‘Well, convince her it’s not.’
‘I just—’ Bella’s body slumped. ‘I can’t. I’m so tired, Kitty. I don’t even know where to start. You should have seen the rooms. They were—’ She felt a new wash of tears as she heard the truth in her own words. It was pointless. What could be done in just five days? ‘I can’t— it’s all such a mess.’
‘Iknowyou, Bella. If you walk away from this, you’ll regret it.’
Kitty was gazing at her intently, as if she could see right through anything Bella was putting in their way. ‘Bella,’ she said. ‘Look at me.’
Bella raised her eyes.
‘You need this. You’re not incapable. You’re just afraid.’
She nodded miserably. ‘Maybe I do need this,’ she said. ‘But you’re right. Iamafraid. It’s human to be scared. Human to avoid things because of it.’
Kitty was looking at her, face impassive.
‘We can’t all be like you, Kitty. We can’t all be perfect, with a perfect life.’
Kitty’s eyes widened. ‘Is that what you think of me?’ she said, her voice growing louder. ‘You think I live this perfect, stress-free,fear-free life?’ She stood up, faced Bella. ‘I’m terrified, OK? I’ve been terrified ever since Mum died – because I knew you needed me to be a grown-up, and I felt like a kid. And even more terrified since Ty was born. And maybe I should have shared that with you, but you— I just didn’t want to worry you.’
‘Terrified?’
‘Yes. Terrified. Terrified something’s going to happen to you or to him, or that I won’t be enough for you. Terrified that I’m losing myself. Terrified of going back to work, but terrified of what will happen to me if I don’t. Me. Kitty. Not Ty’s mum. Not your sister. Me.’ Hot, fat tears began to roll down her cheeks. ‘Oh, I know you think I have it all together. And maybe that’s an image I wanted you to see. I thought you needed someone to depend on after Mum… after Dad… But there. It’s not the truth. I’m scared too. All the time.’
43
NOW
‘Here you go.’ Bella put the mug of tea down in front of Kitty who held it in cupped hands as if needing its warmth as well as its restorative powers.
Bella sat down next to her sister, put an arm around her. At first Kitty remained upright, but then something inside her seemed to break, and she slumped into Bella’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘What an outburst. Your housemates must think I’m a nightmare.’
Odette and Brad had quietly slipped out of the room when they’d come to the kitchen, Kitty still red-faced from crying. Bella was grateful for that. Clearly, they needed time on their own.
‘Don’t worry about them,’ she said. ‘They have their own stuff going on. And it doesn’t matter. What does matter is why didn’t you tell me?’
‘You were so young when Mum died. I just sort of… picked up the reins, or as much of them as I could.’
‘Yes, but Kitty, I’m thirty-four now. I can cope. I’m an adult.’
Kitty looked at her. ‘I know.’ She sipped her tea. ‘I just— I can’t seem to see you any other way than that sixteen-year-old girl who’d lost her mum too soon. Whose dad just wasn’t prepared to stick around, but ran away instead.’
Bella gripped her hand. ‘I guess I’m guilty too. Of not realising how much you were doing. Of taking you for granted. Your… steadiness. I just— I always believed that you had it all figured out and that I was the one in a mess. Your wedding, your job, Ty. You seemed to have more purpose and direction in life, and I was the one bumbling along.’
Kitty smiled. ‘How do you think it feels to live in the same town where you grew up, to marry a guy who went to your school, get a predictable job in the city and tell everyone your sister lives in a beautiful farmhouse in France and is having an adventure? I always felt people must labelmethe boring one.’
‘Well, if they did, they know nothing of what it’s actually like to run a B&B. Because it’s hardly a glamorous dream life.’
‘But you love France!’
Bella looked at her. ‘I do. But just— When I was on that trip from school it was probably the best week of my life. At least, it felt like that at the time. Then I came home and Mum—’ She paused, couldn’t find the words. ‘The crash. You know. And things were never the same. I sometimes wonder if I fell in love with France or just wanted to… go back in time, you know? To how things were when I was here.’
‘But it doesn’t mean that what you’ve done, what you’ve created, isn’t special.’
Bella nodded. ‘Sometimes I wish that I’d known, back then, what would happen to Mum. Because the day before she— before the crash, I was being so bloody petulant. I was fed up being back in boring England after France and moaning about everything.’
‘Bella, you were sixteen.’
‘But I?—’
