Giving my hand a gentle squeeze, she sighs. “I’m hoping for your sake and your daughters’ sake that this coming year is going to be better. You aren’t going to the trial, are you?”
That answer doesn’t take any thought at all. I shake my head quickly because that’s the last place on earth I want to go.
“No. Connor refuses to speak to me since I filed for divorce, so I don’t see any reason why I’d go. If I thought it would bring him some peace, I’d be right there for him because even though I know he did it, I still think he deserves a friendly face nearby. He’s so full of hate for me right now, though, that it would probably only upset him.”
She nods in that way that shows she cares and gives my hand another soft squeeze. “My mother always said you have to let people feel what they need to feel. He’s angry now, but I hope in the future he’ll see you did what you had to so those beautiful daughters of yours could be happy.”
“All he ever says is I left him when he needed me most. I don’t know how this makes me look, but I’ve never regretted leaving. I had to protect my girls.”
“And yourself. You always put yourself last, Jamie. I say for this coming year your goal should be putting yourself first for once.”
When she says things like that, and she has a few times recently, I always instantly feel guilty. I’ve tried to put Cassandraand Danielle first from the day they were born. I don’t know how to change that.
“I’m not sure I know how,” I say, not ashamed that I love my girls but feeling foolish that as a woman in the twenty-first century I don’t know how to put myself first.
Kelsey nods. “I get it. I had a hard time doing that too. For years, I felt like I was being selfish putting myself first, but ask yourself this. How good will you be for your children if you aren’t your best?”
I think about that for a few seconds and answer, “Not much, I guess.”
“You can’t do for others who need you when your cup is empty, Jamie. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. Even more, your daughters will learn an important lesson if you do. They’ll see they need to put themselves first too. You’ll be teaching them how to treat themselves better. I wish someone had taught us that.”
She’s always so smart when we talk about things like this. I’ve gotten so used to her that I rarely even notice her scars anymore, but I have a feeling what caused them has made her see she had to look out for herself.
I remember her mentioning her husband a while back, but she rarely talks about him. Once she mentioned she met him after the terrible thing that happened to her all those years ago. He must be an incredible person to look past her scars to see the great person beneath them.
“So let’s switch gears. Have you considered dating any time soon? I know your divorce isn’t final yet, but it’s something to think about. You’re still young.”
A nervous chuckle explodes out of me when I think about getting back into the dating world again. “Oh, God. I haven’t really given it any thought. There’s a guy at the store I work at who’s always nice. I thought maybe he might ask me outsometime, but so far, it’s just been friendly comments on break when we see one another.”
I stop and then add, “Anyway, I think I should probably wait until the divorce is final. It won’t be much longer now. Connor is too worried about his upcoming trial to drag his feet anymore. We don’t have to haggle over custody or visitation, so at least there’s that. But I’m not sure I’m ready to get back into dating just yet. I’ve got a lot of baggage. I’m not sure any man would want to deal with that.”
Kelsey’s mouth turns down into a deep frown. “What Connor did isn’t your fault. You share no blame for that. Any man who thinks you do isn’t the right one for you.”
Quickly, I work to make sure she knows I wasn’t meaning that. “Oh, no. I was talking about having two daughters. Many men don’t want a ready-made family right out of the gate. It’s okay. I don’t mind being alone for now. It’s a new start for me, and I’m enjoying the freedom of it being just me and my girls.”
“Well, I can get behind that too. Men can wait. Right now, it’s all about the Year of Jamie. I like that!”
The Year of Jamie. I think I love the sound of that, especially after the year I’ve just had.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Kelsey
Three MonthsLater
My husband squeezesmy hand tightly as we drive down the highway on a beautiful summer day. I look over at him and smile, knowing he wants this to happen as much as I do.
It’s been a long time waiting for this day. Years of tears and heartache during which I was sure this would never happen.
But it had to. Nothing stays buried forever. Even Connor should have realized that.
I doubt he thought much about what he did over all these years. He was living the life he thought he deserved, happy to move away from that small town right outside of Pittsburgh where his actions that terrible October night set our future in stone.
When I first saw his face after all this time, I thought I might be sick. He looked so content. He had a nice job, a great house, a beautiful wife, and two lovely daughters. He lived in a gatedcommunity, so he never had to deal with the people he believed are beneath him.
Time has been kind to him too, strangely enough. I had hoped it would have ravaged the outside of him like I had wished guilt would do to his insides, but one glance at that smooth, tanned face showed me time had given him a gift it didn’t give me.
One he doesn’t deserve.
