“By me?”
She started to shake her head again, then paused and shrugged. “You, my family… Pualena, the ocean, all of it. My life on the island. I wanted out. And I knew that if I let you in, I would so easily fall into that fantasy of a happy family.”
“It didn’t have to be a fantasy,” he said, so quietly that she barely heard him.
“We were young, Noah. We weresoyoung. I had ambitions. I wanted to build a life of my own, away from Pualena. I didn’t see how I could possibly do that with a baby.”
“Or with me,” he said quietly.
“Or with you. That’s what I meant, when I said that you were too good. I knew that if I really let you in, I wouldn’t want to leave.”
“Would that have been so bad?”
“I thought so. At the time. I was still just a kid, Noah. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I wasn’t ready for a real relationship. I wasn’t ready to be a grown-up.” She sighed and leaned back in her seat. “I can’t regret my choices. If I hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have Claire or Peter… But I regret staying away so long.
“You’re here now.”
“I’m here too late. She’s grown.” Anne pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, willing herself not to cry in the middle of a busy restaurant.
When she brought her hands back down to the table, Noah’s hand enveloped them both. It was warm and dry and rough from work.
She moved one of her hands on top of his, letting his steadiness calm her.
“Iwantedto be a mother to Zoe, but I was scared. I knew that I could never measure up to Dawn and Kimo. And so when she pushed me away… I let her. I stayed away. And I shouldn’t have.I was an adult by then, and she was just little. I should have kept trying. I should have been there for her. She has every right to hate me.”
He squeezed her hand. “She doesn’t hate you, Annie. And it’s not too late.”
“Yeah, well–” The server came to set their plates on the table, and Anne pulled her hands back. “I guess time will tell.”
18
Halia
The neighborhood was quiet as Halia coasted along the coastal road.
Through her open window, she could hear the faint crash of waves against the cliffs and the distant sound of roosters claiming the day.
She was relieved to find that the house was quiet too. Either Anne’s guests were sleeping in, or they were already up and gone. Dawn was alone in the kitchen, staring out the windows with a distant look in her eyes.
Halia was glad to see it; living with her memories was better than fully dissociating the way she’d done those first few months. Even if her adoptive mother wasn’t fully back in the land of the living, she seemed to be making steady progress in that direction.
Dawn started slightly when Halia put a hand between her shoulderblades.
“Halia.” She smiled in a vague sort of way. “Hi.”
“Good morning.”
“Are you here for Anne?”
“I’m here for you. Walk to the market with me?”
“Is it Sunday already?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“I’m not dressed.” Dawn gestured at the shapeless flowered mumu that she was wearing.
“Half the people there are from Puna. No one’s going to notice that you’re wearing a house dress.”
