James, how many times? You do not scare me. And I didn’t pee.” She was scared now, but it was fear that Jim was already changing towards her.
“Sorry. I was fairly certain you wouldn’t pee when I made you come in the bathroom, and tonight you didn’t mention anything, it was just your expression,” he mused. “I don’t want to change towards you either and I would hate for you to ever treat me differently than you do now. We have things really good together, don’t we?”
“Yes,” agreed Tasha. “Better than I ever imagined possible, so we can’t lose that.”
“Agreed,” said Jim. “Let’s have a safe word,” suggested Jim.
“A safe word?” Tasha pulled back from Jim’s embrace.
“Yes, baby, a safe word, and if ever you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in any way with me, you say the word.”
“What word?” she asked.
Jim laughed. “Now that is the fun bit, thinking of a suitable one. So you think of some ideas and I will too.”
